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I was reading something interesting on Discovery Health's website about sex and marriage, and one of the tips at the end of the article, "keep physically fit and attractive for your partner" made me curious about your opinion on the relative importance (or not) of maintaining your weight and appearance for your partner. I can see how this might rankle some people because it could be construed as harkening back to a sort of Stepford Wife expectation, but I also think there's a huge piece of it that's about respect - for yourself and for your partner. What do you all think about what's happening when someone is said to have "let herself go"? Is it realistic to try to maintain your wedding weight throughout the marriage, do you see it as inevitable that with the demands on modern women you'll be unable to keep things up as they are now, or are you already comfortable hanging out in sweat pants and no make-up, and this works just great for you as a couple?
I'm especially curious about this because my own mother recently admitted to me that my father continually encouraged her to go out and buy some nice clothes for herself, which she saw as a waste of money and time but now realizes was his way of saying, "please make more of an effort." He ended up leaving her after twenty years of marriage, so I'm thinking hard about what this all means.
I think it is good to appreciate each other beyond appearances. My husband loves being with me when I'm in sweatpants and comfy clothes. I think that we are focusing more on staying healthy for each other. We want each other to be in shape and eat healthy because it is better for us than being lazy couch potatoes that eat junk food all the time. So it's not like I have to keep up a trophy wife status, but I would like to try to stay healthy for him so we can be together for a long time.
@amariem25 - I agree with you. We're fine with each other in comfy clothes on the couch.
We've both gained some weight since we started dating almost 3 years ago, but now that our wedding is getting closer, we both want to get healthier. Hopefully some of the workout habits and eating less junk food will continue into the marriage so we can have more years together in the long run.
i think that yes you should love your partner unconditionally, HOWEVER, it really is important to take care of yourself health wise in order to make sure you are there in those old years. its out of respect for yourself and for your spouse. and the same goes for the guy.
basically love each other no matter what, but we should all strive to maintain a healthy weight and eat right, etc. out of necessity and what is just right to do.
I think both are important, actually. I'm certainly not marrying Mr. S for his looks, but I would like to continue to find him attractive over the years, and vice versa, I'm sure. I don't think it's just about maintaining your weight or appearance, though; it's about continuing to treat each other as special (getting dressed up once in awhile) and wanting to be your best for each other (staying in somewhat decent shape). If one of us stops wanting to do that, there might be other problems that need to be addressed.
I think it's unreasonable to expect people to spend lots of time primping and preening for their mate for an entire lifetime.
However, I think for yourself, and your own self-esteem, you should invest in your 'upkeep'. Take good care of yourself and feel good about yourself. (I think feeling good about yourself might be even more important than actually looking good!)
Some changes are inevitable- wrinkles, middle-age spread, gray hair, saggy boobs, etc- or may be out of one's control (due to medical reasons for instance), so in that respect, I think you should love your partner unconditionally.
However, maintaining a base level of hygiene and presentability isn't too much to ask of one another.
I want to take care of myself FOR myself first and foremost but I think it's very important to take care of yourself for your partner as well. I don't think it's reasonable to expect your partner to still be attracted to you when you don't do anything to take care of yourself simply becuase you are married. If my fiance gained a good amount of weight, I'm sorry to say I would have a hard time being attracted to him and vice versa. I have friends who once they got married gained weight, stopped getting their hair done and they say well why should I, I'm married. Makes no sense to me.
Well, I don't agree in a Stepford Wife sort of way, but I do agree. Mostly, though, I agree from a health standpoint. My husband wasn't working out at all, or maybe 1x/mo. This isn't just about looks, this is about the health of DH who is the future father of my children. So, I finally got him to agree to an activity. (He was a no go on a gym membership but now loves Pilates.) His body is slightly more toned, but I think it's also nice to have the extra energy and an activity to do together.
I don't think it's just about weight, though. My wedding weight is not easily maintainable, and my hubby wouldn't WANT me to be that weight. Not that he was unattracted to me, but he likes for us to indulge in dessert together when we go out, etc., and I wasn't eating ANY naughty food leading up to the wedding. Even though I'm now "overweight", my heart and blood work all check out marvelously, and he LOVES the extra curves I get when I have on my "normal" extra ~15 pounds.
Most of it depends on the couple. If you dress up every day before marriage, then wear sweats every day after, that could be a problem. If you have a hubby like me, though, that doesn't mind hairy legs or days w/o makeup, then go for it! It's more a matter of preference and priorities.
