(Closed) Thought I was going to be a bridesmaid…

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m guessing that she feels bad that she couldn’t have you in her bridal party (I’m assuming you two are close, since you thought you would be) and she’s trying to find a way to include you.  I wouldn’t be offended though.  It seems like she’s trying to maintain your friendship. Also, she may not have called back because you never answered and she thinks you’re offended.  Maybe give her a call and see if she still needs a hand with anything?

Post # 4
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i think she probably wants to include you somehow.  I wanted to include all my friends, but we are having a smaller wedding party, so instead I asked some of them to do things like readings, etc because I still wanted them to be part of my day.  I’d bring it up with her and just see if she still wants/needs help with those things if you are interested in helping out with her day

Post # 5
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I can see how you’d be disappointed. I’ve had that happen a couple times too.  I had one ask me to be the DOC for her instead. I’m totally cool with that because I know she doesn’t have a family member to help with that type of stuff. And she trusts that I’ll take care of it and not bother her with the little things. So look at it that way as she trusts that you’ll do a good job.

Post # 6
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is always a tough situation. A good friend of mine got married last year and asked her sister, Future Sister-In-Law, and one other friend (a former roommate). I understood that they wanted to keep the bridal party small and mostly family. At the time, I a tiny bit bummed, but really ok with it. Once the wedding rolled around, I was really sad about it. I felt like I didn’t really get a chance to share her special day with her. I completely understand you being disappointed and not wanting to do an “alternate” job.

It sounds like she is speaking to you normally, but just hasn’t brought up the alternate jobs. In that case, I would probably just leave it be.

Post # 7
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yeah, I totally see why you are disappointed/upset about it. I’m sure I would feel the same way if I was in your position. However, I truly have heard of brides asking women not in their bridal party to do other things for them. Actually, my mom’s friend is getting married and instead of asking my mom to be in the bridal party (she is only having like a Maid/Matron of Honor and that’s it) she asked if she would help out with getting the ceremony guests organized and in their seats since they won’t have any ushers and stuff. I’ve also heard of someone organizing and telling everyone what to do when the bride and groom exit the church and so on.. So I’m sure that she does in fact feel bad for not having you be a part of the bridal party, but it isn’t totally out of the norm to ask for help in other areas of the big day.

Post # 8
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not sure how I feel about asking friends to do free work for you in lieu of including them in the bridal party. I mean, asking for a favor is one thing, but passing that off as an “honor” doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe if it was something fun, like coming dress shopping or doing a reading. But not doing actual work for the bride. 

I don’t think your friend meant to offend you though, because if you go to any wedding site or book, the advice they give you for including your friends who didn’t make the cut for Bridesmaid or Best Man is “give them other tasks, like guestbook attendant!” So I wouldn’t be offended. But I wouldn’t feel like you had to do anything at the wedding either unless it’s something you’re excited about. 

Post # 9
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would be bummed out too.  But it’s her wedding and in the end she’s the one making decisions.  It’s always hard to pick your wedding party so don’t be too hard on her unless there are some other reasons we don’t know about.

As far as helping out, it’s totally up to you and you can say no if you want to.  My FI’s friend offered to get ordained for us but we already had a minister.  We also need someone to take a video of the ceremony and first dance.  But I don’t want to push this task on someone.  I’d rather have someone do it that will enjoy doing it and it’s bothered.  Afterall, I want my friends and family to have a good time! 

Post # 11
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can see why you were a bit offended. But in all honesty, we all know how stressful the wedding day is going to be – trying to make sure everything is taken care of, and everything runs smoothly. IMO I think you should do it. She could probably really use the help, but after you didn’t respond to her requests she probably figured you didn’t want to do it, and she didn’t want to push you – and that’s probably why she hasn’t brought it up again.
It seems like she really trusts you – asking you to speak infront of her and her FIs entire family… putting the whole “look” of the venue in your hands to make sure it’s done right. I think it would be a nice way for you to be involved in your friends wedding day. It’s fun being part of the “behind the scenes” at a wedding 🙂

Post # 12
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I can totally understand being hurt by not being asked.  But you have a good attitude by understanding.  Just because we understand with our heads doesn’t mean we do with our hearts.  Sigh.

As for asking you to do the other tasks, I would decline.  (Well in your case, I wouldn’t bring it up again, unless she asks again.)  I won’t say she meant to offend you, or was being selfish.  She probably wanted to include you.  But usually those consolation positions are readings or something else that shows the other guests how special you are.  Checking out the venue and MCing for the night are JOBS, that you pay other people for.  Unless you are someone who gets your jollies from coordinating venues or MCing, I don’t see how it would be enjoyable for a guest (invited, as a guest) to work at the wedding.

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