Post # 1
Last night, FI was off coaching an athletic practice, and I was the house by myself. I went to log into my email account on his computer, but he was already logged in. I went to log out, but an email thread caught my attention. It was a thread that was 15 emails long between my FI and his first serious girlfriend from college. I felt really sad, then I felt betrayed.
I know this is kind of not a huge deal, and other people have bigger problems, but seriously? FI has told me in the past that he no longer speaks to this girl. And the emails were kind of flirty with lots of :)s and ;)s, even though they were about drafting for a fantasy baseball league (that I wanted to join, and FI told me there was no more room, yet from the emails, he apparently invited this girl instead).
I’ve accidentally seen other things from her before, too. Once, his phone went off when I was holding onto it, and it said, “Heart right back” and it was from her. He always says, “Heart” to people in emails/text messages, and it doesn’t bother me because he’s male and isn’t generally good at expressing emotion. But I don’t like him saying “Heart” to her. Sorry. Not ok.
Also, his family often asks how she’s doing in front of me, to which I’d like to respond, “HEY! FAMILY! FUTURE IN-LAWS! I’M OVER HERE IF YOU’D LIKE TO NOTICE ME!” This girl is a girl that he started dating his freshman year of college before he had broken up with his girlfriend from high school. When we first started dating (he was 25 and had had two other relationships since then), it seemed like every time I was at his apartment, she would call him and they’d talk for half an hour. That happened about 4 times before I told him I was NOT ok with that.
Anyway, I hate to be the kind of girl that tells her fiance he can’t talk to people, but…am I validated in feeling terrible about this and telling him he shouldn’t talk to her anymore?
Post # 3
I would be pissed and feel extremely betrayed too. I belive the an ex should not be in his life. period. If he is talking to an ex than especially with the 🙂 and 😉 that is NOT ok.
Post # 4
i’d kill her! haha not really but i have absolutely no respect for women (or men for that matter) or hit on someone they know is in a relationship. i have no patience for it and personally if i had seen that text i would have texted back.
i dont think you should flat out tell him he cant talk to her, because it will only make him want to do it more.i think you need to have a talk with FI and tell him how this makes you feel. Ask him how would he feel if the roles were reversed?
either way though -this is a big no no and you are justified in your feelings
Post # 5
I am friends with 2 exes. We were friends before, tried to date, it didn’t work out but we were able to maintain awesome friendships. They make my life better and I love them. Not in the way I love my husband, but I care for them very much. Luckily he’s very ok with this and has never told me I couldn’t talk to them anymore.
That said, I have also never tried to conceal the friendships. I have nothing to hide. I am an adult and I should be able to choose my own friendships.
I would say you’re justified in being upset, because he is keeping this from you. It’s probably innocent and he isn’t talking about it because he doesn’t want to spark a fight, but I believe it’s disrespectful to be friends with an ex if your current partner doesn’t know about it. You should voice your concerns, definitely.
Post # 6
Ahhh. Girl. You have every right to be upset and to feel betrayed. A conversation needs to happen immediately. If he knows how upset this makes you, you shouldn’t even have to ask for him to stop. He should take the necessary action to keep you, his future wife, happy.
Post # 7
I think you’re pretty justified in being angry and betrayed about this. He’s hiding this from you, and that’s the part that isn’t cool in my book. It would be one thing if you were fine with them talking, but the fact that you found an email string where he was a) flirting with her and b) inviting her into a fantasy baseball league that he told you was too full to join would infuriate me.
I think you need to sit him down and have a talk about this with him pronto. He’s disrespecting you and your feelings, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Post # 8
Any of these things, in and of themselves would hurt my feelings. However, that all of them are happening, not ok in my book. I’d have a long heart to heart with my FI and asking him honestly, what is up with him and his ex. It may be nothing, but he needs to be upfront with you.
About his family – he needs to take the stance and firmly say to them something along the lines of ‘I don’t know, she’s out of my life and not sure why you keep asking about her. if you haven’t noticed, I am engaged…to someone else.’
