(Closed) Timeline or Ultimatium

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

What’s holding him up? Money? Just not ready? 

Post # 4
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Honestly, one person or another setting a timeline is just another way of giving an ultimatum. A timeline, to me, is something you both sit down and talk about and agree upon. You dictating when the engagement must be by is an ultimatum. I KNOW it must be frustrating, but maybe check out the thread the other day that Mr. Bee posted on his advice for waiting girls. A lot of waiting girls responded to it and said his advice worked for them. It was basically, try not to nag about the engagement because it’s counterproductive, and find something outside of the relationship to focus your attention on, because seeing you happy and thriving and not obsessing over an engagement will actually MAKE your boyfriend want to propose to you.

Post # 5
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Personally I wouldn’t let him know about a timeline.  Any timeline that you let him know about can easily be construed as an ultimatum, and for me, I didn’t want to feel like I was forcing my man into proposing to me.  I wanted it to be from the heart!  If this is truly how you feel, then I’d start making plans to move on after the month is up.

I look at it this way:  It’s his choice to ask you to marry him, but it’s very much your choice how long you want to wait for that.  

Post # 6
Member
1928 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First of all breathe, for your own sake you need to try to settle yourself down. I know how this feels I have been there, I waited for 2 years for my now FI to propose and those 2 years were hell. It made me feel horrible, I thought that I wasn’t good enough for him. I had months where I would make myself miserable thinking these things, until I told myself that I needed to calm down before I had a nervous breakdown.

As for the one month thing, I would casually bring it up say something like “It would be fun to be engaged by my birthday.” If you do it casually and then totally drop the subject he gets the idea in his head and he doesn’t feel extreme pressure. From what you said it sounds like he has a plan, the only reason I can think of that he wouldn’t propose before your birthday is because you would be expecting it.

Best of luck, if worse comes to worse tell yourself that this is the last year you will be his girlfriend, you just had your last Valentines day as a girlfriend.

 

Post # 7
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

What does a timeline mean to you?  To me the difference between an ultimatum and a timeline is that with an ultimatum when the time is up he either has to propose or you’ll leave the relationship, and a timeline is when you’ve discussed that you would like to be engaged, and agree on a period of time during which it will happen. 

I’ve been waiting for my SO for about a year and a half now, and I’m at a place that I’m content with now.  That’s not to say it hasn’t killed me at times during the waiting, however.  I felt so angry sometimes because I felt that if he loved me he would want this as much as I do, knowing that at any time he could make the waiting-craziness stop if he just chose to, but that wasn’t a healthy way to feel, and thankfully I’ve moved past that. 

When we first talked about a timeline he said he wanted to marry me “someday” while I was thinking that I wanted to be engaged like, YESTERDAY!  This was the hardest time for me because I had no real idea when or if it would ever happen.  Eventually we had another talk about it, and he said he saw himself getting engaged in the next 3 or so years, which again, was not what I wanted to hear.  I was obsessed, I was crazy, and I can’t imagine I did myself any favors.  If anything I was prolonging my waiting. 

Eventually I just got sick of talking about it, and I stopped.  Now he’s the one who brings it up, he’s shopping for a ring, he has a plan for a proposal, and he’s promised we’ll be engaged this year.  He’s never broken his timelines before, and I trust that he will keep his word.  I actually appreciate the vague timelines he gave me in the beginning because he was being honest with me.  He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear just to keep me quiet. 

Now that I’ve typed one hell of a novel, I suppose I should get to the point.

I know you love your SO.  Do you trust him when he says it will happen this year?  Is that a timeframe you could live with?  In the grand scheme of things I think it’s not that long to wait.  I could be biased, however, since that’s the timeline I’m at right now. If you can be happy with the timeline you have I would trust him to do his thing, and let it go.

If you feel that you can’t accept the timeline as it is I think you should have another talk with him.  Not an “I’m leaving if I don’t get a ring in 30 days” talk, but a “I feel like waiting for a proposal is putting a strain on our relationship, and I don’t want that to happen” talk.  See if you can compromise.  He wants this year, you want this month.  Perhaps you can meet somewhere in the middle so you are both happy. 

I wish you the best, and I hope that you can come to a solution that works for the both of you!

 

ETA:  Eek! That’s so long! Embarassed I hope it can help someone.

Post # 8
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

To me, the difference between a timeline and an ultimatium is that a timeline is something that the couple figures out together or the guy might tell the girl. Your SO said it would happen “in 2011” so that’s a timeline of sorts. Maybe you could as for a more specific timeline? I know when I was waiting, I asked DH for a timeline and he gave me one that spanned about 6 months. It was torture waiting but so worth it! I feel like if you tell him you want to be engaged by your birthday that’s an ultimatium of sorts and may cause a lot of pressure.

Post # 9
Member
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

To me a timeline is a general guideline that you come up with letting your partner know when you’d like to be engaged by and why. An ultimatium is like propose by this date or we’re over.

Personally, I gave my SO a timeline saying I would like to be engaged by fall 2012 at the very latest. I’ve explained though that I would like a long engagement and so sometime in 2011 would be ideal. I’ve explained my reasoning, that I want to be married during the summer in between undergrad and teacher’s college.

I would never give my SO an ultimatium because I’d rather wait for a proposal than be completely without him. I love him too much and I’m sure he would end up proposing by the time I found someone new to “start over” with. By leaving I think I would prolong the waiting even more.

Post # 10
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@pisces36:  I’d try to le go right now, hard as that is.  Even though we’re no where near a point where he’s going to want to be engaged/married, except for fleeting moments, he mentioned a 2 year timeline of sorts, more than ever before, so I’m trying not to let my Christmas/New Year’s/Valentine’s diappointment (even though I knew better).  I, too, have a birthday about a month away.  I am not looking forward to it, because I know what I want, and I know mentioning it will ensure it doesn’t happen.  My BF got me a earring/necklace set (which, unfortuntely wasn’t to my taste at all and I didn’t hide it well) for V-day and pulled out all the stops, but I was kinda like, if you’re getting me jewelry, why not something I WANT?  Instead of all this crazy/wonderful stuff for V-day, why not just propose, seriously?  You KNOW that’s what I want/hope for each and every time it rolls around.   

Your SO told you 2011.  I know it’s frustrating, but 2011 has about 10 more months in it, and your man might have something neat in mind, which is important to HIM in planning and executing the proposal.  Even if he decides against your birthday, remember this, accodring to him, will be your last birthday un-engaged.  Also, look up the post on letters to friends of waiting women – can’t remember the author right now, and maybe send it to your mom at least.  It basically tells your friends and family to back off, that them asking YOU only causes you pain and doubt, and reiterates that you’re usually okay in your relationship but when they bring it up, it’s rubbing salt in the wound.  Maybe if you can fin it, your mom can read it and pass on the info to pertinant people so they’ll back off, making waiting easier on you.

Post # 11
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think there’s anything you can do to fix this situation. What I’m hearing is that you want to tell him to propose by a certain date. I doubt there’s anyway to get that information across without it sounding like an ultimatum. 

I once told my boyfriend (years ago) that I’d like to be married by the time I turned 30. I thought that was a nice way to not pressure but give him a sense of my own timeline. I turn 30 this summer and we’re not engaged. If you’re too soft he just may not follow that timeline because there’s no reason to. 

But the opposite is just as bad: That you tell him you need to propose by X or I’m leaving. Sometimes that may be what it takes to get the guy off his butt, but I doubt that a)most guys want to be put under that kind of pressure and b) most ladies want to be proposed to under those circumstances. 

If he has said he wants to marry you cherish that knowledge and use it to banish feelings of inadequacy. If he’s given you a timeline of 2011, accept that that’s the time he needs to make this happen and don’t try to preempt his timeline with a smaller one of your own. From the sounds of it it’s going to happen–let it. 

Post # 13
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry you are feeling this way. 🙁 The good news is that you are both planning on a wedding next summer. AND he says he’ll propose this year. So, if that’s the plan, what ARE you afraid of? That he won’t follow through? Sounds like you are already in the last stages of waiting. 

Maybe designate “engagement talks” for a certain time and day (“let’s not get into it right now but I want to talk about it over the wkend”) if he’s so resistant. That way, he’ll have some time to think about how to respond instead of being off-guard every 15 minutes. It’ll give you something to look fwd to and you can enjoy the rest of your time as a couple. 

Post # 14
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hi,

I’m new to this site and saw this thread and felt the need to post. I hope this is not a “dead thread”. I’m not sure what the rules are on these forums -but I feel like my situation is very similar to you, Pisces36 (your name actually freaks me out because it corresponds to my bday!)

I’ve been waiting for about a year now, although we’ve been together for much much longer than that. Last year around this time was really tough. It seemed everyone around me was getting engaged – so I put a little pressure on SO. I now know that that is NOT the way to go. My SO acts very much like your SO when the subject of engagement/wedding comes up and it frustrates me to no end! But what I’ve learned is that most guys do not like to be pressured/nagged about anything. They prefer to do things on their own schedule, in their own way.

My SO did reassure me last year that it will happen and since then I’ve been anticipating a proposal at every big event and then being disappointed when it didn’t happen. I eventually realised that I have to stop anticipating and keep myself occupied with other things.  After about 9 months of waiting, SO finally asked me about what type of ring styles I like and we went ring shopping! This was a very big step for us and I was very excited and expected a proposal soon after that. Well now it’s 4 months later and still no proposal!

I’ve been trying very hard to keep myself occupied and just reminding myself that I’m lucky to have found someone I love and who loves me back – and that we will indeed spend the rest of our lives together. But it is difficult and like you, have often gotten frustrated that a proposal has not happened. I too get a bit cold and distant and think that SO will never ask me to marry him, but I haven’t voiced any of my frustrations because I feel that it would cause more of a delay. However, with that being said, I do have a date in my head in which I plan on having a serious discussion with him about my frustrations if he doesn’t propose by then.

I guess my advice to you is to wait it out. From the looks of it, your SO does want to marry you and he will propose when he’s ready. If your bday comes and months go by with no indication of a proposal coming – maybe then you can both have a discussion about an engagement timeline.

I know it probably reiterates what PPs have already said and I’m sorry if I’m no help. : ) Also I’m sorry this is so long! I just feel like out situations are so similar – its really freaky!

Post # 16
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@pisces36: Awe! I know how you feel – but try not to think of it as him not wanting to propose and that there is something wrong. He’s on board with a wedding next summer – so try to take comfort in that. He could be putting off the proposal for any number of reasons. Maybe he’s cooking up the perfect proposal and wants to make sure you’re surprised. Or maybe he has to save up money for a ring? I know my SO has been taking his time because of money. He had to buy a new car last month – his old one broke down – so that delayed him and he’s working on saving money for the ring. Whatever the reason – try to remember that it will happen and enjoy the anticipation! You don’t want to look back at the time before your engagement and remember that you were sad. You’ll want to look back and remember how happy you both were – right? I Hope this helps! Smile

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