- 3 years ago
ok so this is kinda hard for me to write but I need advice from other Bees who may have been through this too. i’m 31. All my life when i looked back i have been dogged by dark periods. Nothing major dark dark. i’ve always gone to work and continued my social life and hobbies. But every so often this uncertain and empty feeling washes over me. I feel lonely/alone even when i’m with ppl I love and am happy with. I’m due to get married in 2.5 months, something I have wanted for a long time and I’m having serious anxiety. Just to give you some back story I have only ever loved 2 men in my life. My first real love when I was 25 I had boyfriends before that but was never in love and my current FI who i do love. Me and FI have been together for over 4 years. I met him about 6 months after my first real love relationship ended. To go back to that first relationship I was soooooo head over heels in love but I also had dark periods of uncerainty not knowing if we were meant to be, questioning our relationship etc. We fought a lot. we were together for over 2 years but never lived together. We had amazing chemistry and I was devastated when it ended. I do balme myself for the relationship ending. Before I met my FI I had 6 months of partying and going wild, FI offered me the security I missed so much, we fell in love, but I was still very closed off. He used to try and call me babe and put x’s on text messages but i told him not too, as I was so hurt in the past relationship that I suppose I didn’t want to leave myself open to this again. A couple of months into this relationship my ex got in touch with me just general chit chat and we kept in touch every so often, he apologised for treating me bad towards the end, he gave me mixed messages for over a year saying he’d like to meet up to talk not to get back together. When he found out I was in a relationship he was being overly flirty in the texts and telling me how lucky my new partner was to have me. I ended up moving 2 hours away to be my now FI and a new job opp. I was running away I have always done this. I think I just needed to escape without knowing what from. To start with me and FI have a very close relationship but over the last 6 months or so I can feel him shutting down around me. To be honest I feel like a lot of this could be my fault because I can’t open up and be 100% focused on our relationship. i feel like theres something holding me back. I think i’ve somehow created this barrier myself. I’ve had dreams about my ex too. I’ve looked this up and it says not to take it literally it can be a case you’re repeating the same mistakes in another relationship or that you are missing something in your current relationship that you had with your ex, or even that you acted a different way in your past and miss that side of you.
I’ve been so set on being this independent woman with all my own hobbies and to be honest I put FI second alot in my life. Its not that I don’t love him I just promised myself before that I would never be in a situation again that I had given up everything for someone. Every time I have an ex dream it sets me back, for days or even weeks. I end up comparing my current relationship and really missing what I had with my first love. and the sadest thing is I know its probably my own issues that are causing this distance with my FI and I. I’m really considering going to speak to someone. I don’t want to be caught off guard by these feelings as they normally happen when I should be the happiest. I really feel I’m becoming my own worst enemy. My ex and I ended for a reason I spent half of that relationship in tears arguing and now when I look back I am just focused on the good parts, the passion that wouldn’t have lasted anyway.
I feel like my brain isn’t mine anymore!! Advice and similar stories and how you overcame them please?!