The two statements you presented are not opposites, so I couldn't pick one. Yes, partners should love each other unconditionally, but nobody has an obligation to maintain their appearance in their marriage. One should make an effort because they want to, not because they have to. And someone shouldn't let themselves go just because they can.
i think it has to be a mix of the two. obviously it isn't fair to let yourself go entirely and each partner should work to maintain physical attractiveness. that said, things happen and marriage is forever (ideally). it is extremely important to value your partner regardless so long as he (or she!) is healthy and contributing in a positive way to the future of the relationship.
I think partners should love unconditionally but I think it's important to keep yourself up for your spouse and for your self. Yes they'll be plenty of times in sweats and t-shirts but I don't think it should be all the time.
When people are dating, they get dressed up to go out and whatnot so I feel like they still have an obligation to look nice at least on some occasions because that is what you first put out there.
I think, if you don't do it, someone else will. Men are very sexual creatures by nature so you can't go rough all the time.
While looks & appearance are definately NOT the basis for marrying someone, I do think that people should put as much effort into maintaining their physical appearance after marriage as they did before if at all possible. The factors that affect our physical appearance that are within our control should definately still remain within our control (exercise, portion control, hygeine, etc), although naturally as we get older we become more & more at the mercy of mother nature & father time lol. We can't do a whole lot about wrinkles, vericose veins, gray hair, etc but we CAN make sure that we don't balloon up to 400 lbs just because we are comfortable & married :P
Anyways, just my thoughts...
Mr. KM recently lost 40 pounds, without any help or guidance from me. And while he wears his new weight very well, it honestly doesn't make me love him any more, or any less. He's thin now, but he doesn't exercise, which really bothers me. It's important to his health that he lost the weight, but it's also important that he exercises.
My weight fluctuates like none other, but Mr. KM loves me no matter what. But I still want to try my best.
Wow what a great question.
I answered that partners should love each other unconditionally because I believe that they should but at the same time I don't really think that is realistic.
I personally have always been a sweatpants (I have now graduated to yoga pants ;-)) kinda girl and my hair is usually up with minimal make-up so that is not an issue for us; however, I know that when I am happy with my appearance I am initiate more and the FI really likes that and I am probably more outgoing when I am more confident in my body.
I don't necessarily think it is a necessity to maintain your wedding weight (this may not be doable after pregnancy etc.) but I do think it is important to keep your fitness levels the same as when people change their lifestyles their priorities may no longer be the same as their partners! And I think it is important to maintain your confidence levels to maintain your sex life.
I think partners should love each other no matter what. Its acceptable to be concerned with your partner's health, but its sort of ridiculous to me to expect him to maintain a certain physiqueor something or vice versa.
I think its important that you maintain a certain level of your looks & health throughout your relationship. I'll touch up my makeup before my FI comes home from work & I always try to look decent around the house (meaning I wouldn't be embarrassed if I ran into someone wearing it lol).
I think its important to always present your best self whether you're with your mate or just running to the store. :)
My FI gained a lot of weight over the last 3 years & he's back to his weight when we first started dating. I'm a lot more attracted to him & in awe of his willpower and drive. When he gained weight, I didn't love him any less, but there were noticeable changes in him that frustrated me. He didn't want to go out as often, his self esteem took a nose dive, he'd always complain about how "fat" he was, etc.
Now he looks good, he feels better & his self esteem is back... I couldn't be happier :)
I'm less concerned about physical appearance and more concerned about health. I adore my fiance just as much when he's freshly woken up and unshowered as I do when we're dressed up fancy clothes, ready to go to a nice restaurant. But we go to the gym 5-6 times a week and work our asses off, and I expect that to continue long-term. And while we occasionally cheat, we try to not go buck-wild for the majority of our meals. I'm staying healthy for me, but also for him - both of us want the other to live forever.
Its important to maintain not just your physical attractiveness, but more importantly, you physical (and mental) health. If you or your husband are overweight its more than just an attractiveness factor. You are putting yourself at risk for heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, heart attacks, ETC. So I DO think you have an obligation to maintain your health so that you and your partner can live a long and healthy life together. At the same time, people will gain weight over the years and you cant just walk away because someone has changed in appearance. BUT if it is causing problems I think the couple should be open and honest about it. My fiance needs to lose about 30 lbs. I still love him and I am still attracted to him, but if he loses 30 lbs Im not going to be able to keep my hands off of him!!!! I think you are doing you and your partner a favor if you keep yourself looking your best. Fiance just started doing P90X and after 1 week I can already see a small difference. Im excited to see the results!!!