It has nothing to do with allowing him to talk to someone, it has to do with respecting you. To me, sneaking around, telling you you can’t join the fantasy team but invites her, phone calls/emails/texts with an ex and allowing his family to keep her (and their relationship) active and alive is not respectful to you at all.
Post # 9
@Gemstone: 100% AGREED.
That stuff wouldn’t fly in our household. We had conversations early into our engagement about what kinds of expectations we had for one another in regards to dealing with family, friends, Exes, future kiddos, chores, and etc. It sounds like you two are not on the same page and a discussion needs to happen ASAP.
Post # 10
You have every right to feel betrayed! You are being betrayed! He should be telling you about these communications – ESPECIALLY if you have voiced that she makes you uncomfortable. I’ve dealt with a cheater before, and let me tell you, you are just scratching the surface here. (I’m not saying he cheating on you. I don’t know, but keep your eyes open.) What he’s doing is SO disrespectful to you…not only sending “hearts” to her, but a flirty email chain and inviting her to be on a fantasy bb league that you wanted to be on? OH HELL NO. It makes my blood boil!!!
I would NOT reveal your source. DO NOT let him know that you know about the emails. Just ask him if he’s been talking to her. See what he says. See if he’s truthful. See if he hides things from you. Look at his eyes, his mannuerisms… His answers will let you know where you stand. I know it is hard to be quiet here, but you need to be so you can find out more information. And, trust me, you want to find out more information. This is NOT OK!!
Post # 11
Based on what you wrote, this would annoy me as well. Not that they were friends but that he said they no longer speak yet they do…then not allowing you on a fake draft team then allowing her….that would irk me.
Post # 12
I think that it all depends on the circumstances of the situation. My FI has ex-girlfriends as friends and I dont mind if they catch up every once in a while. However if it comes to a point where I am feeling awkward & uncomfortable with it, and its really bothering me, I would ask it to stop. I actually had to do this once already, and he actually did quit talking.
Clearly you are uncomfortable with her and her winky and smily faces (which I agree sounds flirty to me, and I wouldnt like it either), and hopefully if you talk to your FI about it, he will understand. And I agree with totheislnds, ask how he would feel if the roles were reversed.
Your relationship should have priority over an old flame. plain and simple.
Post # 13
I would be PISSED! And I would tell him no. How would he feel if the tables were turned? That is not ok to hold on like that when he should be moving forward with you.
Post # 14
I’m friends with a ton of my ex’s and we don’t talk nearly that much! I’d be really upset if my FI started getting calls, text AND emails from his ex… seems like a little much… I’d confront her if it was me… hehe
Post # 15
I agree with the PP’s and, to make you feel better, been there myself.
Though, on my end, I didn’t question my reaction, I went for his bloody throat and was thoroughly PISSED. It was a “her or me” discussion, also.
And it hasn’t been just ONE friend, either. I’ve gone through this with several and, I have to admit, except for one, it was completely on THEIR side, not his (I often look over his shoulder at their FB chats and I’ll confront him when it’s questionable). The exception, well, let’s just say she was removed from FB, blocked, and he supposedly doesn’t have her in his phone (which I highly doubt, because of a text I read and subsequently confronted him over.).
Since it wasn’t on purpose, I’d definitely confront him about it and let him know how you’re feeling. He should NOT be doing that with anyone OTHER than YOU.
good luck and sooooo sorry you’re dealing with this!!!
Post # 16
OMG, seriously I would not be happy. The same kind of thing happened to me and then I had to put a stop to it. I can’t believe that he thinks it’s ok to talk to his ex…. I bet that if you had to constantly do that with your ex, he would not be happy at all!!!
you should 100% straighten him out and you should tell him that it makes you feel really uncomfortable that he speaks to her and that you would like him to stop. He should respect your feelings as he is going to be your husband and he should understand where you are coming from…
as for his family… next time they say anything like that you should seriously put them in their place. you should maybe mention this to your fiance and maybe he can speak to them about this alone and tell them that it’s not ok to bring her up as it makes you uncomfortable plus they shouldn’t care how she is doing as she is a closed chapter in his life!!!!!!!
grrrrr… i know how you feel but you need to put a stop to it!!!! it feels awful…i know.