(Closed) thoughts about bridesmaids with negative attitudes toward marriage?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is there any way that they can be there and keep their opinions to themselves?  You don’t want to have people harping on how evil men are in your ear when you are planning your wedding.

Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Have they been supportive of your relationship? To me, that would be the deal breaker. It’s one thing to be a bit jaded, but as long as they’ve always been pretty respectful when it comes to you and your FI’s relationship, I wouldn’t think it would be a problem

Post # 5
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

what do they think of your future husband?  do they know him personally?  do they see how he treats you?  another thought is that they could be jealous and want to rub their bitterness off on you…  i dont think you can change their attitudes about men, but it is possible to agree to disagree, at least for the time being!  hopefully they’ll come around, and your friendship can exist and you can talk about things other than men, or at least marriage!

 

edit: just wanted to add that you might not be as close, the friendship could change, but agreeing to disagree could give everyone the space they need to figure things out, and you can always end the friendship if that doesnt work, and of course try to make friends with the same values as you!

Post # 7
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry you have to deal with that. What’s the saying? “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” or something?

I’d hope that as long as they’re respectful of your relationship with your FI that they’d keep their mouths shut when it comes to their personal feelings toward men. If they keep saying things, I’d just put it all out there. Tell them that their feelings are fine, but you’d rather they keep them to themselves right now. You want this to be a happy time in your life and you want your friends to share it with you. They should respect that and just be happy for you. Good luck 🙂

Post # 9
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

bridepower, did you edit your post in the two minutes I looked away? I think I read enough of your original comments to make up my mind on what I would do if I were in your shoes.

There’s an article that really brought the role of bridesmaid home to me. Keeping in mind that it’s written for a particular audience, I think it raises a good point about an attendant’s role being to support the couple getting married. If your friends do not support marriage, I wonder how they can support you getting married! Would a role of usher or reader or guestbook keeper or DIYer be better suited to these ladies? Surely you need people who will lift you up when times get rough, not say, “I told you so”.

Here’s the article: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001094.cfm. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.

Edit: Oh, and one more (important) question! You’ve mentioned some of the potential negatives to having these women in your bridal party; what would be the positives?

Post # 10
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Something else: Have you asked these ladies to be your bridesmaids already? If you haven’t, maybe you can set up some contact between you, your FI and them and see what their responses are like. For all that it’s nice to have lots of time to organise BM details, it might be good to wait a month or two and see how things unfold.

Post # 14
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

IMHO – bridesmaids are supposed to be there to support you in this time in your life. some brides want physical support (going shopping for dresses, choosing wedding stuff, being physically involved) some want emotional support (letting you vent when the venue decides its gonna be under construction on YOUR DAY, not finding the right shade of green, FH doing something retarded….) but they are there to support you.

so if you feel they arent doing that… well maybe they shouldnt be BM… but i would think if they are that good of friends, they can put their crap aside to be happy for you.

i know even when i was going thru my breakup with my ex-fiance back in the day, and was MOH for my best friend, i did NOT let that shadow my enthusiasm for her and her day.

thats what friendship is. sometimes putting your BS over someone elses and being happy for someone when they are doing something that obviously makes them happy.

Post # 15
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hi there, sorry you have to go through these complicated feelings right now.  After reading your posts, I think it’s possible that they’re saying these things to complain & get sympathy from you — someone with obviously good luck with men.  To me, it didn’t sound like an attack so much as an appeal for support. 

Maybe instead of interpreting it as an attack and getting defensive, you could say something like, “I know, it’s really tough out there until you find the right guy, but take it from me, good guys are out there!  You’re so (insert positive adjective), I know it’s just a matter of time!” 

It just seems like they are in pain over their relationship histories.  For some people who are single or unhappy with relationship stuff, it can be really, really hard to see someone get engaged — even when they’re really happy for you and love you lots.  It’s nothing personal to the bride, it can just hurt.

Maybe you could try the sympathetic/supportive with a positive spin route.  It may soothe their feelings and make them feel like they can get more involved. 

Post # 16
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I agree with Marinara. I have a bridesmaid who doesn’t believe in marriage. But she is SO excited for me. So… maybe they are able saperate their feelings for you too

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