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My FI is the kind of guy that keeps things to himself when he gets mad and everything builds up inside of him... Today we were going to a meeting at our venue with the decor lady and the wedding planner, he told me he totally forgot and he had to study a lot so he told me to go with my mom, then when I was getting ready he told me to ask the venue to give us the money back because he is not going to marry me, according to what he said and his attitude he seemed to know this was going to happen from a log time, like he knew he was not going to marry me but went along with the whole ting. We have a two year old daughter together, so I told him that if he doesn´t want to get married this has to end because that is just playing with me to be in a relationship and living together if he really does not want to be my husband, he told me that is fine, that he knew I was going to trow him out of the house someday. WTF?!?
(((HUGS))) Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! That is so horrible. I don't even know what to say other than I am so so sorry that you are having to deal with this and we are here for you!!
Wow. That was it? Have you asked him what brought this up? I'd contact a lawyer about custody of your daughter, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no..! I am so sorry your FI is doing this to you. I'd probably normally say you probably don't want to be with someone who keeps things to himself all the time and then break it to you when a lot has been invested and he was just "going along". That IS playing with your feelings and your life. A marriage is a partnership and he should be able to communicate and share with you his thoughts. BUT, you have a 2 year old daughter.. I don't know the details of your relationship but maybe, just maybe, he just got cold feet? I hope everything works out ok.. Big hugs to you!
Thanks, I actually went to the meeting and didn´t say a thing to my mom or to my wedding planner. I plan on waiting to see is he is serious... he really needs to get out of my house if he is, then I will call every body to see how much of the money we can get back (all of the wedding is being payed by my family so he didn´t put a penny in to this, not even for my engagement ring... how stupid am I)
I am so sad for you. You will figure everything out. Right now, just think about your daughter and your own well-being, and I'm glad you obviously have a family (since you said your mom was going to the venue with you) to support you through this tough time. It will be ok!
I am so sorry to hear that! That is a horrible thing for him to do! But I think that you are doing the right decision. If he doesn't appreciate you now, it seems he won't treat you well later. Be strong. And if you decide to end it, make sure to rely on your family to help you through it... and keep yourself busy.
HUGS!!!
You are so right JoonBee, I don´t want to marry someone like that
wow... sendings lots of hugs
has he had this kind of blowup before? has he actually made plans to move out or once things settle down he will think everything is ok
if its just a blowup and then he settles, he needs to discuss his coping methods because its totally unfair to you and your daughter - if he is moving out and its over.... tell yourself as bad as youre feeling - you WILL be ok
sending lots of hugs because i really dont know what else to say
If I know him right I think he probably will start a normal conversation tomorrow like nothing happened, or get really annoying like start fighting all day and wont let me do anything... I don´t know which one of this attitudes I hate the most... I am really not looking forward to tomorrow
Um, what?
That's so awful! That's the most hurtful thing he could say... was he angry & going for the jugular or are these his true feelings? You said he lets his feelings build up & then he explodes? So he's exploded before? How did you resolve your past issues?
After reading your update: if he acts like nothing has happened tomorrow you can't let this slide by. You have to get to the bottom of this-- your baby needs a stable future & life. He can't play these games.
I'm sorry this is going on right now... it might not help a whole lot, but we're all here to listen to you & support you :)
Even if he changes his mind and is not serious, I seriously consider what this means for your relationship. If he feels he can just nonchalantly tramp all over the future you were planning together, not to mention a huge event that means so much to you, your family, and friends, then he is really selfish and immature. Honestly, if he doesn't mean it, to me he is that much more selfish and immature. The decision to get married should not be thrown around like that. He obviously doesn't respect you, and from what you've shared - not paying for your E-ring, etc - you could find someone who appreciates you a lot more. I know its hard when you share a life, and you think - well, this is it, this is the person I'm going to be with because we have a history and a child and a home. But you aren't married yet, and I seriously think that's a good thing. I think you should move forward without him, regardless of what he says next week or next year.
So sorry to hear that you are going through such a heart-wrenching dilema. I hope you get the answers you need. Also, if you guys do work this out I really think that this man could greatly benefit from counseling to work on his communication skills, possibly even couples counseling. Best wishes.
