Those who chose not to have kids, are you scared of being alone?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MissHarleyBlue:  Honey, everyone…no  matter how many people are in the room, is alone when they die….its a very personal experience, and having company while you do it, in no way affects the outcome.

My brother, who has two children asks me over and over what Mr. 99 and I are going to do when we get older….who’s going to take care of us?  It makes me think he only had kids to ensure his exit from this Earth won’t be unaccompanied and I just don’t get it.

Because I’m not afraid of growing older, I’m not afraid of dying and I’m not bothered by being alone….because life holds what it holds for all of us, if its my path be a solitary but still extremely awesome old lady, so be it.

Don’t be afraid, dying is as natural as being born, everyone does it and no one ever comes back to complain!

Post # 4
Member
5421 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MissHarleyBlue:  No, I’m not, for several reasons.

First, I have OH, and some good close friends, as well as my brother. I believe that not having children allows me to put more time into cultivating adult relationships, as I have more time to socialise, etc. So I would hope that I won’t be ‘alone’ when I’m older.

Second, I think that assuming your children will be there to look after you when you’re old is naive, because that as not been my experience. Almost every single eldery person I know who cannot look after themselves has ended up in a home; in fact, the only person I can think of who hasn’t (she’s in her nineties) is a lady without children, but with lots of friends who take care of her, and whose care has enabled her to remain fairly independent.

Third, being alone doesn’t scare me; losing my independence does, but that prospect wouldn’t be any less scary if I had/wanted children, for the reason I gave above (ie that it is unlikely tghey will care for you based on what I have seen). I am OK with being alone, I am OK with my own company; and the loss of independence I will try to deal with by ensuring we have plenty of savings and can afford a live-in carer. Further, it is unlikely, due to cost of living where we live, that we would be able to save that kind of money if we had children.

Fourth and finally, even IF being alone scared me, it would not make me reconsider not having children. I am OK with taking the risk of spending my last years in a home, which many people with children will do too, if that means getting to enjoy the rest of my life up until that point without children.

Post # 6
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

Of course, but it’s not reason enough to go against all my feelings and lifegoals just hoping I will not be alone when I die. Many people have kids who, unfortunately, never go to visit them and they still die alone … it’s very sad. I’m hoping I can bond with my nieces and nephews, and friends’ children over time and as they get adults, and maybe they will genuinely consider me as their auntie or nana and will offer me presence and support when my time comes. 

I think what scares me more than my own death is losing my mother. My mother is everything to me. If there was 1 person I’d like to be there when I die, to comfort me, it’s my mom, but according to the course of life, this is not going to happen. 

Post # 7
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@barbie86:  very well said!!!!

I am currently dealing with a mother is law that is not well physically or mentally.  My DH and I are doing our best to guide her along and assist when we can.  While I feel very bad for my mother in law a part of me is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I feel like I have a 70 year old child.  I would never want to put this type of burdon on anyone…. especially children.

I do not plan on having children and do not feel guilty one bit.  The world in my opinion is really a sad place.  With all the war, disease, financial crises, etc happening, the best gift I can give my child is to not have them. 

Post # 8
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MissHarleyBlue:  when people ask me who will take care of me when I’m older if I don’t have kids, I say that I will be able to afford a nice retirement home with all the money I saved by not having them.  It’s true! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’ve never really thought much about it. We don’t want kids either. To be honest though I don’t want to live very long because it seems so awful to be old. So it’s not like I’m trying to stay healthy enough to live to 100. Hopefully I don’t and then I’m not alone for long? 

Post # 10
Member
4220 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Not really. I could end up alone at any stage in life, as could anybody. Also, I’m not going to live my entire life in a way I don’t want just so my last moments are or are not a certain way. No one can plan for that. 

Post # 11
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MissHarleyBlue:  Conversely, which is worse…dying alone or spending every day until your dying day (no matter how infirm) taking care of your adult child who has a disability or a mental health problem or a crippling drug addiction that has resulted in them failing over and over again? Or dying alone because you HAD a kid, but now they hate you? You risk all of those options when you choose to have a child. There are MANY people who will be dying alone who had children. So, don’t sweat it. You just need to really invest in your health and try and get involved in your community so that you have a lot of interaction when you’re older.

Post # 12
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MissHarleyBlue: 

I’m not concerned with being alone for all the reasons that the PP’s already stated, but I am slightly concerned with my wine consumption throughout the course of my child free life!  ha!  

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1233 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

We don’t plan on having kids and I don’t feel any remorse/fear towards our future. Look at how many people end up in nursing homes after a certain age regardless if their children are able to care for them or not. I personally think it’s selfish to have kids JUST so you have somebody to take care of you when you are older. There is no guarentee that you kids will even like you let alone care for you.

@vess5:  LOL!

Post # 14
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@blushpinkbride:  This is an excellent point.  DH’s grandmother’s nursing facility was the best money could buy, and she was really happy and well cared for the whole time.  For what it’s worth, her son (DH’s uncle) did everything in his power to try and get her to go to the cheapest facility possible so as not to waste his inheritance.  Pretty messed up…

Post # 15
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As far as being taken care of when you are old and alone, I think as long as you treated people well during your life you won’t be abandoned by friends and family. There might not be a child of yours to take you into their home and care for you, but other people would step in and help you in whatever way they can.

But yeah, as PPs have mentioned, we all die alone.

Post # 16
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@MissHarleyBlue:  I’m sorry you’re worrying about this. At the end of the day, everyone is pretty much alone in the end. Death is a journey that we take on our own.

I do plan to have kids, but I have relatives who didn’t have kids. None of them have ever been alone. My Great-Great-Aunt died at the age of 95 when I was 9. She never married and never had kids, but her nieces and nephews absolutely adored her. She was always surrounded by signs of love, even when we couldn’t be there in person.

Compare that to my paternal Grandma. She had three kids (all boys) and none of them can stand her. She spent so much time comparing my uncles to my dad – the “golden” child – that none of them can stand her. . . and because of this, my dad and his older brother kept their kids from spending too much time with her. Her sons take care of her and make sure she is doing ok, but they do it out of obligation not love.

Having kids is no guarantee of being loved when you grow old or having others with you when you pass away.

And for those people discussing Nursing Homes, sometimes they are unavoidable. People have to work and acting as caretaker for someone is not easy by any means, especially if that person is elderly. Sometimes it isn’t even possible. Having a visiting nurse can be helpful, but they can’t always provide round the clock care the way that a Nursing Home can.

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