Post # 1
First of all, Happy New Year!
Secondly, I have a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and if you’ve read my previous posts at all, you’ll have an idea about us. He is finishing his nursing degree this coming June and is slowly running out of excuses not to ask me to marry him. He says he wants to get married to me, but even when I try to bring up living together (which he wants to for at least 6 months before he asks me), he gets really weird and reluctant to talk much – hence me always initiating important conversations.
He doesn’t even want to talk about living together because…. well, first it was a further degree decision due this past December, now it’s graduating and finding a job, but then it’s also now his roommate because if I move in with my S.O., his roommate will have to move out of the house (they share a mortgage) because he can’t stand living with couples.
So I guess what I’m saying is, he is running out of reasons not to move on with this relationship into something other than staying the night a couple times a week and seeing each other in random intervals. Should I set a deadline – such as: if he doesn’t ask me to marry him by January 1st, 2015, we need to have a serious conversation on his proposal timeline.
Any advice is welcome as long as it’s constructive! 🙂 I just don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
Having the serious discussion first and then deciding on a timeline, depending on how that discussion goes, may be the way to go.
I don’t think there’s any good reason for you to wait a whole year without knowing his reasons for stalling. That’s important information.
When or if you start the discussion, try to do so at a time when neither of you is angry, hurt, sad, annoyed, etc.; doing so during these times could cause trouble that doesn’t need to happen.
Talking about how both of you feel and what both of you think about the relationship and where it’s headed may be the best thing to do. He’s stalling for a reason, and the reason may not be found if the topic of the discussion is just the proposal.
The proposal is an event, but the relationship is what you’ll be living with day in and day out; the relationship is what the proposal is based on, so put the relationship first. Discuss the relationship and your wants, needs, and deal breakers. When the two of you are able to understand what’s going on and where both of you stand, the proposal and timeline can be considered.
Post # 4
I think it depends on your overall goal. Just remember your timeline is for YOU not for him.
2.5 years isnt that long, however, age would factor into that because 2.5 years at 20 is very different than 2.5 years at 35. What concerns me most about your SO is not so much his desire to wait, but his unwillingness to talk to you about what his long term goals with you are. Lots of guys are not mentally ready at 2.5 years, but at this point he should at the very least be able to tell you his intentions. Lots of guys also want to be financially secure, so that’s understandable. However, why is he more concerned about his roomate’s living situation than he is about your relationship? Are you willing and able to provide what his roomate is currently contributing? If not, then he may need his roomate and unless there is a severe housing shortage in your area his roomate can make other living arrangements. Is it possible that your SO has communicated with you, but because its not what you want to hear; you ask him over and over so he has shut down and refuses to talk about it?
My BFF waited 8 years for a proposal because her SO wanted to “make more money, be financially secure, ect.” The reality is he made 6 figures and could have married her years ago if he wanted to…he just wasnt ready. He had an age in his head and he wasnt comfortable marrying anyone before that age. During their 8 year relationship they acquired 3 cars, 2 mortgages, 2 dogs and 2 cats… they moved to an apartment about 2 years into the relationship and purchased their first home 3 years into the relationship. She was ready for marriage about 3 years in and downright angry about it 5 years in, but he just wasnt ready. The difference is he communicated his intentions to her throughout and although we ALL wondered WHEN he would propose, we never doubted that he would actully propose. My friend stayed because that worked for her. Does your SO’s timeline work for you?
You and your boyfriend need open and honest communication about where your relationship is headed.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2015 - Gardens
@chevaldame: I think the worst thing you can do is try to push someone into making such a major decision, he could become resentful of you pushing him and would it really seem special if you had talked him into doing it eariler than he felt comfortable with? I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, coming up to our 6th in July, and it was only three months ago he said he wanted me to pick out a ring so he can propose. If I had pressured him at any point it wouldn’t seem special to me, as I know people who have done that to their partner and it never ends well. If you know you want to be with someone forever I don’t think it matters when you finally become engaged.
Post # 6
@chevaldame: Has your bf had a bad experience with an ex?
My fiancé proposed to me 2 months before our 6 year anniversary. He originally told me that he wanted to wait until he was 30 to get married.
We moved in together after 2.5 years.
Around our 3 year mark we started ring shopping. I thought a proposal was coming soon. Boy was I wrong! He seemed to be stalling and even used my sisters wedding as a reason to wait on a proposal So the attention wouldn’t be taken off of their wedding. I went through many ups and downs and started to get depressed about him waiting so long to ask.
He has a daughter and after about 4-5 years of dating I found out that he had proposed to the mother of his daughter before she got pregnant and after only a year of them dating. He was about 20 and she was his first long term girlfriend. According to him her family pushed him to buy a ring and even assisted him with financing the ring. I was crushed and so upset. He told me that we had talked about his previous engagement before but I guess my selective memory blocked it out. His daughter primarily lives with us so I started to question why I was good enough to raise his child but not good enough to be his wife while his ex (who is a loser, even he thinks so) was wife material. I talked to him and he told me that if he could go back, he wouldn’t have proposed and wouldn’t have let her family pressure him. He said with me he wanted it to be right. He didn’t want to feel any pressure and wanted it to be on his own terms.
I’m so glad I talked to him about his past because it made our future better. I was able to understand that he had been hurt so I needed to back off a little. I still continued to remind him of his own deadline of waiting until he was 30 to get married and told him if we werent engaged or married by his 30th, I’d be gone. I think that helped him have to figure out his past issues. 6 months before his 30th, he proposed and it was PERFECT!
Sorry for my long story but maybe there is more to his hesitation.
Just remember, good things come to those who wait.
Post # 7
Since some posts discuss age:
I’m 23 and he’s 30.
Post # 8
@chevaldame: hmm while he is older, he may not be ready for marriage. You can’t force someone to be ready, but you do deserve a serious conversation about expectations and a timeline.
Given how young you are, I don’t see a need to rush, but then again we dated for 9 years before my DH proposed. But we had open discussions leading up to it and we knew each others’ expectations. We got married at 25 and 27 because we were BOTH ready. No pressure on either side. DH wanted to finish his masters and have a stable job first and I respected that. We both wanted to be emotionally and financially stable before marriage, so we waited.
Maybe your SO is thinking along the same lines my DH was, but is having a difficult time explaining it?