Time just ticking away….

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

You clearly need a talk about your timelines. IMHO he has no right to just shut the topic up without ever having at least ONE proper talk about it. This is what I hated most about waiting – it’s not only his decision, not only his relationship and not only his life. 

Sit down with him and make it very clear, that you want one honest talk about the issue. It’s not about ‘COME ON, MARRY ME!’, it’s about the fact that he generated expectations with him telling everybody you’re the one he wants to marry, it’s about waiting at a point where you cannot understand anymore what’s holding him back. And that’s a topic you have to be able to talk about in a relationship.

I got my SO to sit down with me when I told him that if he doesn’t explain to me why we wait, it’s possible that I’m going to propose myself to him, because I don’t see any reason to wait. 

This was followed by a very long, emotional talk, even a little heartbreaking, but it was so (!) important, because afterwards I understood what was holding him back and it made our relationship better. A lot better! There were a lot of serious questins coming up which, afterwards, we tried to work through and answer together. It made us a much better couple and it calmed me down a lot on the long term, moreover now I know, that we work as a team even if it comes to very very emotional topics. 

If he still refuses to talk to you anytime soon, you should probably think about ending the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should try to force him to propose to you, but you should be able to talk about expectations and doubts.

Post # 4
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Sunshine28 :  The better question is why are you allowing it to be  HIS decision entirely for “our right time”?!

He gets upset when you ask about it???… clearly his actions (lack of) say he does NOT want to marry you…

It would be MY “right time” to start making plans to move out/on…

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

1 Maybe he already considers you engaged?

2 would you stay if no engagement occurs? If you’d walk then you need a blunt conversation because he seems too laid back about it.

3 what info do you have about a potential ring? 

4 Does he understand the extent of wedding planning? 

Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Honestly, I don’t understand what his problem is. He said he wanted to marry you in front of the whole family (which takes a lot more guts as it makes him accountable as others know of his intentions) so I don’t get why he has such an issue with buying you a ring and proposing. Without throwing him under the bus, perhaps your SO thinks you want an expensive ring despite you giving no indication of such. All I can suggest is that you ask him what he consideres to be a suitable budget for a ring and ask that he go out and buy it and propose. You have honoured his culture and values. It is now time for him to honour yours. And if he can’t do something as simple as that then he quite clearly is not husband worthy material.

Post # 6
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

Have you specifically told him that you feel that you respected his culture and are questioning if he is taking your culture seriously. I would also enforce that you wanting to be proposed to is important to you and your culture and it is not just that you want what other women want. Tell him you are confused because his family is making it seem like you are supposed to be planning a wedding, but you are not engaged yet in your culture. Mention that you don’t feel comfortable moving forward with wedding planning because you are not engaged and because of his reluctance to talk about getting engaged. 

Honestly I would be very confused in your position. Like obviously to his family you are engaged and should be planning a wedding. But then you talk about getting engaged and he acts reluctant or gets upset… yet he told his family he will marry you… which seems like an engagement in his culture. So asking you “will you marry me” should be easy. I mean, you don’t even need a ring to get engaged…. 

Post # 7
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

The fact that he gets upset when you talk about engagements is not a good sign. Before FI proposed, he frequenly brought up the future, engagement, marriage, kids, and happily discussed it with me when I brought it up. I knew the proposal was fast approaching, and he made me feel secure in that.

I won’t lie; even knowing it was coming and trusting him, somtimes insecurity and uncertainty flared up. However, in your case everything seems vague. You were expecting to get married in 2018, and now enough time has passed that you’re just saying, “Oh, well. I guess 2019.” But what will you do if next year at this time, he still hasn’t proposed? Will you be complacent with saying, “Oh, well. I guess 2020?”

It sounds like your SO has entirely too much say in your future together. This decision is a huge one that completely decides the way the future will go for both of you. He shouldn’t have all the power and control in that decision.

I would sit down, and have a non-pressurized discussion. Tell him that you need a general timeline, because weddings take time to plan, and you don’t think that the two of you are on similar pages for timelines, expectations, and future plans. Explain that a formal engagement is important to you, not because of a ring, but because you want to know the timeline for a wedding and want to be able to anticipate and plan for your future. Bring up kids, if you want them. The biological clock is no myth.

It’s up to you to decide. Are you okay with being a passenger in your own life?

 

Post # 8
Member
20 posts
Newbee

I agree with some of the previous posters. If he gets upset when you talk to him that’s definitely a red flag. It seems as if he has total control of the relationship. Your feelings are being over looked and that’s not how a relationship works. I say talk to him again if he isn’t willing to listen…LEAVE! You are only wasting precious time staying in a situation where your unhappy! Good luck hun!

Post # 10
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

I would ask him, when do you see us trying for children? It’s a question that is important to you, as you both are/approaching 30, and the conversation will naturally lead to counting backwards to the month you’d ideally get married and start saving up. Perhaps he just needs to do the mental math for himself to realize he needs to get the ball rolling!

Post # 14
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If this is a relationship worth having, you two should be able to sit together and discuss this like two adults. 

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