Post # 1
This is part vent and part advice seeking.
MY SO and I have been dating for almost two years, our 2nd anniversary will be at the end of February. We are both 35 (I am 36 in two weeks). Back in April we had a discussion of things and we agreed that by our two year anniversary we would be engaged, I was honest with him and told him that I really could not see myself dating beyond two years without a firm commitment, especially at my age, and beyond that, I am just not the type of person who would be happy with that. I was ready to be engaged after one year but I was willing to give him the extra time since he wasn’t quite on the same page yet.
We have had discussions about things since then, he wants to look at houses for us to live in (we don’t live together now) when his lease is up in March, we talk about the future together etc. but I still get the feeling he is not going to actually propose by the time we agreed upon and it saddens and frustrates me. It’s kind of like planning a huge vacation and continually talking about where you’d love to go but never actually booking the ticket to make it happen. I know there is still six weeks until our anniversary, but nothing is planned at this point for my birthday, Valentine’s Day and of course our anniversary. I know it isn’t a fake out, he just genuinely hasn’t thought about it enough to plan anything concrete.
He asked me again last night which kind of ring I wanted, I had told him my preference for an antique ring a while back. I know this should get me excited but he has asked this before and nothing has happened, we’ve also discussed this before and I don’t know why he’s asking again. Not only that but he prefaced it by saying “Now I’m not saying anything but…”, which to me meant don’t get your hopes up. Not the thing to say.
I am still hoping it happens by our second anniversary but I am also preparing for the reality that it may not and I’m not sure what to do. It also isn’t about saving for a ring or a wedding or anything like that , it’s just him, he is scared of making big decisions. If he does not propose by our anniversary I admit a huge bit of trust will be gone, I feel it is a huge promise that was broken.
I guess I am wanting to hear from other Bees what happened if a timeline you openly talked about, and discussed on a somewhat regular basis, passed without him proposing. Did he propose somewhat soon after that? How did you feel in between? Is it years later and you’re still waiting? I am worried the trust will be gone, to hear someone say they are going to do something for so long and then not do it will feel very defeating to me. He is a wonderful man and I hate (and can’t) imagine my life without him but I also need to stand up for what I want.
Post # 3
@KatertotATL: I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I, too, am on the same boat. I’ve been with my bf for 5 YEARS in two weeks. We’ve been discussing marriage for about two years now and………..nothing. I tried my very hardest to not get my hopes up about a proposal over the holidays yet couldn’t help but feel an over sized load of disappointment when I opened a Zales gift box and found a diamond necklace and a pair of diamond earrings just waiting to be worn.
But I guess if he’s inquiring about your likes and preferences in rings then he’s onto something. Be VERY direct and detailed when you describe the ring you like (maybe show him pictures) because guys are very different than us women when it comes to gifting and perhaps he’s stuck trying to get you the perfect ring and a vague description isn’t helping. I would say don’t give up on him yet. If your anniversary rolls by and there’s no proposal, enjoy the day anyway. And after a couple of days have a talk with him and let him know how you feel about the agreement you had and how disappointed you feel. Remember, this is the man you love (I assume) and if he loves you in return, then he will hear you out and take your feelings and hopes of commitment into consideration.
Best of luck!!
Post # 4
First of off, dont worry about a problem you dont have yet.. (i know its hard not to)..I would wait until your timeline you set previously is up.. Men might not be detailed orientated but they know important things like that.
If it passes and he doesnt propose I would sit down and decide is it worth it for you to continue a relationship with this guy and are you willing to wait.. if the answer is no, you need to sit down with him and voice your opinion.. maybe tell him you need some space and decide from there if you want to end it. There is NO reason to be with someone who doesnt share the same vision of the future that you do..
HOWEVER, on the opposite side you still have 6 weeks, he is asking about rings so its on his mind.. I have a friend whos now DHwaited 3 days before her timeline was up to propose..
Try and stay positive…I know its so difficult but its not over yet!
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@KatertotATL: The nice thing is that you have an “out” ready at the end of the waiting period when his lease expires in March. Calm down until then. If he wants to talk about geting a house together in March I would say that it would be nice to live together once we’re engaged and drop the subject. No need to harp on it. If he wants to propose he will, if he doesn’t then he will let you know by what he does when his lease expires. Be strong and keep your mind busy. Learn a new language, sign up for some classes, work on yourself and have a support system set up for just in case he decides to move on. Men love strong, confident women and wandering around whining about wanting to get engaged is not going to convince him to propose if he is not already convinced.
