Three weeks to our wedding and he has lied to me

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

He is a patholigical liar,if you can handle that he will lie to you for the rest of your life marry him. If not run!

Post # 4
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Uhhhh no.  Why do this to yourself and then potential children?  Homeboy needs a therapist, not a marriage.

Post # 6
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

I guess it depends what he is lying about…  Obviously, the first thing you mentioned is a big deal breaker, and a total no no.  However, I have a tendancy to fib about certain things small things from time to time.  For instance, my SO might ask me if I vaccumed my car and I will say yes, even though I didn’t so he won’t nag me about it anymore.  I’ve caught him doing it to me too when I’m nagging him.  Your FI is right sometimes, people do lie.  

However, we’ve never lied to eachother about anything big.  What kind of lies are you talking about here?  Is he lying abou little things every 2-3 months about small things like housework?  Or is he lying about spending 10K at a casino?  It’s all about scale.    

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@somethingblue20:  If you end the relationship now, you will be heartbroken. You’re right about that. If you end it after 20 years of marriage and a few kids, it will feel even worse. If you are already having doubts, you need to consider yourself and not worry about folks flying in or how anyone else will feel except you. The only person you are guaranteed to live with for the rest of your life is yourself. The rest of your life is a long time to be unhappy and live with suspicion.

Small lies or not, it bothers you and he knows it. He has almost lost you over it several times and yet the cycle still continues. People will only do what you let them get away with and he knows that after crying and apologizing things will be okay. Every 2 to 3 months you find out a lie – imagine all the lies he is getting away with. You didn’t provide many examples but the fact of the matter remains: if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything.

You can’t settle for good enough and make excuses to justify mistreatment. When someone lies, it’s for a reason and part of the reason is (obviously) to hide something.

Post # 8
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@somethingblue20:  Can you clarify, would you actually be upset if he told you the truth about these things? That is, woud texting with other girls or going away on a boys’ weekend bother you?

Post # 9
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m not sure I buy that lying is an addiction or sickness. I don’t understand it.

He’s making a conscious decision to do it. I assume he’s fairly normal in all other aspects of life. Lying means he has the intent to hide something. Does he get some sort of thrill out of lying?

That lie about the guy’s trip was unacceptable.

What kind of lies has he been telling? I am not a fan of any lies, but like if he hasn’t lied about anything close to as bad… I dunno. Is it something you can accept?

You say he doesn’t realize just how much this is bothering you. Have you told him you’re serious considering calling off the wedding?

 

Post # 10
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

“I know in my heart that I cannot turn a blind eye and have a happy life knowing that my husband is anything less but 100% honest with me.”


you know what you have to do – you have to end it and call off the wedding. this isn’t some trivial crap about did he stop off and have a beer after work etc. he’s had multiple sessions with trained professionals and the behaviour still isn’t changing – this is NOT going to stop. 


so in my opinion it doesn’t matter what he lied about (i say this because i imagine some posters will say ‘oh well, if you didn’t get mad he wouldn’t lie’ and i think that is BS). the point is, he has a serious lying problem that you have addressed repeatedly, he has attempted to solve repeatedly and it hasn’t improved. you know you can’t have the life you want or deserve with him – so i think you have to move on. it’s terrible – but true. 

Post # 12
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Normally I would say that you two need to talk it thorugh, but in this case I think you need to make the decision for yourself. You said that you are always swayed by his tears, so you need to have your mind made up before you approach him. If you are going to call of the wedding and leave, work out a place to stay and already have a bag ready to go. Sit him down and explain how you feel and why you can’t go on feeling that way for the rest of your life. Then leave and don’t answer his calls. Just take time for yourself or spend time with someone you can talk to. Don’t even think twice about all the people flying in for the wedding. Have someone else deal with it so that you can take the time to heal. 

Post # 13
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@somethingblue20:  OK… so from the first girl situation you mentioned, you said “after a huge arguement” he admitted she had contacted him a couple other times. 

This is my question: is your FI lying to you because he can’t help lying or is he lying to you because you are over-reacting to things? Obviously I don’t know the whole situation, but there might be another side to this story. Think long and hard about what YOU are doing in this relationship. 

Because here’s the thing… the best guys in the world sometimes tell small lies about thing. The best women do too. And when faced with a partner who will jump down my throat about small issues instead of letting me off the hook, I am more likely to tell a white lie to get out of the fight. White lies compound and become bigger lies. Yes, I might choose to tell those lies, but my partner would be choosing to corner me and not be supportive. 

Post # 14
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I could have written this post in the past. My ex lied and lied throughout our relationship.

First, I catch him in a lie. Then, I give him an opportunity to tell me the truth. He doesn’t. I give him 10 opportunities to be honest. He still doesn’t. Then, I tell him how I know that he is lying. At this point he admits to it but flips things around, either blaming it on me for cornering him (and my fault for getting upset) or minimizing it (didn’t remember, not a big deal). This upsets me so much, usually I end up crying and running out.” – I could have written this word for word. 

There came a point where I had to accept that it was a part of who he was. 98% of the the lies he told were “little white lies” which were dumb and I could not understand why he would lie about it. (like making a story greater than it actually was) The other 2% were not deal breakers by any means, but huge blows to our relationship. (looking at porn and then lying to me that he was when i SAW him doing it)

It was really hard. We didn’t divorce because of this, it was something I realized I would have to accept if I wanted to be with him. I never once questioned his faithfulness to me and knew he would have never cheated, it wasn’t those types of lies he was telling. 

I do have to say though, it was hard to ever trust him. There was trust that I knew he was going to work, he would never cheat, he wasn’t doing drugs, but trust like did the story really happen the way he said it did, wasn’t there. 

I honestly think that you FI needs counseling. In my case I think that my ex lied throughout his childhood to avoid getting in trouble mixed with abandoment/not being good enough issues molded him into the person he is. He isn’t a bad guy by any means, he just can’t help himself. 

I would tell him that he needs to commit to getting to the root of this problem. It will probably take months if not years of regular counseling to solve it, but I think it can change. If he is unwilling, then I would call the wedding off. I wouldn’t necessarly leave him, but I wouldn’t marry him knowing this about him. 

 

Post # 15
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

People who repeatedly lie are cowards who are too selfish/lazy/chicken to deal with the ramifications of their choices. It comes down to simply that. I think you deserve better. Do you?

Post # 16
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

Leave.

NOW.

He’s shown you that you cannot trust him. Cut your losses and run.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors