Post # 1
As follow up from my post a few days ago -“Doubts, anyone?”…
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.. and worrying. I tend to overthink, which is why I am glad I discovered this site. No matter what, I know I love my Fiance. But things have just become so bad between us. I’m constantly annoyed.. he is unemployed and after a long day at work, I come home to things NOT being done (i.e. dishes, getting the mail, etc.). I work 10 hrs a day and as soon as I walk in the door, it’s like “big brother” in the house – he wants to have sex, and be all on me.. and know who I’m talking to on the phone… etc. and I’m tired, and then def. not in the mood after I realize that the few things I asked him to do during the day weren’t done. He is miserable with himself, and I am starting to not empathize because he is becoming lazier by the day, not making applying to jobs a focus.
Now of course I’m freaking out and having second thoughts. But then I think about the quote from the movie The Mexican.. and suddenly find myself telling myself that everything will be OK. So, Bees… what are your thoughts?
“If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?” – the answer in the movie is “You don’t”
Hmmm… do we agree?
Post # 3
First of all, I can completely relate to you’re referencing movies. I do that ALL the time. But sometimes my friends have to tell me that it’s a movie, not real life.
It sounds like, while you may really love him, he might not be on the same level as you- maturity wise. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?
In his defense, I imagine he probably follows you around because he’s bored! I’m sure he misses you and since he doesn’t do much when you’re working, you probably seem pretty exciting to him 🙂 Granted, I am sure you feel that if he was working this wouldn’t be the case!
All in all, this is obviously a personal decision but I just wanted to give you and outsiders perspective! Also, I think he should get a job too 😉
Post # 4
I’m an overthinker too, so I hear ya!
Have you talked to him about all of this? I imagine he is probably somewhat defensive. Maybe you could help him look for available jobs? Is he actively looking, or just enjoying his time off?
I would say that if he is unwilling to actually look for a job, then you guys should probably have a long discussion. Maybe you could benefit from talking to a couples counselor. In my opinion, love isn’t always enough to make things work. Relationships take a lot of work, compromise and growth. My personal philosophy is that love is the catalyst for these things, but love alone can’t accomplish them.
Post # 5
Fellow overthinker here. I am not sure if I agree with that quote. I would like to, but I just don’t think I believe in “love” enough. This is going to sound kind of terrible, but I don’t know if I believe in the objective unconditional version of love (hey, Freud didn’t either, not that this is a good thing). I have never experienced it, and I try to learn from Fiance, but it is hard to just learn that and accept it. And that makes it really hard to believe that simply loving each other is enough to excuse everything else because sometimes, enough really is enough. I just don’t know how one finds the “enough” line.
Moving past the philosophy — that is a tough situation. On one hand, I am kind of like your Fiance. When something is going wrong, I am completely unmotivated about other things. When I am off a schedule, even just going to the store seems like too much of a chore so I don’t bother doing anything at all. I think it might have some roots in depression. I can definitely understand your frustration, though. It might help to get him on a schedule. Make him get out of the house. Maybe talk to him about setting up a schedule where he has to get up and get dressed and get out of the house and apply for X number of jobs a day. Because usually, once I get started or get out for one thing, everything else is not as big a deal. Good luck.
Post # 6
My dad doesn’t work plus he isn’t a housewife, so my mom works all day (defending criminals as a lawyer) then comes home, cleans, walks the dogs, etc. And my dad is a total slob to top it off, whereas my mom is a clean freak. Anyway, that sort of thing is a real hang up for me because it has caused so many issues for my parents. I know they love each other, and they’re still together, but sometimes it looks really painful for my mom. Counseling sounds like a really good idea.
Post # 7
@beth1125: Totally! LOVE quoting movies! And yes, we talk all the time about how I feel. Our communication is actually pretty good – just nothing happens after we talk. I call it the “say:do” ratio – he tells me he understands me and that he is going to help out around the house more, etc., but then he doesn’t do it. I’d rather him tell me that he won’t lift a finger than tell me he understands and agrees, but doesn’t follow through, you know what I mean? Frustrating.
@blueshoes2: I have def. helped him look for jobs. I redid his resume. I forward jobs to him all the time during my lunchtime. He applies to jobs, don’t get me wrong – it’s just at the bare minimum. He doesn’t see it being a problem because we make things work financially, etc. But, I’m thinking long-term, ya know? I want a baby in the near future and I don’t see that happening given the current situation that we’re in. He hangs around the house all day, watching TV, selling crap on eBay, on FB, etc. It’s frustrating. And he won’t even think about getting a job outside his field! He is stubborn, and thinks that because he went to school for a particular degree, he should only work in that area.
@amaryllis: Thank you for your words. Yes, I tried to encourage him to set a mini-goal, like for ex. applying to 5 jobs a day. But he then just saw that as controlling him, and me not trusting him. He turned it into a personal attack towards him. Ugh! Men!
@rachelss: Thanks for sharing your experience. I can see my Fiance and I assuming similar roles to your parents, and I appreciate your perspective from the child’s view. Counseling is def. on the radar. I love him with all my heart and want the best for him, and I’m thinking that counseling might be the best move.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I guess I just need to think about whether or not I am overreacting to the situation or enabling it.. perhaps a bit of both? Hmm.
Post # 8
This will sound bad…but, read the book “Don’t Shoot the Dog”, which is about animal behavior, but also applies to people. It explains strategies for why animals (and people) respond to particular behaviors (such as anger, punishment, and rewards) the way we do. For example, you should “reward” any move on FI’s part to get a job. Go way over the top on this. But, ignore Fiance whenever he’s doing something you don’t like, such as following you around the house. I know he’s miserable but you don’t want to make him feel like he gets your attention because he’s miserable. If he goes in the kitchen and starts cooking dinner then you can join him and tell him how great he is. If he cleans the bedroom…well, you can figure that one out. It’s totally manipulative, but everything we do is manipulative.
Post # 9
Thanks, rachelss! Good advice!