Post # 1
Sooo. Recently got engaged. I’ve been with the guy for years. Absolutely do love him. BUT. sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like it’s not enough. He’s a nice guys, but there are few qualities I wish were different. Clearly he’s not going to change. I’m just not 100% sure that I can do this. He’s a great guy – I don’t know a single person who thinks he’s anything less than nice. But when it comes to us, I feel like I’m on the bottom of the priority list. For instance – when we were picking our venue and wedding date – it came down to two dates. And I really wanted one of them. His first reaction is – he heard one of his former high school friends might be getting married in the same month and perhaps we should check with him. Mind you, this guy and he used to be good friends but haven’t spoken in about 4 or 5 years and when the guys got engaged, my FH wasn’t invited to the engagement party. He seems more interested in avoiding conflict with some guy he’s no longer friends with than me.
Also, despite the fact we’ve been together for years, he didn’t save for an engagement ring. In fact, he borrowed money from me, which I’m pretty sure he used to pay for the engagement ring. He’s got a stable job and makes pretty good money and he’s been working for awhile. But he hasn’t paid me back at all and it doesn’t look like he’s going to.
Bees – is it enough that he says he loves me and that I love him? Am I overreacting?
Post # 3
Wanting to check with the friend is a little questionable, but if they have a lot of friends in common, he probably didn’t want to miss seeing some of the guests because they’d be at the other guy’s wedding. That’s not unreasonable.
As for the ring, well. I helped DH pay for my ring and it was no big deal, but I have to ask–how do you KNOW he used your money to pay for the ring? If it bothers you that he hasn’t paid you back, speak up. Don’t sit and stew about it.
I think the big issue here is that you need to talk to him about these problems instead of just letting your resentment grow.
Post # 4
I second Mrs. Grape. You guys should talk about these problems.
Post # 5
I would however be concerned about a finace who borrowed money and hasn’t paid it back. It does not bode well for his money management skills in the future.
Post # 6
especially if he has a good job with his own money.
Post # 7
FI and I are paying off the ring together, too, but we talked about it beforehand and decided that would work for us. I would have been pretty upset if he ‘borrowed’ money and didn’t pay it back, though.
Did your FI know how much you wanted the certain date?
Only you know if he’s the right one for you, but it definitely sounds like you need to talk.
Post # 8
I think what you’re feeling is completely normal for many people. Its so easy to get swept up in the excitement of being a bride that its easy to forget its a huge, lifelong commitment. And, when that hits it can be scary and overwhelming.
If I honestly sit here and think back on things I can find a trait in a old boyfriend or guy friend that I wish my fiance had but doesn’t. But, I don’t think that makes him wrong for me. He has that something that works for me.
I’m a scientist and so is my fiance. One of my dear friends, also a scientist, was griping about guys one time because she wasn’t sure where to find a boyfriend. The only people in our age range that we really knew were also scientists! She kept insisting “I don’t date scientists, I need someone creative and artsy to balance things out. I always date someone artsy!”. It got to the point she’s turn down invites from other scientists because she was sure they were wrong for her! But, I always would tell her that she needed to forget her need for someone artsy. All the artsy guys she’s been with before didn’t work out so perhaps its time to change that requirement. Point being, take a deep breath and look at the situation. Are you looking for something that you think you want but doesn’t truly make sense?!
I don’t think your FI was putting others before you. I bet he was just thinking about wanting people there to celebrate with you and not wanting conflict. We all want people at our wedding to celebrate, wouldn’t it be sad to have a huge portion of your guests decline because they were already overbooked?! One of my FI’s first concerns was about his best man. His best man was also asked to be best man in another wedding the same month as ours. We definitely had to do some coordinating.
I urge you to sit down and think about what made you fall in love with this man. And, what has made you stay together all this time. Imagine the type of future you can have in a happy marriage. If it truly isn’t right, then come to terms with that sooner rather then later but I suspect its just cold feet. Its a huge committment so you have every right to be thinking through your decision and to also be nervous that you’d made the right decision. But, at some point you just gotta jump in and enjoy the ride!!!!
Post # 9
@MissTurtle27: Very well said. I think you really explained what it means to make this transition.
OP, I don’t think you’re FI is thoughtless. In fact, I think he’s trying to do the right thing, because, as you said, he is a nice person. HOWEVER, if you’re concerned about anything, including his priorities and/or money management skills, talk it out now. If you don’t have a wedding date set, take the time you need to get your ducks in a row. You may also want to consider couples counseling to ease your mind. I would hope you would be willing and able to speak with your future spouse about anything, and he woul feel the same.
I’ll also say that during the engagement process we can put a microscope on our relationship and our partner. This is very normal but can all be detrimental if we pick apart things and consider personal flaws as dealbreakers. Make sure you know what is truly a dealbreaker for you before you say ‘this is not the right guy for me’. This time is stressful and not always joyous. There are lots of great books and websites about this topic too.
LASTLY, just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean engagement is the right choice (the next step). Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you. Many us have been in long-term relationships where marriage was or was not the right thing. Just take the time you need to sort it out.