Timelines and sticking to them!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FAisms:  I totally get where youre coming from but life doesn’t happen on a timeline we set for it. Just enjoy life and your relationship and let things happen naturally. It won’t be the end of the world if you start having kids a year later then your timeline. Relationships are about trust and you need to trust him when he says he wants to get married and it will happen by x date. Good luck. 

One of my favorite sayings is we must give up the life we had planned for the life that is waiting for Us. I think this really applies here.

Post # 5
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FAisms:  I know how hard it is, I have totally been there! Glad you’re working through it in therapy – that will be A big help! Life is so much more fun when you’re just enjoying the moment and not worrying about controlling the future (Which you can’t control anyways!) trying to be in control of things you can’t control always backfires against you – rrmembering that helped me let go!

Post # 6
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@FAisms:  I feel your pain, FAisms!!!!  Sorry that you are going through this.

I came to the bee about 9 months ago….3 months before I was turning 30.  I set a life goal that I wanted to be married with kids by 30….then I just wanted to be married by 30….and then I was hoping to be engaged by 30.  And then life laughed in my face!!  UGH UGH UGH.

I too was in a long relationship….6 years of my life and up until recently, I blamed the fact that I wasn’t married by my timeline on this.  You have to learn to let it go, or you will never be happy.

I have NOT stood by my timeline.  When you love someone, you are willing to change things about yourself as needed.  In my case, when I first started dating my SO he told me these things WOULD happen according to my timeline (we started dating when I was 27).  Then he didn’t finish school on time, one of his brothers had a ring for his GF of 5 years and was set to propose and for some reason this prompted the oldest bro to propose to his GF…and then get married.

LIFE got in the way of my timeline!  With that said, my SO and I still have plans to get married and have kids.  He’s finishing school soon, applying and interviewing for jobs, and we plan to move together once this happens.  It’s probably not going to happen for at least a year or longer!

I tell this story so I hope you can 1) relate to our similiar situations 2) be able to see how life CAN get in the way 2) make you realize that you are not alone in your anxiety!  and 4) realize that when you really do love someone and your life goals are the same, hard timelines are not a big deal.  

Look at it this way…he wants everything you want and he’s trying to give you timelines….but he’s not saying ‘I don’t know about marriage’ ‘I might not ever be ready’ or refusing to talk to you about kids.  Sounds like he loves you, shares the same goals you want.  Try to enjoy the relationship and be supportive.  I’ve seen a lot of women get engaged after a year or less and that’s good for them….just try not to be upset if it doesn’t happen that way for you.  Every relationship is different and unique and has it’s own story.

Hang in there and good luck!  Smile

Post # 7
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@FAisms:  Sounds kind of like what I went through when I first started wanting to get married to my man! Although my SO didn’t have a deadline for knowing whether or not he would want to marry a woman. 

Why don’t you wait a month or so (well into year 2 of your relationship) and have a serious conversation about marriage. During it, remind him of how you don’t want to be any older than 34 when you start having kids, and also let him know that you need at least a year to plan a wedding (if that is how much time you think you’ll need). Talk about it in such a way that brings out the fact that if you want kids before you’re 34, and if you are going to be engaged for a year, you need to get married within X amount of time. Sometimes guys just don’t think about these things!

I had this conversation with my SO, and it freaked him out, but we know we want to get married, and I am 80% sure the ring is in the house right now! So such conversations do eventually pay off.

Post # 10
Member
980 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you’ve found yourself an awesome man who is open and willing to discuss these things with you. I’m sure he understands your concerns and wouldn’t be annoyed or put off if you were to voice them again come next year, as was suggested above. I really don’t know how timelines work as I haven’t yet reached the end of mine! But I think you should be able to discuss things without fights or pressure if you are ever concerned things are going off track.

I agree with PPs advice that you should just try and take things as they come and not worry too much about sticking to a timeline if possible. The whole ‘waiting game’ became so much easier for me once I stopped worrying and just started appreciating my relationship again.

Post # 12
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@FAisms:  That sounds like a good plan– I’m glad he doesn’t freak out easily! that’s a good sign!

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