Timeline vs. Ultimatum

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
9224 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

canadajane:  Exactly.  Applause.

Post # 3
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree mostly but this:

“Marriage is extremely important to me and I want us to be married within 3 years”.

 

is a statement of YOUR thoughts and feelings, and YOUR timeline that you have every right to express. 

An ultimatum involves a threat: “if we’re not engaged in 3 years I’m walking”. 

Post # 4
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Same with this: 

“I’m in my 30′s and my window for having children is closing. Are we going to get married this year or not?”

thats a completely valid question, not a threat. The guy could just say no, and the woman could decide what to do from there. 

Post # 5
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

canadajane:  Ditto. Also in my opinion, if you’re giving an ultimatum (a timeline), then you have to be prepare to walk away. More than often, we hear that people waited until the end of the timeline, didn’t get what they want, being all frustrated but ended up staying. I understand that if you stay, that’s becuase you really love someone.

But if you really love someone, you wouldn’t give them an ultimatum to begin with. Giving them an ultimatum means you are ready to walk away if you don’t get what you want.

It’s “marriage” vs “love”, what do you want most? Being in a marriage or being with the one you love?

Post # 6
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

canadajane:  So refreshing to see a healthy opinion on the concept of “waiting.”

Post # 7
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

MrsBuesleBee:  I would say that both of those statements are in the grey area.  One could easily say “I’m in the 30s and my window for having children is closing.  Do you want to have children/get married with me?”  instead of “are we going to get married this year or not?”  I think what sets an ultimatum apart from a timeline is the demand for something to happen within a certain amount of time, whereas a timeline is asking when something might happen.

Post # 8
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

housebee:  yes I wouldn’t phrase it like that, but still there’s not a threat involved (though you could argue its implied I suppose).

although like I said I agree with the OPs sentiment, I do think that the woman should be able to express her wants, needs, and timeline. It’s not all about pandering to your guys response: it’s about being honest about what you want out of life and true to yourself as well. 

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The difference between a conversation about timelines and an ultimatum is that ultimatums come with negative consequences.

So, “We’re so happy together that I’m wondering if you’ve considered getting married at some point in the future?” opens a MUTUAL conversation about timelines.

“I want us to get married. I’m giving you a year to propose or our relationship is over” is an ultimatum. There’s no mutuality about it. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  .
Post # 11
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

 

canadajane:  Definitely well said.  I personally think that the window for having children is what drives me to feel the need to put a date stamp on things.  If it weren’t for that I would not feel such urgency and end up using an approach that sounds more like an ultimatum. 

Post # 13
Member
8909 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

canadajane:  Um, no. Expressing when you would ideally like to be married, all other things being equal, is not an ultimatum. That’s called expressing your vision of your future to your partner. What is this, the 1950s? It’s a demanding ultimatum to even mention your preferences for your own future? 

If you tell him “in 3 years OR ELSE” – that’s an ultimatum. 

Post # 15
Member
8909 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

canadajane:  well sure, that would definitely be a crappy way to initiate a timeline discussion. But I don’t think women should be afraid to discuss when they envision themselves getting married and/or having children – especially, as was my case, when one had been with their partner for many years and is a little older (late 20s into 30s).

I do agree, it should be part of an open and sensitive conversation without demands. But if your guy is unsure of a specific timeline, I dont see a problem with saying “This is my ideal timeline, just fyi” without conditions attached and letting that stew a bit. AGain, especially for those who are a little older or in long-term (5+ years) relationships. 

 

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