Thoughts on sending a pre-RSVP "gentle reminder" email

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I send a reminder message to my half of the guest list?
    Absolutely not. People are grown, they know how to RSVP : (83 votes)
    61 %
    Definitely. There's a lot at stake here! : (32 votes)
    23 %
    Well, it depends... : (19 votes)
    14 %
    I'm here for the poll :) : (3 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @Overjoyed:  I wouldn’t like it. You sent an invitation that had the deadline included. A wedding is a social event, not a work deadline, and I would feel like I was getting a prompt from my boss because I was late on a deliverable 😛

    You said to be honest, and that is how I would honestly feel. I understand you feel strapped for time but you chose the deadline and I assume you invited adults who should be able to be trusted to meet it. I get that people sometimes don’t, but I wouldn’t send emails before a deadline has even been missed.

    Post # 4
    4511 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    do not do it.

    Post # 5
    223 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I wouldn’t care. I sometimes need a nudge to remember things. Life is busy and I am as well. As long as it is not a scolding or badly worded “your late” reminder, wouldn’t bother me in the least. I had people who said things like “OH shit I forgot”. The reality is you know your audience best. In my guest list it would have went over fine. In someone else, probably not. Your going to get people on both sides here.

    Try adding a poll.

    Post # 6
    8847 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    Yeah I think it’s a little pushy. (I considered doing the same thing cause I need to know how many tables to rent but decided against it.)

    Why do you need so much time?  You’ll still have almost 2 months, and I think the recommended RSVP date is only 1 month before the wedding.  That’s what we did and I think it’ll be fine…

    Post # 7
    715 posts
    Busy bee

    It might not be the politest thing to do, but I think you can do it nicely, like you suggested with some other info … and the little reminder. 

    Post # 8
    1302 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Do not do it. Your rsvp deadline is already wayyy far in advance if September 28 is your real wedding date. Usually the rsvp deadline is 3-4 weeks out from the date of the wedding. But yes, I would not like receiving an email like that.

    Post # 9
    3570 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I just got one of these emails!   AND I WAS PISSED.  I sent back a snarky email saying that I had already mailed it, but that I thought I still had 10 days left to RSVP.

    Post # 10
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I would definitely not do this. If I got an email like this I’d be annoyed. I think it’s really rude when people specify an RSVP date and then get upset when people don’t respond right away. If you wanted people’s RSVPs before August 1 then you should have indicated that on the RSVP card. I totally understand that people who don’t RSVP are really annoying. I had to track down a bunch of people who basically refused to respond, and some people even decided to change their RSVP the week of the wedding. But cross that bridge if you get there and just focus on getting as many RSVPs as you can before August 1 without sending out a reminder. 

    Post # 13
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I did (AND I sent another 3 days after the deadline). Both me and FI sent emails to all those who didn’t send in their RSVP and to my knowledge no one was upset and it reminded those who hadn’t sent their in. Actually that’s when we got in a fairly large influx. Also, I didn’t want to assume that everyone received their invitiation — perhaps that’s why they hadn’t returned the RSVP.
    Our email read:

    Dear Invited Guests,
    We are anxiously awaiting our nuptials in August but until then we are awaiting your RSVP. We understand that the deadline is July 4th but sooner is always better than later.
    Please don’t consider this any pressure. If you are unable to attend we understand and you will be missed. We just don’t want you to forget to tell us. If you know you are coming please tell us because we can’t assume that a missing RSVP is a “yes”.
    If you have any questions or concerns (or worse, you don’t know what I’m talking about – as in you have not received your wedding invitation) please contact either of us and let us try to accommodate you.
    There’s more info on the website:

    If someone was offended, I guess they decided to decline our invitation…oh well.
    Good luck


    Post # 14
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think a lot of posters are right that it looks kind of bad to have a deadline and bug people before it, but on the other hand, you made a mistake and meant to have the deadline earlier.  I think if you wanted to you could say in an email that your invitation had an error in the RSVP date and if at all possible, you’d really appreciate people RSVPing as soon as possible.  Apologize for the error and inconvenience and add something like, “we’d love to have you there if you can attend” and I think people would take it fine.

    I just went through RSVP process and I waited until the deadline, and then followed up with people.  It worked fine for me, but I have a longer span before my final count is due.  It probably took a week or two to get most of the remaining RSVPs after the deadline.

    Also, we got very few RSVPs on our deadline or the day or two after (until I started to follow up with people).  So it wasn’t like people were waiting for the deadline or close to the deadline to respond.  Those people that hadn’t responded had either forgotten to send a response, misplaced their invite and forgot about it, or were just being rude and not responding.


    Post # 15
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Needing almost 2 months for a firm headcount is basically unheard of. I think you shouldn’t start doing the rounds of RSVP stragglers until the 2nd.

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