I am so sorry to hear this Daniela (TONS OF HUGS) going your way!
Keep your chin up Daniela - I'm sure this is for the better! You are definitely better off without him if he is capable of doing this to you 3 months before your wedding! It'll take time but things will work out in the end!
Oh God I am so sorry! Better that this happens now than later when you are married and have even more on your plate. Don't worry you will be OK. Hugs!!
(((BIG HUGS))) I'm sorry he did that 3 months before your wedding. But it's better that he did it now, then when you're actually married. And if he does change his mind, RETHINK even marry him! He sounds like he has issues that he needs to take care of for himself, no need to drag you and your daughter! I wish you the best!
I am so sorry Daniela.
But good you found out now this guy has issues about marriage. I'm not sure why though. You two live together and he's a dad. He's already test-drove a marriage imho.
I'd schedule a session with either a counselor or your minister (or get a referral from your minister) and say that he can either go or not and that you have to know now if he is going to be in your life or not but he has to also know that he's the father of his child and that he has responsibilities to help raise that child.
If he says he will go to the counselor listen carefully and see what is really going on with him. Also listen to the suggestion of your counselor. He may be just getting wierd cold feet or something..or else there may be something more. I hope it's just that, wierd cold feet or last minute jitters.
Just protect yourself and your baby above all. If he chooses to not follow through and you have to exit the relationship with your child, make sure there is some legal proceedings underway to get this guy to secure child support as well as pay back monies owed your familiy due to the loss of the deposits for the wedding. Either way you make sure you and that child are taken care of and that he is made responsible.
That's so rough - big hugs are sent your way.
Like other posters have said, if this had to happen, it's better that it's happening now than after you get married. Not that that makes it any easier right now.
When he exploded before, was it about this same issue, or something completely different?
(((HUGS))) You've been given great advice and support. Just wanted to offer mine. I hope it works out - whether you two are meant to be together or not. You'll be in my thoughts
Sending good thoughts and *hugs* your way. This is a rough situation, and I hope it's resolved quickly! Keep us updated.
Wow my gosh!
If he is serious it sounds like he did you a favor cause he is a jerk and both you and your daughter do not deserve a half hearted husband/father. And if he is not.. you still do not deserve that abuse/mind games. Take a look at how you want your life to be in the next five years.. and then think about him in it... does it make it better or worse. Then you will have a decision to make.
This definatly sucks for you! Praying for you!!!
Good will come from this even though it doesn't seem like it right now.
Oh my goodness, this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
Be glad you know now that he doesn't intend on getting married, and just remember to do what's best for your daughter, throw your energy into that right now.
Good luck with everything and lots of [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]!!!!
((hugs Daniela)) i'm so sorry this has happened to you, but i'm sure that you'll decide what's best for you and your little girl.
Hugs to you. How awful!
My friend's FI called off their wedding 2 months before their wedding. She was devastated, but now realizes that she was lucky. She didn't want to be married to a man that couldn't or wouldn't communicate his feelings and she'd rather have a broken engagement than a divorce. Apparently he had some concerns about their marriage, but didn't feel the need to share them. Then he decided he didn't want to marry her and called things off.
That all being said, you and your exFI have a child together and therefore he will always be in your life. I'd talk to a lawyer immediately about custody issues and child support. And if he doesn't want to marry you, then kick him out of your house.
Good luck to you. I know this is hard, but stay strong. Things will work out for the best no matter what.
Good morning, bees. Thanks for all of the advice, we haven´t spoked to each other yet, he is just really quiet and kind of mad... he obviously realized that I don´t ask for the venue´s deposit back so I guess he thinks he can get away with all of this. The reason I think he is going to be back sooner or later is because we have broken up before and after makes huge decision he suddenly wanted a reconciliation, and I fell for that before... I am just asking God for stregnt to prevent all mean fights, but still to get him to know that he has to respect me.
Yo have all given me great advice, I want to try to do what bellenga said about inviting him to counseling or to really end the relationship.
