Post # 1
I feel a bit of a fraud being here. I’m a long time lurker and I promised myself I would not join wedding bee until I was engaged as I thought I’d be jinxing things.
I’ve come out as I really want your advice.
I’m 28 and all my past relationships completely pale in comparison to my current one. We’ve been together 14 months now. We’ve talked about how perfect our connection is and how easy the whole relationship is compared to old ones. I feel like we just get each other (except about this). He knows how much I go on wedding bee and how I have already started a pinterest board. (ok I sound like a crazy person, but I promise I’m not). We talk about getting married all the time, from the actual wedding to the future kids we will have.
Few issues at the moment to set the scene:
We were living together from 2 months since we were a couple until a few months ago due to job circumstances. He now lives over 2 hrs drive away and is super busy trying to impress people at his new job. He’s busy working on his CV to apply for a job where I currently am, but it’s very competitive so that takes a lot of his time too.
He has met my dad once, who gave him the cold shoulder and now my bf wants to avoid all contact with him. The rest of my family really like him. I get on with his family.
But the main issue i’m asking you bees tonight is that I asked him tonight for a timeline of where our relationship is going. I feel a bit brushed to the side with all the work he’s been doing and we’re only seeing each other a few days every few weeks (as opposed to when we lived together) and I wanted to make sure we were still on the same page and have something to look forward to. I guess it’s comforting.
He completely brushed it off. He started laughing saying I must have got the idea from wedding bee and it was ridiculous. He refused to talk about it seriously. I want to talk about it! When we’ve had casual chats about it in the past, he’s using my bro’s wedding next year as the excuse for us not getting married next year (but we weren’t serious about getting married next year anyway…).
Any advice? Maybe I am being too pushy… Thank you x
Post # 2
Maybe he was taken off guard and didn’t know how to respond. However, if he’s serious about committing, he probably has already thought about it and would have had a better response for you. He might talk nebulously about marriage, but that’s not the same as planning the timeline.
Post # 3
DH told me and it is true that every relationship is different. there is no right timeline for everyone. i was 32 when i got engaged. friends of mine were getting engaged after a year of dating. we knew we wanted to be married, we talked about it. but DH wasn’t ready to make the final commitment. i kept saying we aren’t getting any younger.
with a new job, he probably is busy. if you really are concerned, talk to him about it. ask him.
Post # 4
lovesyoungdream: I wouldn’t say you’re being pushy but you might want to back off the talk for a little while. Guys don’t like to feel pushed and knowing you’re on weddingbee and pinteresting your heart out to them means you’ve got his future planned for him. It definitely didn’t help to get the cold shoulder from your father, I’m sure that doesn’t make him want to get married any sooner.
Anyways, every relationship is different as you know so timelines cannot be compared. My SO wouldn’t talk about marriage the first year. I waited until the following year around our anniversary and brought it up on a low pressure outing where he didn’t have to look at me while we were talking. I said “we’ve been together for two years and I’m having a great time, I love these things about us…. How do you feel things are going? Would you say marriage is on the table? If yes then how far off would you say we are, followed by are there things you want to achieve before then etc..”
If you ask your guy these questions around the 24 months mark he says no, marriage is not yet on the table or he refuses to talk about it then you have your answer, move on.
My SO and I have these conversations yearly and in year 3 he was actually comfortable talking marriage and our futures together, he would talk about it before 3 years but he would hold back some and not be overly specific. We’re in year 4 now and since I’ve picked out the ring I want he’s working on ordering it so we can have it made.
For reference I’m 27 and he’s 29. Is there a rush feeling for you? 14 months isn’t that long…
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius
lovesyoungdream: in the nicest possible way, I really think this is something that you can’t push. Sure, it’s something that you talk about and there are some times that it may be appropriate to discuss ‘where is this going’ (for example being together for 10 years and not moving forward with marriage/kids etc and wanting to know what your lives hold). Although you have a great connection etc, it’s only been 18 months. Just let things happen, you both know and have spoken about how great your relationship is, just embrace and enjoy it, he will propose in his own time. The more pressure you put on the more likely he is to back away
Post # 6
lovesyoungdream: you’ve been together 14 months. In my opinion yes, you’re being a little pushy. Marriage is for the next 60 years or so. What’s the rush? Get to know him better, relax and enjoy each other’s company. The commitment will come if you’re meant to be together, you can’t force it.