I agree with previous comments that a lot of it has to do with health. If my partner is unhealthy and not making good lifestyle choices, I'm going to be more worried about them than attracted to them. Also, given that I tend to be kind of obsessive about weight and health, it would be really unattractive to me if my partner was making those kind of choices--like eating fast food every day--whether or not it's negatively affecting their health (if they're not overweight, for example).
I do think that each person should take pride in themselves and their own appearance. That confidence makes that person more attractive, so by boosting your own self-esteem, you're going to have a positive impact on your relationship with your partner. One of the things I worry about when I get pregnant and eventually gain a whole bunch of weight is not so much that my FI won't find me attractive, but that I won't feel attractive, which is a much bigger problem IMO.
Is it bad that I hang out in sweatpants with no makeup now? haha. I voted "other" because there was no "both" option. I think that we should love each other unconditionally regardless of looks-- although hygiene is a sticking point. :) That being said... love and attraction are not the same thing. I will work to look good throughout my marriage because I want my husband to be attracted to me.
If you gain a few during the holidays and have trouble getting it off right away that's one thing, but really, it's not good for anyone to just let yourself go. I wouldn't love my husband less if he started growing his hair out like a hobo, but i'd appreciate it if he got his hair trimmed every month, you know what I mean? Just like when I have a super lazy day and roll into work just in time - I'll hurry home a bit to put on some matching clothes and brush my hair before he gets home. I think it shows respect for your partner and for yourself to take pride in your appearance and like hilsy said, it boosts your own self esteem which is good for your partnership.
I think it's good to make a reasonable effort to remain attractive to each other. AND healthy. I know if DH weighed like, 300 pounds, I wouldn't be attracted to him. I've dated heavy guys and it ALWAYS gets to me. He may be funny and sweet, still, but I would lose interest in him. He'd be more like a friend-husband, not a husband who's sexy and who I want to jump on. If he got all dishelved and stopped taking care of himself, yeah, it'd be a turn off! Same for me. I wouldn't be attractive if i stopped doing my hair, working out, all that kind of stuff. I'm still me, but I know I'd lose a certain appeal. I'm completely comfortable in sweat pants and a sweatshirt, but I also get depressed when I get chunky. And that affects our relationship. I'm not confident, I hide in my clothes, and I feel lazy. I am not happy with ME when i get too big. I don't feel sexy, I don't want him to touch me, etc. To an extent, yes, i will gain some weight in our marriage. Will i ever weigh 250 pounds? No way. I hate when I get weak, too, from not lifting weights.
I think if DH let himself go too much, I'd lose respect for him. I don't respect people who don't take care of themselves at all. I'd start thinking he was a slob and lazy and all he did was sit around on his butt watching TV, never taking the time to shave nicely or make sure his pants weren't nasty with holes in them. If i wanted a bum for a husband, I had plenty of opportunities to marry the ones I've dated, haha.
I also definitely think that hanging out in sweatpants/schlumpy clothes shouldn't have an effect on how attractive you find each other (as long as it's not all day, every day!). My FI loves me more without makeup, in one of his T-shirts, than when I get all dolled up with a fully made-up face (or so he says at least 
). I know that while I definitely might be more apt to want to jump him when he's in a suit or dressed up, the moments when I look at him and want to melt are usually when he's in his jammies snuggling with me on the couch.
I believe that partners should love each other conditionally, but there is a limit. If health was involved, I would definitely see why it would be important.
My husband and I are a very comfortable couple. I can only recall a couple of days when I dressed up, and none of them were for him specifically. I prefer jeans and t-shirts to skirts and dresses. I'm a no makeup kind of girl, and I believe he's only seen me wear makeup on our wedding day and at my best friend's wedding, and that was only because I was her MOH.
I didn't even go on a diet for the wedding, because I didn't find it important for me personally. There were only 2 months in-between finding my dress and the wedding date, so I never thought it would be an issue.
But if it ever did become as issue, such as after the baby gets here, yes, I would try to lose the weight.
I think it is disrespectful of a relationship to "let oneself go." We can't expect eachother to look 21 forever, but giving up on one's looks just because of relationship security is unnacceptable, from men and women.
