Timeline Talk

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I don’t have much advice other than to keep a nice calm, relaxed voice throughout, it’s hard not to get frustrated and upset (my other half also hates timelines) but I think it works better if you just try to bring it up like you just thought it and haven’t been worrying about it.

Good luck, I hope you get the outcome you want, after two timeline talks I still haven’t got many answers for myself, only that marriage and kids are in his five year plan (FIVE YEARS??!!! I nearly fell over, and then remembered to act cool about it and like I wasn’t bothered). A close friend of mine always told me, make them think it’s their idea and it’ll happen quick as you like! it worked when we were looking at houses so I’m hoping reverse psychology works this time round too!

Post # 3
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

svnnh09:  I agree with WhiteRose07:  . Have an open mind and be willing to compromise (a little). From my experiences, guys tend to like “5 year plans” or whatever, where we like more specific “by 25 I am going to do this and 27 I am going to do this”. They don’t think like that. So just trust in his love for you and know that he wants the same things, just has different ideas. Listen and be open to hearing what they are. If you demand something by a certain time, he won’t respond well.

Post # 4
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

only do it at a time when you guys are in a really good place. Have him thinking about all the positives in your relationship first and don’t turn it into a fight/crying if his timeline is different than yours…who wants to think about marrying someone who they fight with or starts crying? no one. Who wants to think about marrying that awesome girl who they fell in love with? a lot of guys.

Also, unless it is left open ended I would keep my mouth shut about it. We had the timeline talk, then I shut up until he brought up the ring, I picked my ring, then I shut up for 2 months (REALLY HARD) then it happened! But he said flat out that me shutting up about it gave him the chance to really think about what he wanted and make his own decision on timing.

Post # 5
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t really believe in getting a timeline… I prefer rather to give him mine.  Tell him (in a very sweet way) that you have certain expectations in a relationship at this stage of your life… and that you would like something to happen (ie marriage, engagement, living together, children…) by (insert month/year)…and that you don’t want to be one of those women who waits around forever and ends up without a commitment.  Then leave it alone.  Never talk about it again.  Don’t push…you’ve already said your piece.

Personally, I think asking him for a timeline puts you in a lower position, asking a question like “when do you think it will happen?” doesn’t sound good at all.  Then, what are you going to do if you don’t like his answer or even his demeanor?  You’ll likely feel down… you may argue… Men need to think these things through.  They need time to process.  They are very one-track minded.  Putting him on the spot like that won’t yield a real answer…just something that he will say at the moment because he doesn’t want things to go badly.  So, my suggestion…don’t ask…tell him what you want then leave it be.  Let him work it out.  

Post # 6
Member
784 posts
Busy bee

Remember the first timeline talk is definitely not the last! Just put the word out, tell your ideas, listen to his. So many bees have said before they had the talk and were told 5 years, but it ended up being sooner! Guys are oblivious, so just gently guiding and saying things you want is something they need to get focused. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
784 posts
Busy bee

MrsVC2015:  I’m not trying to hijack the conversation- but I have a specific question about your talk. Did you tell him when you want to be engaged by or married by or both? We agreed on the married timeframe (with some flexibility due to my grad school) but I said I was ready to be engaged anytime before then lol… 

Post # 8
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I brought our timeline up after sex last night – I knew he was relaxed and in a good mood that way haha. I started by asking how many kids he wants, and then I told him I don’t want to have any kids once I am past the age of 33 ideally, and basically hinted he better get a move on LOL. We stopped there because it was 11:30pm and SO had to get up for work at 5 lol…. Will be continuing the conversation at some point later in the week, preferably not at 11:30 pm

Post # 10
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

futuredoctorbee:  it was a pretty vague discussion, pretty much that I wanted to be married before we had a second child. He said he wanted to have our next one within a few years. I expressed how much being married meant to me, he said it is just a piece of paper. He thought about it for awhile and agreed.

Post # 11
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

svnnh09:  It would be a good way to celebrate 10 years 😀

I gave SO my timeline last night his repsponse was ‘I don’t like feeling pushed into doing something, even though I’m not’.. HUH!? LOL. Anyway, it turns out his ‘timeline’ is very similar to mine anyway. I have my fingers crossed for a 2015 engagement 🙂

I think once he realised it was really the engagement and marriage that meant everything to me (he knows this because I’ve told him I don’t want an engagement party, and I want a really small, budget wedding) he seemed more relaxed about it all…

Post # 12
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Lmao we had an inpromptu talk about me being a control freak, which is true. I told him he’s the kind of man who goes for what he wants & will probably hit me over the head & carry me to the Courthouse when he’s ready. I like timelines, I like planning! Ugh, he was right. We need to see how things develop & grow first. We’re at a good pace, but he knows I want marriage & kids & a property, so that’s always been on the table!!

Post # 13
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

I meant to being it up in a calm and controlled way like whiterose07 suggested, but I ended up blurting everything out and tearing up a bit (SO mad at myself for not keeping cool!)

We had vague discussions before on ‘in five years’ basis (what is that? seems that it’s more common than I thought??) and it was driving me crazy that he hadn’t seemed to have put much more thought into it.

Despite the wreck that I must have looked when I brought it up, I’m glad I did, as it gave me peace of mind and I am not obsessing (as much as before).

I think the key focus for me was not to come across like it was an ultimatum, or I was a bunny boiler and for him to know that I loved him a great deal, but it was still important to me that we moved forward.

It’s just my experience, but I feel that if the guy is on the same page as you, there shouldn’t be an overtly wrong way to go about this. 

Post # 14
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I hate how men are so blase about it all like ‘eh, I’ll propose when I’m ready, no stress’.

 

I’M SICK OF WAITING, C’MON hahahahhaha

Post # 15
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You can’t pressure men into marriage. It just doesn’t work. Here’s how the conversations went with my fiance, before we were engaged:

Me- I wanna get married!

Him- I’ve been married, and it’s not that great. Really, it’s just a piece of paper. I love you babe and my commitment is the same as if we were married. Aren’t you just as commited as I am? And marriage changes people. It makes you not try as hard in the relationship and I don’t know anyone that has stayed married and happy. It either ends up in divorce or sour unhappy people.

Me- Yes I am just as commited. But marriage means a lot to me. I’ve never been married, and what you say isn’t going to change how I feel. You telling me that it is going to change us makes me want to get married even more. I want to prove you wrong. It would be nice to get married when I am finished with school. I really need the security of marriage from you, and I will not buy a house with you unless we are married.

Him- If I ever get married again, I want it to be forever. I’m scared that we are going to change and I don’t want that to happen. I love us the way we are.

Me- I can’t promise you that we aren’t going to change. I’m sure we will. But if we work on issues as they arise, and promise to always love each other and take care of each other, we can make change a good thing, not a bad thing. I will always love you.

That conversation happened over a period of 6 months, and not all nice and neatly scripted out like it looks. But you get the gist. I quit nagging him about it, and he took a while to think on it. It’s true he doesn’t have any good role models as far as marriage is concerned, and his previous marriage ended due to alcoholism, drug use, and cheating. His ex was not good to him. I have no idea what makes men tick and decide to marry a certain person or not, but I do have several male friends who dated the same woman forever. The women would constantly nag about marriage, and they would stall. Eventually they broke up, and then the guys married the next woman they dated within 2-3 years. What is this phenomenon? I have no clue! Good luck OP. Try your best not to nag!

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