Post # 1
Okay, so a little background:
For those of you following my horrendously dramatic life you know the deal, for those of you who haven’t, long story short: Because of expectations from FILs, we are way over budget for our wedding (the budget being 35K from my dad and 5K from us).
We are in the process of trying to eliminate/shrink the guest list and scale back where we can.. but with our venue and location being where it is- this is harder to do than we thought.
My cousins were in visiting for our engagement party and suggested throwing a Stag and Doe. At first we had been toying with this idea, but FI thought it would be tacky as it is (in my understanding) just a wedding fundraiser. BUT, now that we seriously need some extra $ to have our wedding happen… he’s okay with it.
What do you guys think of stag & does? Are they okay? not so okay? Any other ideas?
As a side note: I have a cousin in the Philippines who needs a significant amount of $ for a kidney transplant, and I suggested to FI that if we do a stag and doe, we should send some portion of the $ over there to help out (since, you know, he needs a kidney more than we need a ridiculously priced wedding)… is that acceptable? or is that an issue all in itself? I graduated from Event Management so I could throw a fundraiser for that on its own….
Post # 3
I would be horrified to learn that I was funding someones wedding. I would keep the over budget part of things to myself and hope that my guests never found out.
Post # 4
I already know the response you are going to get from this I tend to agree with the hive even though I am from Ontario where Stag and Does are very common.
I personally believe that a wedding is not the time to fundraise. Fundraise for charities and non-profit organizations yes but your personal wedding NO!
I beleive that each couple should have a wedding that they can afford (40K is more than enough for a VERY nice wedding).
Asking strangers to come and fund your wedding is outright rude. And asking guests to fund your wedding, and attend and buy a gift for your shower, and attend bachelor/bachelorette parties, and travel, attend and buy you a gift for your wedding is also rude!
If I were you I would lay out the budget to your IL’s and tell them they you cannot afford all of their expectations and scale everything back to a party you can afford!
Post # 5
If they are done right you can make some money for the wedding. Usually enough to cover alcohol.
But i personally hate them. I dont want one but am being forced into it. They are extremely common in my area, pretty much everyone has one, but i can afford the wedding myself i dont need the stress to throw another event.
So…ya i dunno what to tell you lol.
Post # 6
wow you learn something new every day. i assumed stag and doe was another term for stag and hen do’s as we call them in the uk. where we get rather drunk and stupid but usually costs a small fortune for the bride and groom.
i personally agree with FMM. and the fact that your budget is 40k is between you, your FI and IL’s but i also agree thats a big amount of money already.
Post # 7
I have many friends who have had them, but we will not be having one.
I don’t agree with the idea of inviting people to a party that will fund my wedding. I *especially* don’t agree with the idea of inviting people to a party that will fund my wedding that are not invited to the actual wedding.
IMO, weddings are expensive enough for guests to attend, and I don’t need to inflate that cost.
Post # 8
I think you should have a wedding you can afford.
Post # 9
I would think about the people in your region/area. Is this normal for them? Do they attend other S&D’s? Do they even know what they are?
As I’ve posted about a few times on the boards, we have something called “Socials” around here and they are widely accepted. I’ve never heard anyone get so offended by the idea of them until I came here. I mean, DH and I were asked by several people when our social was and were kind of disappointed when they found out we weren’t having one (they are A LOT of extra work/planning on top of planning a wedding).
So if you are also in a region where they are common and accepted, I would definitely do it. If not, I would I think twice. The reality of it is, if you don’t get the crowds, you can lose money, or not make much. I’ve heard of (and been to one) social that failed miserably, and the couples either just made par or barely anything.
Post # 10
The fact that you have a family member in need of a kidney transplant should *even more* emphasize the fact that 40k is far more than two people need to get married. If I were in your shoes, I’d put 35k toward helping my cousin live longer and have a nice 5k wedding. Then I’d tell my in-laws to deal with it, because if they throw a fit over helping a family member whose life is so compromised, they REALLY need to re-prioritize things in their lives.
Post # 11
@MadameTussaud: I’m with you on that one, but unfortunately it is not just my wedding. We’re having a really hard time with FILs and my dad is talking to them tonight… but also FI kind of has this opinion that a wedding is only a wedding if…xyz.
@CherryWaves: SOCIALS, yes that’s the word my cousin used.
Post # 12
Wow, I feel really bad for you and your cousin in this. I don’t think I could spend all of that on a wedding, knowing that I had a family member who needed the money for an organ transplant. I’d be sitting down with my FI and having a serious talk about how two people can (and frequently do) get married for just a couple hundred dollars, and that I wouldn’t be able to wake up each day knowing that my cousin could have had all those thousands of dollars to help them prolong their life. I know my FI would be extremely supportive of this if it were my family member… maybe you should have a talk with your FI and tell him this is an important and serious situation.
If your in-laws are hassling you because you won’t spend enough on your wedding when you have a dying family member, then that tells you a LOT about their character.
Post # 13
@MadameTussaud: on the plus side, cousins are down to only needing 10K left… so I think I can squeeze that out of our budget.. (I only found out about this at my other cousins wedding on the weekend)
Post # 14
Stag and Does are a party I am use to aswell (yay for Ontario) but it really shoudldnt be to fund your wedding but to have a great party and maybe help out with your honeymoon. If you cant keep your wedding under 40 000$ there is a big problem especially if youve done event planning and know how to source good prices on everything. You can do one but really dont consider it a fundraiser but a good party for friends where they pay for there own booze.
Post # 15
I didn’t realise a stag and doe was a gift-giving affair. But like PPs say, I wouldn’t want to pay for your wedding. In fact, I’d be pretty offended. And, personally, I rarely give cash gifts; I like the gift giving process and picking something out.
ETA: I vote no if it’s intention is to fund your wedding.
Post # 16
That is so sad about your cousin!! I know you said things were resolved-ish with your fiance…can you give details? I think a lot of people are responding here without remembering the whole drama…!