Post # 6
@KatertotATL: remember he may not have anything planned yet but he may really want to surprise you. he may plan something simple. if you are ok with it, i’d tell him that youo don’t have to have a ring to be engaged and that a lot of couples go shopping together…i said that to my Fiance and i strongly believe that sped up my proposal by months!
Post # 7
Thanks everyone. I am trying to keep myself busier than normal these past few weeks, it’s just tough because based on conversations we had months ago I really thought it would have happened already and to hear him say and ask the same things I have heard for months as if he hasn’t seriously thought about anything is what is really frustrating, it’s like the talks we have had before have just gone right out of his brain and he doesn’t care.
As far as a ring, we talked about it months ago, I sent him a few pictures of ones I liked and told him what I liked, we even agreed on ones we both liked, and had a budget in mind, so it was a little disappointing that he asked me last night what I wanted, as if he hasn’t thought about it seriously at all and forgot everything we talked about, and then to say he wasn’t “saying anything” after he asked what I wanted didn’t exactly make me want to do cartwheels.
I am going to try my hardest not to think about it too much. I am going to tackle some home projects and keep working on myself, I have my own business so that certainly keeps me busy. I admit I am someone who likes to have a plan of some sort in life, not for everything, but to have such a big possibility just continually looming with no definitive answer goes against my grain and this uncertainty is a tough feeling to fight.
Post # 8
Our original timeline was the end of 2012. That came and went, and I was (rightfully, I think) angry. But SO had a legitimate reason for not making it. It had to do with the manufacturing of the ring. Our new timeline is March 31, and he swears it will happen by then. I was bitter at first, but now I’m getting exited – 76 days! Perhaps your SO has a good reason for missing the timeline? If he even misses it, that is. A lot can happen in 6 weeks.
Post # 9
This is what I did. I had a time line of my own of jan 3 bc he swore he would have a job near me by then. Well, the job isn’t complete and he isn’t here. So … For my sanity and his (bc of nagging) I placed a walk date. I asked him when he feels he can have a job here (this has been going on for over 2 years) and he said by end of Feb. I said fine I give you till first part of April. So he has said he doesn’t like it but respects it and that no person should wait forever for the other and he will make it happen. But this time bc I have firmly stated it I am comfortable with my choice where as before I was unsure Of what to do if he passed it. So we agreed and now I wait. Trust and hope and faith.
Post # 10
Thanks for the replies. I am just going to have to force myself to let it unfold until and see what happens on our anniversary. He does not have a legitimate reason to go past our anniversary, at least not at this point (I want an antique ring so certainly no reason to delay with having something made). Part of the reason we did have a timeline talk is because he procrastinates and is scared to make big decisions which he admits, and I’m worried that is what will happen, that there will be some kind of “reason” he won’t be able to do it by the date he has promised. As others have said, I shouldn’t worry fully just yet and I really hope this feeling I have about everything will just be written off as an anxious moment.
For now I am focusing on my business, losing 15 pounds and house projects. I really really hope these last few weeksare the last of my waiting days.
Post # 11
@KatertotATL: I’m so sorry your going through this, i’m still going through this. we never dicussed a timeline for marriage because i feel that a peice of paper does not a relationship make. i will not be another divorce statistic. I also feel that pressuring him to an alter would be a major mistake and i’d lose my SO. Marriage just isn’t a dealbreaker for me. we’re in this for life, with or without a ring and a paper. But, if marriage is a delabreaker, you’ve got to calm down & whenh he asks about rings, answer him without being negative in your mind. You’ve got to trust him. at the end of the day, you love him, faults and all. and HE LOVES YOU. If my SO asked about rings, I’d answer him and send pics. believe in him, and trust him.
Post # 12
I think you should reiterate to him your feelings on the timeline. If he can’t even remember that you’ve already told him multiple times what your ideal ring is, maybe he doesn’t remember you telling him the 2 year guideline. Or, he may not have realized you are as serious as you are. It’s worth it, for the sake of your relationship, to reinforce what you want to him.
Post # 13
Thanks, it’s been discussed a few times, he knows, I’m just still sensing hesitation. I sent him an email yesterday, from back when we had discussed it in May (he brought it up and wanted my opinion at the time) where I had given him a quick list of what rings I liked and then also went on some sites we had looked at previously and picked another couple that I liked (I want an antique ring so only one of a kind and most of the ones I sent him before had been sold). Anyways, I did that just to try and make that process easier for him since he didn’t seem to retain the information from last time. Of course the ring is secondary to actually getting engaged but I wanted to try and get that off the table and hopefully move things along.
I haven’t said anything since yesterday and I’m going to just let it be for now unless he asks me something specifically about getting engaged, no more vague chats about the future without action in the here and now.
Thanks everyone for your input.