Post # 1
We’re in our mid to late twenties, dating 6.5 years, 2.5 years actively waiting. I struggled a lot with his inaction and lack of communication about this issue. We did NOT have a timeline until early 2014, which to my suprise HE put forward.(yay!) It’s “around August 2014”. We came to the conclusion as a couple that we should make the decision to marry or walk away from the relationship by that time.
So it’s coming up, and I am worried this will turn me into an emotional wreck. We’ve had soft deadline before to make decisions about timelines which have come and gone in the past. If this one goes by without acknowledgement I will be totally and completely heartbroken.
Just, how do I prepare myself for something like this? These situations are so difficult for me emotionally and I end up a ball of stress. How do you/ did you mentally prepare yourself when timelines are looming?
Post # 2
From the sounds of what you are saying
“We’ve had soft deadline before to make decisions about timelines which have come and gone in the past. If this one goes by without acknowledgement I will be totally and completely heartbroken.” 4
You need to really think HARD about what YOU want. Do you want to walk away? Are you prepared to end this? Are you potentially ok with being together without that type of commitment.
What Im trying to say is that you need to decide what you are going to do and not what he is going to do.
Decide if he: talks about it, proposes, ignores it entirely, hints at it. what are you going to do in each situation.
Are you going to bring it up before hand and say “This is what I need by this date or this is my choice” or are you going to let August pass and then move on or stay.
You can only control you and your future. Sorry if this is vague but its the best advice I can give as someone who was in a similar situation.
Hope it helps!!
Post # 3
I agree. Think about what you want and there’s nothing wrong with you bringing it up. Especially as he is the one who suggested the timeline. So you could simply say to him “Well, it’s nearly August now and I know you wanted us to make a firm decision by August so do you think you’re close to knowing what you want?” That way you’re not pressuring him for a yes or no now, you’re just asking if he’s thinking about it. He can answer that question without ruining a proposal, if he has one planned.
I would say that if his own self-imposed deadline comes and goes without him bringing it up then do say it to him. You have a right to know how he feels about your joint future and whather he’s on the same page or not.
Post # 4
capcathink: I just wanted to say I feel for you. I was in a similar situation and it did not end well.
Like PP said, you have to think about what is best for YOU. Don’t let him jerk you around. I think you should bring it up, you have a right to know.
Good Luck, and I hope everything works out.
Post # 5
You made this decision as a couple, so if it passes without acknowledgment that means you too chose to not discuss this.
Perhaps neither of you want this as badly as you think you do, and it’s time to start preparing for a new life. Which should be seen as a good thing after so many years of heartbreak and struggle for you! Just be honest with yourself and things will be tough, but definitely doable and maybe even exciting.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
winstonchurchill: this exactly. don’t let yourself be bullied into waiting longer than you feel you should. If you are ready to make a decision, whether to stay or leave, make the decision and stick to it regardless of how wishy washy he may get
Post # 7
I would need to discuss it now, before the deadline, if it hasn’t been brought up. I don’t think realize when they say “around” a certain date that we women take it for a drop dead date. If it has not been discussed, you really need to talk about it. Then you need to decided what you need and want.
Post # 8
Are you willing to keep going in circles about this? If he does not propose, you have to do what is best for you. He will be answering your question of whether or not he is the one for you, by proposing or not proposing. Both parties must be on the same page for a relationship to work. If one wishes to be married, and the other does not, there is a problem. You should not have to beg someone to marry you. In reality, staying with someone who does not want what you do is a waste of time. You could walk away and make yourself available to meet someone who does want what you want. You could stay and if he does not propose and become resentful. Either way, be prepared for the worst, and to do what you say you will.
Post # 9
I don’t really understand how him not proposing to you is bullying you …. I agree that this should be brought up before the deadline. You may not like what you hear but then you can move on rather than we have a timeline and if he doesn’t propose i’m walking. It seems passive aggressive. You should be prepared that he may not want to marry you, he may not chase you down and beg you to return.
I’d also start getting more involved in things that I like. Go to the gym, join a book club, sign up for a class in something you don’t know how to do, take some risks, volunteer get yourself focused on things outside of your own mind and life. That way if things don’t work out the way you want, you have things to look forward to.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
He set the deadline so there really is no need to have any more conversations. He will either pull the trigger or gamble that you will stay with him anyway. Hopefully August is when your lease runs out. The closer the deadline gets the more you will need to look into alternate housing options that don’t involve him. That way if he doesn’t meet the deadline that he set the only discussion left is letting him know what day you are moving out.
Post # 11
You have an option that I don’t think anyone has brought up, yet– YOU could propose to HIM. If the deadline is that important, and you feel the need to know by August, then ask him to marry you. Just because traditionally the man asks doesn’t mean that you can’t ask him if it’s that important.
Maybe I’m weird, but when I laid out my deadline, it was one by which if he didn’t propose, I would… It seems very one-sided to put all of the pressure on him to ask.
Post # 12
Wow, proposing vs walking away from the relationship are two completely opposite things. I tend to think that if the two of you discussed those things as your options and he has neither proposed nor discussed anything further since then, he is’t intending to marry you.
So you need to decide what’s right for YOU, regardless of what he wants. Do you want to wait around forever for a man who refuses to commit? Is marriage important to you? If it is, then I don’t think this is the right man for you. There are plenty of men who don’t need deadlines to propose. If I were you, I’d walk before the deadline (easier said than done, surely, but it is likely in your best interest to do so). I’m betting he won’t chase you to make you stay…
Post # 13
I agree with a previous Bee, you need to re-visit the topi with him. If your SO is anything like mine then around August could be 3 months after… check he is still aware of this deadline before making any harsh choices.<br /><br />Maybe right a list of reasons to stay/go, have you become a better person since being with your SO have your lives moved forward in any other way? ect..
Good luck x