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Is there any way that they can be there and keep their opinions to themselves? You don't want to have people harping on how evil men are in your ear when you are planning your wedding.
Have they been supportive of your relationship? To me, that would be the deal breaker. It's one thing to be a bit jaded, but as long as they've always been pretty respectful when it comes to you and your FI's relationship, I wouldn't think it would be a problem
what do they think of your future husband? do they know him personally? do they see how he treats you? another thought is that they could be jealous and want to rub their bitterness off on you... i dont think you can change their attitudes about men, but it is possible to agree to disagree, at least for the time being! hopefully they'll come around, and your friendship can exist and you can talk about things other than men, or at least marriage!
edit: just wanted to add that you might not be as close, the friendship could change, but agreeing to disagree could give everyone the space they need to figure things out, and you can always end the friendship if that doesnt work, and of course try to make friends with the same values as you!
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. What's the saying? "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" or something?
I'd hope that as long as they're respectful of your relationship with your FI that they'd keep their mouths shut when it comes to their personal feelings toward men. If they keep saying things, I'd just put it all out there. Tell them that their feelings are fine, but you'd rather they keep them to themselves right now. You want this to be a happy time in your life and you want your friends to share it with you. They should respect that and just be happy for you. Good luck :)
i did put it out there for them and asked them to stop since it's not the time but then all hell broke loose. i got attacked and insulted like you wouldn't believe. i apologized and every thing is all right now, technically.
i don't see them much to begin with...i don't think they'll say anything negative anymore since my confrontation. recently tho one of them made a comment about men on her facebook page and I couldn't help but wonder if it were on purpose or if she were just saying it.
i notice one of them asking more questions about the wedding, i guess making an effort since my confrontation.
they only met my FH once, one of them not at all. they've never said anything negative about him directly, once. in fact one of them seems to think quite highly of him, though she hasn't talked about it much.
so, good advice. i'll keep them in as long as they don't say anything negative about him. i do want them in the wedding party...
bridepower, did you edit your post in the two minutes I looked away? I think I read enough of your original comments to make up my mind on what I would do if I were in your shoes.
There's an article that really brought the role of bridesmaid home to me. Keeping in mind that it's written for a particular audience, I think it raises a good point about an attendant's role being to support the couple getting married. If your friends do not support marriage, I wonder how they can support you getting married! Would a role of usher or reader or guestbook keeper or DIYer be better suited to these ladies? Surely you need people who will lift you up when times get rough, not say, "I told you so".
Here's the article: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001094.cfm. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
Edit: Oh, and one more (important) question! You've mentioned some of the potential negatives to having these women in your bridal party; what would be the positives?
Something else: Have you asked these ladies to be your bridesmaids already? If you haven't, maybe you can set up some contact between you, your FI and them and see what their responses are like. For all that it's nice to have lots of time to organise BM details, it might be good to wait a month or two and see how things unfold.
yeah i edited it. i realized that i'm afraid to put too much detail out there about what happened b/c i wouldn't want any of them to find out i wrote all of them, wouldn't want them to know it was me.
5-berry: link didn't work.
yeah, they're already in the party.
the positives: well we love each other and have a great history together, basically. i think it's possible that on the actual wedding day or at the bachelorette party they could behave differently...
they seemed happy and excited for me when he and i first moved in together several years ago (they weren't as hurt then).
help: it happened again tonight.
I mentioned in my last post that one of them is being more supportive.
well i chatted with her on FB and she made a negative comment again about men. this is after what happened when i confronted them, after what i requested. i feel like it was said on purpose. she is in major pain over an ex, which i understand.
i didn't say anything, i read last night to ignore jealousy. but if that was said on purpose then that was malicious right?
what do i do?
IMHO - bridesmaids are supposed to be there to support you in this time in your life. some brides want physical support (going shopping for dresses, choosing wedding stuff, being physically involved) some want emotional support (letting you vent when the venue decides its gonna be under construction on YOUR DAY, not finding the right shade of green, FH doing something retarded....) but they are there to support you.
so if you feel they arent doing that... well maybe they shouldnt be BM... but i would think if they are that good of friends, they can put their crap aside to be happy for you.
i know even when i was going thru my breakup with my ex-fiance back in the day, and was MOH for my best friend, i did NOT let that shadow my enthusiasm for her and her day.
thats what friendship is. sometimes putting your BS over someone elses and being happy for someone when they are doing something that obviously makes them happy.
Hi there, sorry you have to go through these complicated feelings right now. After reading your posts, I think it's possible that they're saying these things to complain & get sympathy from you -- someone with obviously good luck with men. To me, it didn't sound like an attack so much as an appeal for support.
Maybe instead of interpreting it as an attack and getting defensive, you could say something like, "I know, it's really tough out there until you find the right guy, but take it from me, good guys are out there! You're so (insert positive adjective), I know it's just a matter of time!"
It just seems like they are in pain over their relationship histories. For some people who are single or unhappy with relationship stuff, it can be really, really hard to see someone get engaged -- even when they're really happy for you and love you lots. It's nothing personal to the bride, it can just hurt.
Maybe you could try the sympathetic/supportive with a positive spin route. It may soothe their feelings and make them feel like they can get more involved.
I agree with Marinara. I have a bridesmaid who doesn't believe in marriage. But she is SO excited for me. So... maybe they are able saperate their feelings for you too
I don't think a bridesmaid who is negative about marriage generally is a big issue. My daughter lives with a man, but says she doesn't really believe in marriage, and she was just fine as my MOH.
However, I would be concerned about bridesmaids with an outspoken negative attitude about men generally. Just as I wouldn't tolerate racist or homophobic comments from friends, I wouldn't tolerate stereotyping by gender, either. And that is true even though my wedding was a same-sex one--no groom involved.
Think of it this way--if one of them had just broken up with an African American guy, would you tolerate her making constant derogatory comments about African Americans? If not, then even a bridesmaid who just broke up with an awful man should not be acting as though all men are awful.
i actually did send her an email tonite saying i loved her, that i am sorry for what she is going through, and that there are men who don't cheat: that i've met plenty good men and i've got one, that they don't always hurt you, i promise.
so i am glad i did that. b/c i both stood up for myself and was supportive.
i never thought of the possibility that it could be a cry for help. i'll remember that.
with some fear and guilt about putting out confidential material, i need to share this b/c it makes it complicated. she's pining after an exH who cheated and left her years ago and tells me she "still loves him" despite the fact that he doesn't give her child support, cheated left and right, etc. he's an SOB, i've met him plenty of times. it's been several years since he cheated/left, etc. tonite when she said to me that she still loved him it felt like she was saying to me "stop telling me not to love him, that i deserve better, etc" in response to some comments i've made before and tonite when i talked to her. i will take her hints and stop doing that and just empathize with her and listen to her from now on and not say anything. typically i just listen and don't lecture people but it's hard when she keeps engaging in the same patterns. she's now chasing after someone else who's also in a relationship.
i hate seeing her so depressed, angry, and miserable. she really believes that you only get hurt if you trust men.
what do i do?
Oh, bridepower, but a hard place for you both. I'm sorry for you and her about all of this. Congratulations on finding a good man. May she heal and come to see the good in men again, too.
That link is http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001094.cfm
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curious about people's thoughts on bridesmaids with negative attitudes toward marrige and men. three of mine are divorced/hurt/cheated on. fine, but they seem to be so disillusioned that they see all men as bad. i love them and i've known them for twenty years. i want them in my bridal party. (wedding's in eight months). but knowing this makes me have second thoughts.
thoughts?