I am not unrealistic or crazy. My FI is disabled, and when he has gone through periods when he has lost mobility, he has gained weight. Of course I will stand by him through that. He still shows respect for the romantic flame in our relationship through other means, such as dressing up for me and regularly taking me out, even at times when he can barely walk.
Ultimately, it isn't our weight or looks that really matter, it is the respect and effort we put into remaining attractive for our partners, physically and emotionally. Attractiveness follows where care is paid.
I think it's important to try to remain healthy and attractive to one another. However, I don't mean that I think that I should always have to wear makeup and dress nicely all the time. FI constantly tells me that his favorite outfit on me is jeans and a t-shirt with as little makeup as possible.
When I think of "letting oneself go" I think more of things like not trying to maintain a healthy weight, not showering for a few days (gross, but I think it falls into that category, haha!), and completely not doing ANYTHING to take care of yourself. I think it's very important to maintain some sort of self care/exercise...and to be honest, I don't just do it for FI - I do it for myself! I don't feel like "me" at all if I spend a whole day in my pjs without doing any sort of grooming or anything. I have to at least wash my face, brush my teeth, brush my hair, etc. in order to even feel like myself. So yes, I think that it's important for your relationship, but for me, it's also important for my sanity! :-)
This hits close to home for me. I've been with FI for only about 3 years, and we have both changed quite a bit appearance-wise. While I've put on a few pounds, I never was a huge exercise fan, and I'm still very thin. But he has gained about 20 pounds and has stopped working out.
While I love him regardless of his weight and appearance, I find that he's let HIMSELF go. I still put makeup on occasionally and try to maintain myself pretty well. I just worry about his health and his own self concept.
I don't believe that you should have to maintain appearance perfectly throughout a marriage, but everyone should definately still make an effort, at least for their own self esteem.
I think people should take of themselves wether or not they're in a relationship.I love FI regardless of what he looks like and I know he feels the same about me. You should love yourself enough to take of yourself so you can be healthy and just be happy with yourself all around
i think it depends on the couple, and i think health should def come first. if your partner is being unhealthy, and it begins to negatively affect their self esteem, self worth and general happiness, that's problematic. i've certainly yo-yo'd a bit over my 4 year relationship, but i think we are both conscious (me more than him probably) about how we look and our overall health and fitness. but at the end of the day, i feel that you should support each other no matter what.
I think you both need to try to keep yourself up the best you can, but you should love each other no matter what.
wow. this almost exact same topic came up on the low-carb weight loss board I'm on!
Here is my answer to this question...being someone who is extremely concious of how I look and what I eat/how I treat my body - I almost think it's "selfish" for someone to "let themselves go" just because they are married.
I know that a lot of people may think that your husband and/or wife should love you "unconditionally - no matter what" - but that's not true. A PARENT or GRANDPARENT really is the only unconditional love out there.
When DH and I got together - a lot of it (to begin with) was physical attraction. I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with trying to keep that attraction up and if that means being extremely careful of what I eat as to not gain weight and become un-attractive in his (or my own) eyes, then so be it. The physical attraction between two partners is what usually brings them together in the first place. If I were to "let myself go" and stop taking care of myself, physically, it would also drain on my own emotions - as I wouldn't be happy with myself and of course that trickles down to many other aspects of life.
So yes - i am of the set mind that one should "keep physically fit and attractive for your partner". I know some people would not agree with me that that is important - but for me, it is.
Now, I'm not saying that if a partner were to gain an incredible amount of weight and/or "let themselves go" that the other parter has any right to stop loving that person...but again - I believe that taking care of oneself PHYSICALLY also has a lot to do with taking care of themselves emotionally and spirtually - and it's the point of "taking care of oneself" that is important. But to me, honestly, it's almost a bit selfish to get to that point where one stops taking care of themselves.
And I totally think there's a difference between me being in my sweats on a saturday morning, no makeup, no shower, just "lounging around the house" and me giving into all temptations as far as stopping exercising, stopping eating right, stopping good hygene, stopping cleaning the house and pretty much becoming a slob all together. When that happens, there's some other issues at hand...