Post # 7
1) Talking about marriage can be romantic and exciting. Making solid plans about marriage can be scary and overwhelming. Maybe he just panicked. Give him some time, then tell him this is important to you and you want to discuss it next time you see each other.
2) You’re not being pushy. Every woman entering an exclusive relationship has the right to ask “Where is this going? Do we have a future together?”. But he has the right not to answer. You can’t force him to. You just have to take that answer/non-answer, and do what you will with it.
Post # 8
Personally, I will allow NO man to date me for more than two years without proposing. But, that’s my personal timeline and every guy I have dated have proposed within the year…maybe that is why I have two broken engagments.lol (I ended up leaving). In theory, 14 months is not a long time and I would back up off of the pressure and take the marriage talk completely off the table if I were you.
Post # 9
lovesyoungdream: You are using talking about marriage as an excuse to not talk about the thing that is really bothering you–you feel neglected. That is what you need to talk to him about.
“I’m sorry if it felt like I was pushing you to talk about marriage. I’ve realized the real problem is that I’m feeling a bit neglected. I was using commitment as a way to make myself feel better about where we are right now. Like it would be worth it if I knew when we would be married. But now I realize that even with an definite timeline, I would still be feeling neglected. I know you are busy and building your career is important to you (and us). It’s just been hard for me to go from living together to hardly ever seeing you. I know part of this is just the current situation and I just kinda have to suck it up and deal. But maybe, if you could do X, Y or Z it would make me feel better”
And the X, Y, Z should be easy things he can do–text/call during the day, send you flowers, tell me you miss me more etc.
PS- have you read Love Languages. It sounds like your Love Language is Quality Time, and being apart is especially hard for you. You might have to use other Love Languages to fill in the gap.
Post # 10
I agree, still quite early. I always think 2 years is a make or break milestone in any relationship so maybe concentrate on passing that first? But I know it is hard when everyone else is doing it. But they might not last. My good friend always says easier to break up with a boyfriend than a husband.
Post # 11
lovesyoungdream: at your age I think it is perfectly reasonable to start thinking about marriage. DH and I met in my late 20s and talking about getting married was a subject brought up early on, and we were serious about a timeline around 1 year anniversary. Engaged by 1.5 years, got married before our 2-year dating anniversary.
However, a couple things are in your way:
1) Your dad blew your BF off, so i can see why he’s reluctant. i think you need to get your dad to at least RESPECT your bf
2) He just got a job and is job searching to move near you. Actions speak louder than words! He’s trying to move closer which means he is committed. Job searching while having a job is HARD, it’s like having 2 full time commitments. You need to remain supportive of him during this time because it is very difficult. It is understandable that you feel neglected. One thing that is reasonable for you to ask him for is some time set aside where he’s fully committed to being with you, but then you also have to let him have the time and flexibility he needs to job search.
3) I would bring up marriage once he’s moved closer to you. Enjoy dating in the meantime, and let the conversation around marriage come up naturally.
Post # 12
Do you have a time-frame on how long it will possibly take for him to get transferred to a job in your area? 3months-6months-a year? This would be my biggest concern right now. How often do you see him and talk to him on the phone. You say he’s busy trying to impress his bosses, but I’d worry he’s enjoying his 2hr away freedom a little too much if this situation lingers on more than 6months! I’ve known a lot of guys who cheated on their long distance girlfriends- many ended up marrying those girlfriends but they felt no remorse about the cheating.
It’s not ok that he gave you the brush-off! This is your life too! and you deserve to know where things are headed. The next time you bring up marriage, bring up legit reasons for needing a timeline- like wanting to start having children before age 35 (for example).
Post # 13
thanks to everyone for your replies. we’ve talked about it since but he’s still not answering the timeline question… i guess i’ll have to be patient until he feels more comfortable talking about it or maybe bring it up again in a few months.
Post # 14
yupmarried: The earliest he can come back is summer of next year. But the problem is I am in between jobs too, so it’s all up in the air where we would both be next year. We both want to stay where I am. Due to the competition in our line of work, it may not happen. I think because of this too, I want some kind of gesture that this long distance is not going to be all for nothing.
I know he’s not cheating on me, and the duration of his contract is not something that can be changed. This long distance situation sucks 🙁
Post # 15
KoiKove: Yes, maybe you’re right and I’m more upset about the distance. It’s sad that even when we are together at weekends, we are both doing work in between going out to eat etc. I’m not sure what we can do about it. It’s just a rubbish time. I know you’re right in that the time we have together needs to be quality. Ill have a look at your book – it sounds really interesting.