Post # 1
two years plus ago i went to my formerly best friends wedding. Our falling out was pretty major but we sort of reconected and she invited me to her shower, wedding….etc. After her wedding we really lost touch. Ocasional emails, sporadic phonecalls. Now that I’ve moved away from my hometown, i haven’t seen her for two years, haven’t spoken to her in a year. But for some reason I am dreading a phonecall from her about my wedding. I’ve always felt somewhat inferior to her. She had a huge ego, very selfish and i played second fiddle to her. I don’t want to call her and I definitely hadn’t given serious consideration to inviting her. My sister just talked to me and made a special request NOT to invite her to the bridal shower because she can’t stand her and my best friend (she defines friendship) doesn’t like her at all. The shower will be in my hometown and I’m sure she’ll find out about it. We have a few mutual aquantances and I feel a little bit ummm guilty. I really hate conflict with people who used to be so important. My sister says inviting people that are negative is inviting negativity into my life. So I’m following her advice and ducking any emails or phonecalls from her…cowardly?
Post # 3
I can totally relate. You said it yourself though, you’re “dreading” a phone call from her… why feel guilty? She shouldn’t have that power over you. I think it’s time to make a clean break. You need to make sure you spend your time with positive people who enrich your life… not take away from it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Ugh – I have had friends like that before, and I think you’re doing the right thing. Having those people in your life just makes you miserable…don’t feel guilty – it’s so much better for you to spend time with people who will make you happy.
Post # 5
Gosh I soo have a friend like this!! In earlier years we were very very close and well she changed or I changed, I’m not sure which one… if you haven’t spoken with her in quite a while I’d probably not call or invite her to the shower because you haven’t spoken with her in a while. Use the 6 month rule (if you haven’t corresponded with them in six months then they don’t need an invitation to the wedding or shower).
Post # 6
I’m going to have this dilemma for my wedding in a few years. I lost touch with my ex-best friend when she moved across the country besides a few e-mails/calls here and there over the past year. THEN, she posted on facebook that she was pregnant TWO DAYS before she TEXTED me about it. Didn’t even call! Needless to say, that was our falling out. I was her MOH, so I don’t even know what I’ll do in the future. Right now, she is a potential bridesmaid. Who knows! My FI and MOH, plus the other bridesmaids, don’t like her.
I think you’re doing the right thing.
Post # 7
Very wise words from your sister. If this old friend says anything just explain to her as you have to us. Best wishes with your awkward situation.
Post # 8
Nah. You haven’t talked to her in a year OR seen her in 2? I think it’s awfully presumptuous of HER to assume that the *besties* is back on just b/c you are having a happy event in your life. Maybe she is the kind of girl who would show up and be all “oh yeah, this is your shower? Well, X, Y, and Z is going on in my life” and you don’t need that. Avoid her, and if anyone brings it up, just say “well it’s not like i’ve talked to her in a year…” and people understand. I have sorority sisters I graduated with that I didn’t talk to in a year and we share close mutual friends and they weren’t invited. It’s not a snub, it’s ridiculous to assume otherwise. Being besties years and years ago does not mean a free pass for the future
Post # 9
She does not pass go, does not collect $200 dollars or an invite to anything. Not talking to anyone for a year after a big fight does not a best friend, good friend or even mediocre friend make. You don’t need her around, and that’s that.
Post # 10
I wondered a bit if something similar would happen to me.
I had a best best best friend in college. We were like soulmates (obviously not in a romantic way!) After college, I tried desparately to keep in touch but she seemed to be uninterested. Time went on and I felt like I was begging her to be my friend. I felt heartbroken and gave up. I haven’t spoken to her in almost four years. We saw each other at a mutual friends’ party and she ignored me. Very strange.
The awkward part is that we share numerous mutual friends from college. And we’re both getting married within three months of each other. Several of these mutual friends are in my wedding, but I don’t believe they are in hers.
My friends keeping asking me, “are you going to invite X to the wedding?” No. Would I invite someone else that I haven’t spoken to in four years? It’s definitely creating an awkward situation because all of our “group” will be at each other’s weddings, except for each other.
So long story short, no need to invite her.
Post # 11
Please don’t feel guilty! The fact that she is ‘formerly’ your best friend and you refer to her as such should be your first clue. Second, the fact that even when you were best friends, you didn’t feel as though she treated you well should be the second.
It’s ok for friendships to change and for people to move on as their lives change. It sounds like for a multitude of reasons, your lives went different paths – and it certainly doesn’t sound like you’d want to strike up a friendship on any level with her. Because of this, there is no reason why you should invite her.
Even if she may not understand or feel the same way, a simple “no, thank you” goes a long way (ie: if she calls and wants to get together, or tries to weasel into the wedding plans). Don’t feel bad just because she included you in her wedding events a couple years ago when you two were still in contact with each other or that she was once a very close friend.
If she does happen to call and ask, just treat it like anyone else not on the guest list (it’s just for close friends and family, ask her how she is, and then quickly get off the phone). Keep things short, sweet, and polite – if she calls – and you’ll feel much better about the interaction at the end of the day!
And, if you have mutual friends, where your friends are attending the events – there may be some talk that circulates. That’s to be expected and don’t let any negative talk come your way.
Post # 12
You’re sister is right!! You’re ex BF obviously isnt important to you anymore, so why invite her! She’ll probably feel awkward anyway as will you, and you don’t want that at your own party! She might do something (like cause a scene) at your shower which will upset you or get you angry and we want to avoid any kind of confrontation on one of your special days!! So I say NO don’t bother with her anymore!
Post # 13
You’re sister is right, you don’t need that kind of negativity. I am in the same boat, but my ex-bestie and I had to stop hanging out because she is an alcoholic. I know it’s hard because you’ve shared a history with her, but she’s not a part of your life anymore, so I’d leave it alone.