The fact that there is so much money spent and a history of a break up is just going to make things even harder because our families are going to think that we are immature kids playing brake up again, and that we will reconcile soon and we don´t care about the money... but I feel different this time... I feel that I have lowered my standards way too much just because of our daughter and even though this is maybe just some kind of depression or crisis he is going trough, we just can´t be depending on his mood for everything to come apart.
I going to be hard, really hard, like the hardest think I have done to be tough enough making him know that he can´t disrespect me like this... I am just not an angry person so is hard for me to stay mad.
(wow, long post) I am going to suggest the counseling when ever we talk to each other again, which I think is going to be soon but I don´t want to rush it to prevent a bad fight.
o wow....im speechless. i'm so sorry hun. what a looser to hurt ur feelings this way! how dare he! he coulda had more respect for your feelings than that. he shoulda told you from the beginning and not have you going thru all this planning and getting excited. ugh...im disgusted!
you deserve being with someone who will treat you better. Either this guy seriously does some work to be that guy (through counseling) or you you need to move on....for your daughter's sake, you deserve to be treated better! you aren't doing her any favors by staying in a relationship where you are not respected - she will learn that from you and end up thinking its ok to be treated poorly when she grows up.
Lots of hugs!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know him but he sounds like he's just coming up with all these excuses--like any way to possibly get out of it. Maybe he's getting cold feet? Either way, what he said is absolutely cruel. No matter what happens, stay strong and surround yourself with friends, family, and bees! Whatever his insecurities are, he can't use your relationship as "ammo", he's got to find a better way or outlet to express himself. I think the counseling sounds like a great idea.
That sounds like a good plan to go to counseling, and don't worry about the wedding or the money, it's important to decide and work on your relationship first. You don't wanna commit your life to someone who will drop out whenever the going gets tough. You deserve better than that. Also, him just saying he's sorry or something shouldn't cut it, he needs to prove he wants to be your husband.
Hugs to you! It sounds like this has been a very tumultous relationship, and if you take yourself out of the equation and look at your child's welfare. Your daughter deserves a stable and loving home, not a man that is unsure, cruel, and cannot communicate in a healthy way.
You and your daughter deserve love, compassion, and a stable trusting relationship. I know its very hard right now, but when one door closes another one opens and you are closer to finding the love you deserve.
Huge hugs. I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope things work out for you and your daughter. Honestly, with the disregard he's shown for your feelings (multiple times) I think you can do better and find someone who truly deserves you. Best of luck and let us know how things go.
Oh dear, I am so sorry! Since you still have some time before the wedding, could you go talk to someone together so you get a better understand where he is coming from?
I know some guys aren't into counseling but I think it would be worth it to the both of you. It could be a case of the jitters and nerves can make you do/think CrAzY things!
Good luck, big hugs and keep us posted!
Thank you all for your hugs and words of encouragement!
Here is an update: We didn´t talk to each other all day, there was just one moment when I was in the bathroom and my mom called so when I came out he said some rude things about not being my secretary... I don´t see any indication that he is moving out any time soon, he just woke up, watched tv, waited for the breakfast and since I didn´t make him anything he went to the kitchen with a really bad mood and started slamming doors to get some corn flakes... I am really worried for all of the people involved in the wedding, the venue just rejected another couple that asked for our date, and my family from the US and from Venezuela are purchasing air tickets and gifts, I am also worried that if I wait to cancel I will loose the chance to return some of the stuff that I bought and haven´t even paid for...
I need your advice on this, should I wait a couple of days or should I satrt calling people to cancel? I was so close to call his mom right now... but I have just been very quiet because I don´t want to make things worst...
All I think is I need some confirmation from him to cancel everything, just in case he decides to change his mind (I know is not going to be that easy to forgive him, but you know what I mean), but then I think that I already gave him the cance to change his mind... and he didn´t...
I´m calling my mom to tell her to come home, if she does I think I´m going to tell her, the thing is my mom is realy explosive, not in an agresive way, she just takes action and is unstoppable when something like this happens.
seriously Daniella, you need to look at this man and say "are we going to talk about this? what are you going to do, what do you want to see happen?"
giving eachother the silent treatment is not going to achieve anything and what about your daughter - kids can tell when theres tension happening, do you want her raised in this environment?
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