Post # 1
Hello Bees. (Relationship: Togerther 3 1/2 yrs and Living together 2yrs)
I want to start off by saying that the SO and I had a really nice weekend. It was his bday so I laid off (at least until an hour after midnight). LOL. We had a long discussion. I set the mood by turning off all the lights in the house while we talked in the living room with only candles burining. This talk lasted about 2.5 hrs. The mood and ambiance was very nice if I should say so myself.
So of course I brought up the “non engaged status”. I basically told him that I was running out of patience for waiting and I wanted a proposal. He finally admitted to me that he was not a fan of the “timeline”. He feels like things should happen when they happen. He would prefer not to put a time frame on this issue. Especially since we knew we both want to get married. I basically stated to him that it was okay for him to feel that way and I respect that but I was not waiting after the end of the year. He did not really comment. I gave him scenarios I think he could relate to regarding his life, achievements, etc and I think he started to come around to understanding why timelines are important but I’m not sure if he fully did. For example he’s 36, I’m 26. So I told him that we aren’t getting any younger and if we want to have a family as we always discuss then we need to start moving on the engagement, marriage, house, and kids.
I didn’t ask for a “propose by” date. But something would have been nice. I just told him that we needed to be engaged asap if we were going to get married next summer as planned. He kept saying he understands but I’m not sure if I’m too convinced. And although he “okay’d” a summer 2011 wedding he doesn’t seem too sure about that either (I know he is not totally on board with it being a DW because he feels his Mom is afraid to fly so maybe that’s why). I know he wants to marry me but I think he is comfortable and thinks that time is on his side. I disagree. We’ve gone ring shopping and picked the ring already.
Bees, am I wrong for wanting some sort of timeline? He didn’t really have a “plan”. Like I want us married by 2011 or 2012. Or that I want kids by 2012 or 2013. NOTHING! And that REALLY bothers me. Instead of living day to day, rolling with the punches thinking that it will happen eventually. That is not comforting to me and it doesn’t give me any piece of mind. I can’t stand this waiting too much longer.
Post # 3
I think giving him a timeline is fine. At least he knows how you feel about it. He might not like it but hey some people need a little push. I would lay off him for awhile now and see what happens. How much longer are you willing to wait or at least wait for him to decide? I know exactly how you feel. I’m basically giving my SO till Nov 12th to decide on what he wants to do. If he can’t decide by then I think it is too late but thats another story. All I know is I regret not bringing it up with my SO sooner. I have had so many deadlines too. Like get married by 25 and have kids at 26. Well now I’m 31 and not married and no children. It’s so hard especially when you feel like he does not understand which I know my SO doesn’t. Basically you have to have timelines otherwise nothing will happen. I learned that the hard way.
Post # 4
@desertgirl: “you have to have timelines otherwise nothing will happen”
That’s exactly right. I REALLY want us to be engaged by Thanksgiving or December 1st. BUT I think I will hold out until the end of the year if I can. So basically sometime between December 1st – December 31st. I won’t put myself through this stress and torture in the New Year. I just won’t.
Post # 5
I think you’re asking for a skewed opinion here. Most of us on the waiting board have had the timeline discussion with our significant others, so I’m sure that the large majority of us would consider it reasonable to ask for a timeline. However, you really should consider his feelings. I can understand from the guy’s perspective how asking for a timeline is putting some pressure on him that is unnecessary. He’s made it clear he wants to marry you, he’s picked out the ring – i think you should just let it be and wait for him to propose. I bet all this “timeline” discussion is pushing your engagement back further (as is telling him that you will not wait after the end of this year). I know a lot of bees have talked about how excited their guys are about proposing, and especially the surprise aspect. Asking for a timeline sort of ruins the surprise (or at the very least, I can see how your boyfriend might think that)
Honestly, it doesn’t seem he is as comfortable with a wedding this upcoming summer as you are. I think it would be best for you to put that idea out of your mind for now. If he proposes soon, then you can jump onboard and start planning. I totally understand your impatience (I’m the same age as you – been with bf 4 years, living together 3), but I have to accept that its not just about what I want, its about what we both want. I would have liked to get married next summer, but around this summer, I realized it just wasn’t a realistic probability so I let it go. If i had held on to that dream, I would be really depressed about it right now.
I’m not saying asking for a timeline is wrong. Some guys do need a little push, especially since guys tend to get comfortable with the status quo. But there is a difference between a nudge, and serious pressure. It seems like you guys are on the right track. If your boyfriend thinks that if you aren’t engaged by the end of the year, you’ll leave – I am not sure that will really motivate him to propose.
Post # 6
I totally feel for you! I got engaged early this year but I remember coming back from a great vacation to Costa Rica and being heartbroken because he hadn’t proposed and I was so sure it was going to happen!
I feel like there would have been a lot less tears and tension if we had had a timeline but I was just so scared that he would bail if I pushed him too hard. In retrospect, I should have realized how much it meant to me and felt comfortable having that conversation.
Post # 7
@PrettySedity:I understand where you’re coming from and I think that you’re right, at this point he needs to step up and give you what you need. In the meantime, start doing your own things. Go out with friends, work late, hit the gym, etc. Avoid him a bit, in a sense, but when he asks whats’ wrong tell him nothing at all! He should realize you won’t stick around forever… however, if you are giving him the ultimatum for after the new year…be prepared to stick to it!!
Post # 8
I can only give you my opinion, based on my own experience and here it is. I started talking about timelines with FI back in July. I told him that I really needed at least 18 months to plan our wedding, and that I needed him to realize that I meant that, I wasn’t just saying that to make him feel better. He had a vague date set in his mind of ‘after school.’ I told him, Look, we want a wedding in May so it’s either May 2012 or May 2013. Which one? He said May of 2012. I said okay. I’ll start planning here and there, meanwhile, you will need to make it official before the end of this year.