I think you have to love each other unconditionally, but that doesn't mean you can let yourself balloon to a thousand pounds. It's important to stay physically attracted to and attractive to your mate. I'm having this issue right now - I hate the way I look right now and it's making me not want to have sex, which is not healthy for a relationship in the long term. So, yes, I do think for a successful relationship, both parties should keep themselves healthy and fit and make an effort to make themselves attractive for their partner. Am I gonna wear makeup every single day of my life? No, and FI wouldn't want me to. Am I giving up my weekend and evening sweatpants? Hell no! But FI wouldn't want me to. It's ultimately I think about health, longevity, and keeping the spark alive.
I think its very important to maintain your physical attractiveness for eachother. Men are very visual its just the way they are and of course they like it when their spouse keeps up her appearance. My Fi and I are comfortable around eachother in our Pj and of course I am around him alot in no makeup. Still I like to get dressed up when we go out and and workout and eat healthy to stay in shape. I did this before I even met him though I do it for my own self esteem. If your self esteem is bad of course its going to be hard to have a healthy relationship. I know this was a big problem for my parents. Its important to love eachother unconditionally for things other than looks, but I think its very important to maintain yourself to keep eachother attracted over the years together. Ive heard a lot of married men complain about their wife letting themselves going after getting married.
First and foremost, unconditional love will always be more important than 75 excess pounds, stretch marks, sweat pants, whatever. Love is most important.
That being said, I think that 'letting yourself go' is a sign that something is wrong, with the person's attitude, confidence, motivation, etc. Maybe not a major thing, but I would look to see why the person is letting themself go before I tell them they need to lose X amounts of pounds and wear sexy underwear again. Is it unhealthy? Is it burnout? Is it cyclical?
I'd hope that my SO would understand if I went through a period where I wasn't at my best--say, after having a baby--and would push me to take care of myself I was feeling lazy or depressed.
I agree with Spaniel that both are important, and two sides of one coin. I often don't wear makeup around FI, and a lot of times my legs are a little prickly. But he actually loves when I'm in "my comfy clothes" and relaxed because to him it symbolizes our commitment. We are comfortable enough with each other and the permanence of our relationship that we can just be ourselves and know we'll still be just as loved.
Still, I think part of loving your partner is wanting them to be attracted to you. Just as you might cook your SO's favorite meal for him, or do something sexually you know will really please him, making yourself physically attractive -- not just generally, but a way you know he'll appreciate -- is just another way you can make effort to make your partner happy. That's how I feel about it.
I also think what Minutiae said about letting yourself go being a sign that something is wrong is totally on point. I am pretty low maintenance but I still pay attention to personal hygiene and when I get out of the house, I like to wear decent clothes. I like to get cleaned up - makeup, cute clothes, hair done - at least once every couple of weeks, just to have that boost of confidence. But I don't do that for FI, its for ME. I think if you just give up on how you present yourself, not really to FI but to the world, that's a sign of poor self-esteem and lack of motivation. I think that's the problem with a lot of middle-aged women - their bodies change and they think its not worth the effort anymore. It can cause problems in marriage, but I think the problem is personal.
I think that it's important to maintain me...FOR me. My hair and my nails and my eyebrows must be on point at all times...LOL. If I let any of those things go, FI will comment b/c he knows something must be wrong b/c these are things that I am anal about. By the same token, I love the fact that my FI keeps his hair cut nicely and his face nice and trimmed. Sometimes when he is working from home for a while he will get the scruffy look which I think is hella sexy too....mainly b/c it doesn't happen that often.
As far as weight, I am plus-sized now and have been our whole relationship, so it would be an issue for me if FI starts harping on weight now....after 3 years. On the flip side...he is naturally slender but can get a chubby face when he isn't working out. We have had this very discussion about letting yourself go...and we both agree that as long as we both are making a concerted effort to help each other stay looking and feeling good...then regardless of weight...we are golden.
Plus...I have found that we do a much better job of eating healthy and staying active if we BOTH commit to it...otherwise we tend to sabotage each other. Hard to eat healthy if your other half is chowing down on a cheeseburger =)
I think that being married is no excuse to "let yourself go". First of all, I want to be healthy and attractive for me, but secondly, for my husband. When somebody lets themselves go, in my opinion, they are declaring to the world that they don't care enough about themselves to take care of the body they've been given. Is it fair to expect your SO to care more about yourself than you do? Also, I love myself and my husband enough to take good care of my body so that I will (hopefully) be around for a long time... I expect the same from my husband.
I do believe in loving one another unconditionally, but being required to find the other person attractive regardless of appearance and personal hygiene? Not so much.
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