Post # 1
So last night my SO broke it to me out of nowhere (litterally we were talking about differences in wine) that if we still want to get married in the fall, our engagement will be either quote “very very short, or very very long.” He wouldnt tell me why and just changed the subject so i dropped it. We were thinking of getting married fall of 2014 and he even promised about 7 months ago that we would be engaged by the end of the year. Now that doesnt look like thats happening. He recently came into a lot of money so that isnt a factor, so I dont know why he is pushing back the timeline. I was doing so well at being positive and not thinking about the waiting and now Im just…crushed. What if hes just talking about getting engaged just to keep me happy when he doesnt really want to get married? Im not quite sure what I should do or say at this point.
Post # 3
Perhaps he has a ring custom ordered that won’t come in by the end of this year? It seems like he’s planning to propose sometime in 2014 so your proposal would be short if you were married in fall 2014 or long if you married in fall 2015.
Or perhaps he’s just throwing you off?
If you really want to get married in fall 2014, why don’t you ask him to start planning the wedding before the official proposal and ring?
Post # 4
@futuremrsk18: I know he hasnt ordered a ring because he wants to go ring shopping again before he picks something. Ive tried suggesting that we go when we have nothing planned for the weekend but he never wants to. And honestly im not going to plan a wedding if I know hes not all in.
Post # 5
@MissStruggles: I get the impression that he may want it to be a surprise so he is trying to throw you off so you don’t expect it .
If I were youi would be very nonchalant and wait a bit (he may propose at christmas). If in say 6 months he hasn’t proposed then sit down and tlk to him.
Post # 6
i’m all about being honest. just say ‘hey that kind of threw me off – why the change?’ i don’t see any point in not asking to be honest. if he wants it to be a surprise then he’ll find a way to give you a vague answer (‘i have something special planned for the ring’) and if it’s specific he’ll tell you (‘there’s a period at work where i can’t take any time off because of x project)/
it’s your life too – there’s nothing to gain by not asking.
Post # 7
@walnutgirl: If he is trying to throw me off hes doing a very good job at it. We had a very similar conversation a year ago when we were talking about getting engaged, but here we are with another holiday season comming up, and I dont know if I can get through the dissapointment of new years day and still nothing a second time. If that happens I might have to wave my little white flag and give up.
Post # 8
2nds just be honest about your feelings. If he really loves you he’d be happy to share even if its hard.
Post # 9
I couldn’t stand all this enigmatic stuff that puts a guy in such control of a situation that should be agreed by both of you. I’d have to have an upfront conversation and ask what he meant by this important but throwaway comment. I can see absolutely no reason (other than playing mindgames) why he couldn’t explain himself and also, give you a sensible timeline. If he doesn’t want to get married then he needs to be upfront about that too. It’s ridiculous and unkind for you to spend so much of your life being disappointed. Surely, if someone loves their SO, that’s the last way they’d want them to feel?
Post # 10
Why would you just drop a conversation that directly effects your future and your relationship with your SO? If you want to be married, you need to be able to have frank and open discussions about timing, why things are/aren’t moving forward, etc. The meek mouse routine won’t make you anything but a door mat.
Post # 11
If he promised you would be engaged by the end of the year… why do you say it doesn’t look like that’s happening? Because he’s being mysterious, or because he doesn’t want to discuss it and seems to be putting the subject off?
How long have you guys been together, how old are you, and do you think he’s forgotten his by-the-end-of-the-year promise?
If the thought of another New Year’s with no engagement is something you simply cannot stomach (boy do I feel you there), and your gut is telling you it’s not going to happen, I’d sit him down and tell him how you feel about the waiting. You two should be equals; if he won’t give you straight answers, or if he continues to stonewall or put you off, start to disengage, imo. This is your life too. Even if you intially agreed to give him until the end of 2013, you have the right to change your mind about that timeline, every bit as much as he does. Because your feelings are your feelings. And you don’t need to be strung along. If he really is the right man for you, he’s going to understand, and he’s certainly not going to let you get away.
With that said… maaaaybe he is trying to throw you off the scent, to make sure you’re surprised? And it’s only three more months to the end of the year. Unless you are getting serious and shifty evasive vibes from him, or you’re 36 and want kids and don’t have time to dick around, I would probably try to hang in there until he’s broken the timeline he gave you. But only if you think you can take three more months of this. And if you stick it out and he then fails to propose by the time he promised, I’d bail immediately.
ETA: mmm, upon a reread of the OP, it does sound like you’re getting the bad shifty vibes. I think you should talk to him.
Post # 12
@MissStruggles: He wants to go ring shopping but everytime you suggest going, he doesn’t want to? FI and I only went ring shopping when there were jewelry stores that happened to be near us when we were out. We never actually made special plans to go. Next time you’re out at a mall, just stop by one of those jewelry stores. FI didn’t buy a ring from any of the chain stores (we lived in NYC at the time, so he used a jeweler to custom make my ring), but going to those stores just to try on different styles really confirmed what I wanted (none of them had my exact ring). Honestly, I think your guy is definitely “all in,” but these types of things are not as exciting to them as they are to us. If I told my FI, “Hey want to sit here and plan our wedding or sit around and watch football today?” I know the answer to that, but I also know he’s super excited for the wedding and to marry me. Before we were engaged, if I told him, “Hey do you want to go ring shopping today?” he probably would have said no, that he’d rather just stay home or do something else that’s more fun. But, whenever we were out at a mall or in the city near the diamond district and we passed by a store and we weren’t in a rush to go somewhere, if I said, “Can I go in just to try on some rings?” he’d always say yes.
Post # 13
@MissStruggles: Maybe he’s proposing this weekend and deciding whether you’re going to have over a year to plan or just a couple of months?
Post # 14
@MissStruggles: I highly doubt that you are forcing him since it is on his mind. I believe that there is a really good reason for it.
I understand not wanting to bring it up but I also believe that it needs to be clarified before you go crazy thinking about it.
If all else fails opt for the really really short engagement.