Weddingbee boards

Anyone else feel like what's the point in getting excited during planning when there is always something to bring it down?

I guess I just imagined it differently.. I could elaborate but why bore anyone.  If the thought crosses your mind about "everything being a mistake"; does that mean it truely is?

Lost in New Jersey* 

Do you mean the wedding and all of the related hoop-la being a mistake, or getting married itself?

If it's just the wedding business, then I definitely hear ya. I'm still hoping that one of these days my fiance will wake up and magically want to go to city hall. 

If it's actually getting married that feels like a mistake, you should definitely take some time to think that over. It could just be nerves, but it never hurts to take a closer look at what's going on with you.

It's not just the wedding planning. I feel like everytime i get excited over a new obstacle i've tackled.. my other half puts a damper on it.

Today, my mother and I found the perfect mother of the bride dress. Needless to say my excited went on a scale from 1-10.. from a 10 to a negative 10 after tryin to talk to the fiance.

That's just one of the scenarios. Tons of money is invested... and i feel like im sitting here alone. (funny to feel that way, being we just moved in together may 1st).

As I sit here and type.. he snores on the couch.. n mutters "why did you even come home?"

Am I missing something here?

Thanks August.. I just can't bare another night.. crying myself to sleep while he lays next to me like everything is "fine".

I think i'm getting overwhelmed with doubts. I don't like particular family members that tend to still cause problems in our lives, he doesn't do anything around the apartment (even bitches if i dont wash the dishes right away, as if they would ever sit there longer then a couple hours), wants no part of wedding plans, and every night since we've moved in together he has had his friends here partying.

I'm starting to think he is using me to enjoy his lifestyle instead of blending ours together..

I guess another factor that has my mind going crazy is.. everytime i see my mother; she asks me if I am ok, if i'm ready to come home.

That's not normal, right?

Does everyone else see failure or am I being paranoid?

So many questions, and I'm afraid only i have the answers

(((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this! This is just my advice, but it sounds like you could really use a step back to look at the situation. Have you thought about trying therapy? Both for just yourself and maybe you and him as a couple. This just doesn't sound right... it shouldn't be like this. Every couple goes through hard times, but it sounds like you just aren't on the same page at the moment.

Your mom might be picking up on your unhappiness. I do hope you find someone you can trust to talk to, and I really hope you can work it out! A partnership should be making *both* of you happy... not just him.

Thanks for all your kind words and support. It helps getting adviced from people that aren't in my everyday life.

I woke up at 6 am puking my brains... probably just nerves and stress. He wasn't very helpful.. actually i was interupting his sleep... so i went on the couch. go figure.

I don't believe he would be interested in therapy or any marriage counseling. He gets angry if i even discuss issues with anyone in my life. (I even took my avater off my profile so no one would exactly know me) Pathetic eh?

Chatted briefly over the phone while he was at work.. didn't go to well. Supposedly we are having a sit down when he gets home. I don't thnk it is going to go well. I also found a little peice of paper with a girls name and address on it that said "i'll miss you, don't forget me". I never said anything until this morning. I don't believe he has ever cheated.. but why even put that thought in my mind.

We've been together 3 years.. and i love his friends dearly. They are always complimenting us and saying they hope one day they can find what we have. I never tell him he can't go out .. he normally choose not to unless i am there. I don't get the whole "i'm losing my manhood" thing. I'm not the crazy care that thinks we should sit on the couch and just be us. Like fizics said.. i guess i just thought having our own place would bring us closer on so many different levels.. but i feel more alone then ever.

Still ever so lost in New Jersey*

As of yesterday afternoon... I am back at my parents; took most of my stuff with me. Slept on the couch.

Confused more than ever.

wow... I hope things get better.  It sounds like he is just going through his own thing.  Sometimes guys get pressure from their friends especially if they are the first ones to get married-- as if they're a wuss for getting hitched.  My fiance put it this way once-- based on this comedian who did this little routine (totally paraphrasing)--- when women get engaged, they go tell their friends and when other women talk about it, they say things like "OMG!!!  Did you hear??!?!?!  So-and-so just got engaged!!!"  And the women get all excited and giggle with glee.  Now when the man goes and tells his friends and all the other guys talk about it, they say something like this--- "Dude... did you hear?  So-and so just got engaged!"  But they say it as if he got a disease or a death sentence. 

I guess it's just the way they handle and perceive things--- even though after it's all said and done, men sometimes get the better end of the deal... because they get to be with their best friend.  Don't get me wrong, women get something out of marriage too but we have our girl friends to talk to and share with.  Men don't usually share their feelings with other men... their girlfriends/wives become their best friend.  

Hope everything works out and that you take care of yourself.  Planning a wedding is stressful and difficult.  But you guys are in it together.  If he isn't going to be on your side, then you guys have a lot to think about.  Good luck...

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart... you're kind words and advice have helped me alot. I am still staying at my parents. On Saturday after numerous missed calls and texts, I finally decided to answer a call from him. We spoke.. or should I say "I" spoke for 2 hours pouring my heart out and really letting him know everything. (I've done that before) but this time I feel like he actually listened. I played both sides. Either this works and we grow and move on together OR we go our seperate ways and close this chapter. I told him to go over everything i had to say and think about why i truely felt how i felt. (he honestly thought i left just because i found a girls name n address in his wallet.) and that was probably 5% of it. I never truely thought he cheated or talked to another female inappropriately. It was all the other stuff.

I stopped by the apartment today to grab a few things.. (def sucks living out of boxes). I ended up stay there for a couple hours and we had a "heart to heart". I got my answers to my questions and we really cleared up many things. I feel in my heart that we are going to make it; but I really need him to see just how serious this whole situation is.

::Sal:: just like you said... i told my fiance that he needs to bond with his guy friends more.. and choose one or two that he can really express is feelings too instead of keeping them bottled up. Pick one to go to for advice. Either that or therapy.

His birthday is on Thursday and I had booked a room in Atlantic City for Friday night way back when... maybe if we get away for that night like planned, that will give us a chance to bring us back to why we first fell in love.

Thanks again to my supporters... it really means the world. I'm not one to run to my family or friends and give details because that only makes them judge. <3

First of all a HUGE hug for you. FH and I went through some really hard spots (even called it off once), mainly because we have been LD the majority of our relationship. One thing that always helped me (and still does) was something author/psychologist Carol Gilligan said in an interview. I don't have the quote directly in front of me right now but it was something to the effect of she and her husband have had many different relationships with one another and marriage is a continuous process of losing and finding each other again. I think it's the willingness to commit to taking the time to continuously rediscover who we are as individuals and as couples that really gives the relationship a chance. Rediscovery can definitely be a big part of moving in together, like the blending speedy02mhs talked about.

To me, personally, I think part of achieving a successful relationship means you have to be with someone who will fight <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">with (ie alongside) you to reach that common goal. That doesn't mean there won't ever be disagreements but it's having the determination to take the steps, to develop the skills that allow us to work through the rough patches, even if it may mean going to marriage counseling, that can make a world of difference. I'm not saying your FH isn't someone who will fight <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">with you, only you can really figure that out. I think it is good that you seem willing to give him the chance to prove that he is that person though. And to go off of speedy02mhs's comment again, we have to be able to communicate effectively with them too.

The best of luck to you! Let us know how everything turns out. 

Thanks Ladies,

As of last night I am back where I truely belong. In my apartment with my fiance. We know we still have many things to work on but we are meant to be. Thanks for all your support.