It wasn’t until I told him it takes 6 months to get your dress alone that he actually believed me. While he’s not ready for marriage right now (still in school) he will be by the time our date rolls around. By putting it point blank in front of his face and making him realize that it wouldn’t be until we were 30 if he pushed it until 2013, but he’d still have to ask within the next year, he realized it was stupid to keep waiting. I also pulled together a budget for him and that made him feel better as well. Either way, I don’t think ultimatiums are a great way to go but I do think you should sit him down and ask him directly, “exactly when do you see us getting married, ideally in your mind.” You can make it multiple choice but make sure you get a firm answer, then work back from that. If he doesn’t have an answer…..then I think you know where you’re going.
Post # 9
@lalalalinzii:>> I agree 100% with what she said. Be prepared to stick to your timeline. Its a good thing for him to know that your ready to take your relationship to the next level and have a feel for when you think that should be. When my FH started talking about moving far away to go to grad school he was just expecting me to go with him so i very sweetly and honestly told him that i didnt want to move to the other side of the country if we werent going to take our relationship to the next level sometime in the near future. Then i backed off for a long time : )
Lalalalinzii is right about focusing your attention on other activities too. Now that youve done the right thing in talking to him, dont let yourself dwell on it all the time. Distract yourself : ) Pursue a hobby, start a new class at your gym or hang out with your girlfriends or try to meet some goal you have for yourself so that your not constantly wondering “whens it gonna be?”. Good luck!!!
Post # 10
@Krises: @Miss_JD: @lalalalinzii: @artichokey: @pvaultingirl:
Thank all of you ladies! Those are wonderful stories, suggestions, and advice. I’m absolutely ready to stick to my deadline. I don’t want to pressue him but at the same time who has time to wait and wait for what seems like forever.
I feel like it’s similar to starting college. You know what your major is and you have a plan to know how long it will take you to graduate and obtain that degree. Whether that’s 4, 5, or 8 years. So although it isn’t in the near future you have a light at the end of the tunnel and know what you are working towards. That’s what I’m lacking right now. Our relationship is like me starting college and my academic counselor telling me just keep going to classes, keep focusing, keep studying, and you will graduate ONE DAY. But NO ONE can tell you when that day will come. It (school/relationship)will eventually become discouraging, you will loose focus, and eventually give up. I think in life when we don’t have a plan or goals we fall short.
Post # 11
@PrettySedity: “I feel like it’s similar to starting college. You know what your major is and you have a plan to know how long it will take you to graduate and obtain that degree. Whether that’s 4, 5, or 8 years. So although it isn’t in the near future you have a light at the end of the tunnel and know what you are working towards. That’s what I’m lacking right now. Our relationship is like me starting college and my academic counselor telling me just keep going to classes, keep focusing, keep studying, and you will graduate ONE DAY. But NO ONE can tell you when that day will come. It (school/relationship)will eventually become discouraging, you will loose focus, and eventually give up. I think in life when we don’t have a plan or goals we fall short.”
OMG! You said it SO WELL!!!
Post # 12
@artichokey: I totally agree with you, about telling your b/f that you should tell him exactly how long it takes to do certain things in order for him to realize how important a timeline is. Here’s my BUT: The man doesn’t always listen to you. Well, mine didn’t, at least. Amongst our ongoing conversations I told J a few years ago:”I’d love to have our first child when I’m 30 years old. I want 2 or 3 kids and space them out a little. The females in my family take a long time to get pregnant (took my mom 5 years to get pregnant with her first, and for her sister… she went through tonnes of fertility testing, and then eventually ended up with invitro) so I don’t want to put it off too much longer than that.” Of course, he stated that he totally understood, and that I’d be pregnant by the time I was 30.
…Well, here I am, 30 years old, with no ring on my finger. Alls I’m saying, is that women need to watch what their man says and keep notes in your head because 90% of the time he’s just telling you what he THINKS you want to hear.
Post # 13
I’m a fan of the “Timeline” my SO and have had the talks recently and just within the past couple weeks it has increased to HIM bringing it up. I simply said I would like to be engaged within the first couple months of the new year. Last week I was teasing him and asked if we would be engaged by March 2011 and he smiled and said yes..then of course I tried to narrow it down more but he wouldn’t give lol. However it’s gotten better with me telling him if we are going to stick with our May 2012 date it needed to happen soon. And low and behold, he told me last night he knows when he is ordering the ring and took his mom to see the one he’s ordering just today. So, the point of my rambling (lol) is that if your SO is open to the talks and you are able to put it into scenerios that he will relate to I think it will help move things along.
Post # 14
@Gwen von D: I heard that last line loud and clear, sometimes people (not just men) will just say anything you want to hear.
The timeline can be a GREAT thing, eases your worries. But if your timeline doesn’t fall through, what is going to happen? Are you going to leave, stay? One should always have a backup plan.
@PrettySedity: I sort of have a timeline, but I’m comfortable where our relationship is at and I’m patiently waiting. I think more of your excitement stems from the fact that you both agreed on a summer 11 wedding, but no proposal. I am very curious as to how this came up btw. In my mind if you chose a wedding date together and made a commitment to one another, than you’re engaged. Even if you’re not willing to admit it you’re engaged. Now if your SO doesn’t think you are engaged why in the heck would he agree on a June 2011 wedding? Why do you need a timeline? You already have a date, I would start planning to hell with his damn timeline