Post # 1
Ok, so I am another girl rambling on about waiting, in hope’s someone will give me good advice, hope or a reality check.
I am 28 and my boyfriend will be 27 in a few months. We have been together for over 3 years. We bought a house together almost 2 years ago. He is a carpenter and loves to do renovations, so we bought a fix-er-upper home. Not the best idea in my mind but I supported his idea and goals. Before I agreed to move in with him and do this big purchase, I asked him what his thoughts on marriage and children was. He got annoyed and said “All you girls need to relax, you’re all the same. We will live together for 6 months and go from there”. I kind of got upset but moved on from that.
Well 2 years later, he still doesn’t talk much about our future together. He said we will get married and have some kids one day. But I think he just tells me this to shut me up. Usually when I bring it up he say’s nothing or changes the subject. This has caused me to feel major resentment and anger towards him lately. I have started to become bitter and mean to him a lot of the time.
I feel I have supported his wishes, and went along with his renovations and ideas about the house long enough, and I want some answers. I don’t want to waste my time on someone who won’t ever give me what I want in my life too. When will it be about me?
Also, I have got 3 rings from him. Which I have titled “shut-me-up-rings”. He won’t take me to look at engagement rings, so we can pick one out. But he recently spent $3000 on a new deck. He hasn’t saved a cent to buy me a ring or for our wedding. Basically I’m irritated to the max. Someone help lol
Post # 3
He clearly views a house and small rings as signs he is committed to you which is great! I completely understand the desire to have it set in stone (literally) with an engagement ring. he probably views the house as his project to make a nice house for you and your future children. If I were you I would drop comments how he is getting older etc so he realizes he needs to figure out his future. Then I would eventurally re-visit the future convo and tell him that you want to know what he is thinking about eventurally. Get him to give a timeline that matches yours. Good luck! Waiting is no fun :/
Post # 4
I agree with pp. I think your SO’s views about the purchasing a home together, is his form of commitment too you. At the time, if marriage is an important sign of commitment too you (bigger than a house), than you need to express that. A believe a talk is in order. If it were me, I would lay it down, “Listen, I’ve gone along with this whole buy a house thing, but I need more commitment from you.” Or just something along those lines. I would tell him, I don’t want to play house anymore without a ring (a proposal, a wedding date, whatever).
Post # 5
Trust me I have tried to have those kind of conversations more than once. I get no where. I went to therapy and the therapist told me to say “I’d like to see us engaged within 6 months”. He didn’t like that idea at all. He didn’t want to be told what to do. I talk to a brick wall with him. He’s perfect, other than this. I am not a patient person. All my friends are either engaged, married or pregnant. This isn’t fair.
Post # 6
“he’s perfect other than this” but “this” is huge. you feel like he’s stringing you along because he truly is. you need a heart to heart converstation where you tell him that you want to feel like things are moving forward. either come up with a timeline together or set your own and be ready to act on it. that’s where it gets messy–
buying a house with someone is sometimes trickier than marriage. what’s your plan if he says he doesn’t want marriage/kids at all? for 5 years?
how will you get out of this contract you have with him?
Post # 7
in the words of my therapist, stay calm and remember that your feelings are as valid as his. it sounds like he thinks he gets to decide when and where your needs are met, while you keep meeting all of his needs without a question (living together, buying the type of house he wants, letting him put off talking to you for 2 years). you sound like a major giver which is an awesome quality to have, but you may need to remind yourself that he IS LUCKY to have you and you deserve to have your needs met, too. if my SO said “all you girls need to relax, you’re all the same” to me, i would be anything BUT relaxed. then again, i’m pretty freaking high maintenance 🙂
Post # 8
@paintpastelprincess_ab: I would have been finished with him at, “All you girls need to relax, you’re all the same.”
He will keep treating you this way as long as you allow him to.
He doesn’t get to be in complete control unless you let him be in complete control. Your feelings count, too. Sorry, he doesn’t sound perfect to me, he sounds like an asshole from your description.
Post # 9
you hit the nail on the head!
Post # 10
@Sunfire: I agree!
OP, your wanting to know about marriage was a perfectly legitimate thing to ask for when getting ready to BUY A HOUSE. Not sign a lease, a house, which is a huge deal!
You guys need to have a conversation about this where YOUR needs get met. So far, only his needs have been met, and you’ve allowed that to happen. He hasn’t seriously considered marriage because he hasn’t had to, he’s been calling all the shots. You have every right to know when and if you guys are getting married. If he keeps evading the issue, that’s his way of telling you he doesn’t want to get married. In which case either get your name off that mortgage or talk about selling the house.
Post # 11
@paintpastelprincess_ab: hahaha!! I have a great therapist, don’t i??? she says to try to be as calm as possible because sometimes when you’re crying and talking to a man, they get distracted from the words you are actually saying. if you can be calm and sort of lay out what you say in a non-accusatory fashion and emphasizing positive things that apparantly works well with the male brain in most cases. the statement I used with my SO was “I feel like we are in a great relationship and I don’t understand why you are so scared of marriage unless there’s something I’m missing or something that happened with a previous relationship.” that got the floodgates to open for us to talk about why he was scared. It’s possible your SO has some issues which he is avoiding, hence shutting you down every time you speak up!! you may really need to stick up for yourself in order to get him to talk because he may be hiding from his feelings. you have given him 3 years of your life–you deserve an honest conversation. just try to pick you moment well and listen to what he’s really saying really closely.
Post # 12
Realistically, to be honest, I think that fact that he is completely unwilling to talk about marriage with you in a serious concern (especially since his original response was that he wanted to live together 6 months before it was brought up, and it has now MORE THAN passed his own deadline).
You sound like you’re terribly unhappy right now … which is a huge concern (more so than anything else).
You need to be in a situation/ relationship that makes you happy, and right now your current relationship is not doing that for you.
I think you need to sit down with him and ask him calmly but bluntly if he does want to marry you or not… Not right now, not tomorrow… just in general yes or no.
If he says yes, then you need to decide how long you personally are willing to wait for that.
If he says no, then you have your answer.
Either way, at this point you just need to know that, since he seems to be sending mixed signals.
But for the record you’re never stuck, and you can always leave (even if you have a house)… I’m not sayign you should or shouldn’t do that… I’m just saying that, that shouldnt be taken into account at this point, realistically… your happiness is the main concern.
Post # 13
Ummmm you need a timeline— and he needs to know what will happen if he doesn’t meet the timeline. Be firm but clear that you do not feel comfortable living together for this long without making steps to toward the aisle-
Six months has past, you have been very generous with time- no MORE!
Post # 14
RUn. get out of the house contract and run.
Post # 15
Playing house is what he does well, and it seems like he doesn’t want the piece of paper that goes with it (marriage) so it’s up to you to decide how much longer you keep playing. You played for 3 years, is it now time to give him a reality check? Marry me or I walk?
Post # 16
getting out of a house contract and running is an oxymoron. one person would have to buy the other out or you put the house up for sale. it’s super hard and messy.
like we’ve all said, you need a timeline and strength. we will help with the strength 🙂