tips for bonding with someone you don't like

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@gingerkitten:  Hi

I have been in a similar situation. My husbands best friends now wife for some or other reason has decided she doesn’t like me. Hell she planned a evening out with all the other wives in the group with me sitting right there and excluded me. She decided she didn’t want me at her bridal shower, I was only invited to the wedding because my husband was a groomsmen and I know it. So I get where you are coming from. I lately decided to try be nice again, I now follow the kill them with kindness attitude. We will never be one on one friends (we are just too different), but we are civil and I try to be helpful and nice where I can. If they move to a new place I make a housewarming cake etc, those kinds of things I do for my husbands sake (I am not a particular fan of the best friend either). My husband knows how I feel but I can tell you now that he appreciates the effort I make. I’m not sure the effort makes her like me any more but it sure as well means my hands are clean.

Just be nice and yourself, try ignore the past and see what happens. I have learnt that the girl in my case is incredibly insecure in spite of being gorgeous. Worst case is nothing changes but no-one can accuse you of not trying.

Post # 4
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just be nice and civil and have an open mind. I don’t think you have to go out of your way to try and invite her to events or anything, but if you do see her when you are out, try and make the effort to have a chat with her, rather than avoid her like you might normally (totally understandably).

Who knows, she might actually really be changing and growing up. Either way, it will make your FI and a groomsman happy to see you make the effort and that has to be worth it. 

If she is coming to any pre-wedding events, be sure to go out of your way to say hello and thank her for coming, again, if nothing else this will make the important men in your life happy. Especially as, as you say, it doesn’t look like she’s going anywhere any time soon.


Post # 5
10840 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@gingerkitten: Don’t try too hard and forget what’s happened in the past, just be yourself.

Post # 6
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry, I thought about it and have more to add that really need its own post.

Topics to talk about: Ask her questions about herself, people love to talk about themselves and it makes them more comfortable with you. Plus, you might even find some common ground this way. If nothing else, try asking about what your FI and her BF were like in high school, you may even here some interesting stories.

Also, if it does start to go downhill, just be confident in the knowledge that you were the better and bigger person here, with an open mind and giving someone a second chance. You’ll come out on top either way.

Post # 7
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

The way I see it — she has her own insecurities; her telling you why she hates you would probably be: a) over something really embarassingly petty or b) she would feel vulnerable exposing herself or c) she likes to be right and would hate to be corrected on any misunderstandings.

Insecure people tend to hold onto grudges for really, really long time. The irony is that they are swallowing their own poison, expecting others to die of their hatred. It makes her feel justified, most likely. For some, it’s like their own reason to live. *shrug

However, if she continues to be hateful despite you being the bigger and better person (also more rational/logical/tactful), for her to continue disrespecting you would indicate the kind of person she is. Normally, if a person like that pisses me off, I would admit that I’m agitated, but if she has a problem with me, she should discuss it with me personally like a grown adult woman.

Just do really neutral things in public, like watching a movie or have coffee together — nothing that suggests that you want to be best friends with her. I wouldn’t invite a girl like that to bake nor cook with me. Nah-uh. My head would explode with personality conflicts.


Post # 8
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@gingerkitten:  I’d say, if she hates you for no reason she must be unhappy about something in her own life. Maybe she’s jealous of you being all awesome and special. Laughing

I had a boss once who was a total bitch to me for no reason. Twice she humiliated me in front of all my co-workers at an employee breakfast and a luncheon. Once I complained about these kids refusing to listen to me (I drove a school bus) and she told me then maybe I shouldn’t work there! I didn’t even have a response for that, I’d been 4 years at that job. She made me cry at least 4 times in 5 years. I was a good employee. Never called in sick, never took days off. Did my job, filled in for other people not showing up. After about 4 1/2 years she finally realized it. Heh. But she was a miserable person and I really don’t think she realized how nasty and condescending the words coming out of her mouth sounded. But in the end, when she finally decided I deserved some respect she was really a nice person. Her marriage sucked. Her job sucked. She was truly unhappy and she took it out on everyone else.

So try to take the personal sting of her behavior out of it and give her a chance to be a “friend”. Maybe don’t try to bond with her, but try to show her some respect (I know she doesn’t deserve it) and see if you get some back from her. Just so you can tolerate each other. Try to find some common ground.

Post # 10
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@gingerkitten:  If it were me, I think I’d wait for her to make a friendly overture, look confused, and tackle the situation head on.  “I’m a little confused.  It always seemed like you just didn’t like me for some reason or another, so I’ve kept my distance.  It’s nice that it seems like this has changed. :)”

I personally have a really hard time ignoring the elephant in the room in these situations. I like to get everything on the table.

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