Post # 1
I was reading something interesting on Discovery Health’s website about sex and marriage, and one of the tips at the end of the article, “keep physically fit and attractive for your partner” made me curious about your opinion on the relative importance (or not) of maintaining your weight and appearance for your partner. I can see how this might rankle some people because it could be construed as harkening back to a sort of Stepford Wife expectation, but I also think there’s a huge piece of it that’s about respect – for yourself and for your partner. What do you all think about what’s happening when someone is said to have “let herself go”? Is it realistic to try to maintain your wedding weight throughout the marriage, do you see it as inevitable that with the demands on modern women you’ll be unable to keep things up as they are now, or are you already comfortable hanging out in sweat pants and no make-up, and this works just great for you as a couple?
I’m especially curious about this because my own mother recently admitted to me that my father continually encouraged her to go out and buy some nice clothes for herself, which she saw as a waste of money and time but now realizes was his way of saying, “please make more of an effort.” He ended up leaving her after twenty years of marriage, so I’m thinking hard about what this all means.
Post # 3
I think it is good to appreciate each other beyond appearances. My husband loves being with me when I’m in sweatpants and comfy clothes. I think that we are focusing more on staying healthy for each other. We want each other to be in shape and eat healthy because it is better for us than being lazy couch potatoes that eat junk food all the time. So it’s not like I have to keep up a trophy wife status, but I would like to try to stay healthy for him so we can be together for a long time.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club
@amariem25 – I agree with you. We’re fine with each other in comfy clothes on the couch.
We’ve both gained some weight since we started dating almost 3 years ago, but now that our wedding is getting closer, we both want to get healthier. Hopefully some of the workout habits and eating less junk food will continue into the marriage so we can have more years together in the long run.
Post # 5
i think that yes you should love your partner unconditionally, HOWEVER, it really is important to take care of yourself health wise in order to make sure you are there in those old years. its out of respect for yourself and for your spouse. and the same goes for the guy.
basically love each other no matter what, but we should all strive to maintain a healthy weight and eat right, etc. out of necessity and what is just right to do.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I think both are important, actually. I’m certainly not marrying Mr. S for his looks, but I would like to continue to find him attractive over the years, and vice versa, I’m sure. I don’t think it’s just about maintaining your weight or appearance, though; it’s about continuing to treat each other as special (getting dressed up once in awhile) and wanting to be your best for each other (staying in somewhat decent shape). If one of us stops wanting to do that, there might be other problems that need to be addressed.
Post # 7
I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to spend lots of time primping and preening for their mate for an entire lifetime.
However, I think for yourself, and your own self-esteem, you should invest in your ‘upkeep’. Take good care of yourself and feel good about yourself. (I think feeling good about yourself might be even more important than actually looking good!)
Some changes are inevitable- wrinkles, middle-age spread, gray hair, saggy boobs, etc- or may be out of one’s control (due to medical reasons for instance), so in that respect, I think you should love your partner unconditionally.
However, maintaining a base level of hygiene and presentability isn’t too much to ask of one another.
Post # 8
I want to take care of myself FOR myself first and foremost but I think it’s very important to take care of yourself for your partner as well. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your partner to still be attracted to you when you don’t do anything to take care of yourself simply becuase you are married. If my fiance gained a good amount of weight, I’m sorry to say I would have a hard time being attracted to him and vice versa. I have friends who once they got married gained weight, stopped getting their hair done and they say well why should I, I’m married. Makes no sense to me.
Post # 9
Well, I don’t agree in a Stepford Wife sort of way, but I do agree. Mostly, though, I agree from a health standpoint. My husband wasn’t working out at all, or maybe 1x/mo. This isn’t just about looks, this is about the health of DH who is the future father of my children. So, I finally got him to agree to an activity. (He was a no go on a gym membership but now loves Pilates.) His body is slightly more toned, but I think it’s also nice to have the extra energy and an activity to do together.
I don’t think it’s just about weight, though. My wedding weight is not easily maintainable, and my hubby wouldn’t WANT me to be that weight. Not that he was unattracted to me, but he likes for us to indulge in dessert together when we go out, etc., and I wasn’t eating ANY naughty food leading up to the wedding. Even though I’m now “overweight”, my heart and blood work all check out marvelously, and he LOVES the extra curves I get when I have on my “normal” extra ~15 pounds.
Most of it depends on the couple. If you dress up every day before marriage, then wear sweats every day after, that could be a problem. If you have a hubby like me, though, that doesn’t mind hairy legs or days w/o makeup, then go for it! It’s more a matter of preference and priorities.
Post # 10
The two statements you presented are not opposites, so I couldn’t pick one. Yes, partners should love each other unconditionally, but nobody has an obligation to maintain their appearance in their marriage. One should make an effort because they want to, not because they have to. And someone shouldn’t let themselves go just because they can.
Post # 11
i think it has to be a mix of the two. obviously it isn’t fair to let yourself go entirely and each partner should work to maintain physical attractiveness. that said, things happen and marriage is forever (ideally). it is extremely important to value your partner regardless so long as he (or she!) is healthy and contributing in a positive way to the future of the relationship.
Post # 12
I think partners should love unconditionally but I think it’s important to keep yourself up for your spouse and for your self. Yes they’ll be plenty of times in sweats and t-shirts but I don’t think it should be all the time.
When people are dating, they get dressed up to go out and whatnot so I feel like they still have an obligation to look nice at least on some occasions because that is what you first put out there.
I think, if you don’t do it, someone else will. Men are very sexual creatures by nature so you can’t go rough all the time.
Post # 13
While looks & appearance are definately NOT the basis for marrying someone, I do think that people should put as much effort into maintaining their physical appearance after marriage as they did before if at all possible. The factors that affect our physical appearance that are within our control should definately still remain within our control (exercise, portion control, hygeine, etc), although naturally as we get older we become more & more at the mercy of mother nature & father time lol. We can’t do a whole lot about wrinkles, vericose veins, gray hair, etc but we CAN make sure that we don’t balloon up to 400 lbs just because we are comfortable & married 😛
Anyways, just my thoughts…
Post # 14
Mr. KM recently lost 40 pounds, without any help or guidance from me. And while he wears his new weight very well, it honestly doesn’t make me love him any more, or any less. He’s thin now, but he doesn’t exercise, which really bothers me. It’s important to his health that he lost the weight, but it’s also important that he exercises.
My weight fluctuates like none other, but Mr. KM loves me no matter what. But I still want to try my best.
Post # 15
Wow what a great question.
I answered that partners should love each other unconditionally because I believe that they should but at the same time I don’t really think that is realistic.
I personally have always been a sweatpants (I have now graduated to yoga pants ;-)) kinda girl and my hair is usually up with minimal make-up so that is not an issue for us; however, I know that when I am happy with my appearance I am initiate more and the FI really likes that and I am probably more outgoing when I am more confident in my body.
I don’t necessarily think it is a necessity to maintain your wedding weight (this may not be doable after pregnancy etc.) but I do think it is important to keep your fitness levels the same as when people change their lifestyles their priorities may no longer be the same as their partners! And I think it is important to maintain your confidence levels to maintain your sex life.
Post # 16
It’s awesome to hear all your thoughts on this!