Post # 1
haha okay so here’s my silly situation:
the night i got engaged, after we got back to the house, we updated our facebook statuses and i immediately got a call from the girl who i was maid of honor for about 2 years ago. we were close in high school but we grew apart over the next 5 years and now i only see or talk to her maybe once or twice a year – we live very different lives in different cities. so she calls and is immediately like “so i’m your maid of honor, right?” and, kind of taken aback that her first and only thought is claiming a spot in the bridal party, i just kind of mumbled something in agreement and said we should get together soon.
well, fast forward to the planned get-together weekend. she completely flakes, doesn’t call to reschedule or anything. i text her a few days later, waiting to see if she would call to explain, and she gives me some excuse about how she went on some last minute camping trip or something. now, i did everything for this girl when i was maid of honor – moved heaven and earth and did everything she needed knowing full well that when the wedding shoe was on the other foot, she’d still flake. so i told her that when she was free to let me know and we could reschedule our get together – that was almost 2 months ago.
i’m thinking that this situation is probably a blessing in disguise and gives me an out of this forced-upon Maid/Matron of Honor, right? I was planning on just not contacting her anymore (which isn’t really out of the ordinary since like i said, we rarely talk as it is) but i’m sure sooner or later she’ll pop up wanting to get in on the planning or something to assert her self-proclaimed MOH-ness. What do you guys think i should do when that happens? do i tell her i figured she wasn’t really interested because she never got back to me? do i “downgrade” her to a regular bridesmaid? should she be in the bridal party at all? since i was her Maid/Matron of Honor i feel obligated to have her in the party, but i just dont feel close enough to her anymore that i really want her to be. we dont seem to have anything in common but our past anymore.
Post # 3
I usually don’t think it’s appropriate to remove people from a wedding party but it sounds like she kind of weasled her way in in the first place. Still, it’s kind of a touchy subject and I’m sure you don’t want to come across as the bad guy or ruin your friendship with this girl. I would just let her know what you have planned and ask her if she feels like she has the time to make a commitment to you and your wedding, since you were hurt when she didn’t seem to make your meeting a priority. Tell her that you’ll need lines of communication open at all times so it makes you nervous that she didn’t respond to your messages after she missed your meeting. I think you need to give her the opportunity to prove herself first since, afterall, you did say that she could be your maid of honor in the first place, regardless of how inappropriate her asking to be it was.
Post # 4
First of all, how rude of her to call and say that. I’m sorry but that’s just as the title suggests, an honor (not a right). I’d say you should talk to her about it and explain how you were caught off guard, and gently talk to her about everything you just wrote (well, not the flakiness but the different lives, etc). If you want her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, you could ask her then but there are no “backsies” if you will on bridal party requests. Just because you were her Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t mean she has to be in your bridal party at all – maybe she could do a reading or be a regular guest? I don’t know, I just think Maid/Matron of Honor is such an important part that you shouldn’t feel obligated or weirded out due to her presumptious and rude behavior.
My 2 cents. 🙂
Post # 5
I agree with Bella Luna. Since you never really asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, I don’t think this is the same as other people who ask someone to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and then they grow apart over time. It doesn’t sound like you two are really close enough to even have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man but that’s just my opinion.
Post # 6
I think PPs are correct–you never really asked her, so it’s okay to let her know you’re going with someone else. I did want to throw in my two cents and encourage you to have a Maid/Matron of Honor you really want. I picked my Maid/Matron of Honor because she was the friend who would have been LIVID if I hadn’t picked her. Bad reason. I spent the year of planning thinking how much easier my life would be if she wasn’t my Maid/Matron of Honor, the week before the wedding she was awful and selfish, and we haven’t spoken since the wedding. It has effectively ruined our friendship and made several other mutual friendships really awkward. Plus, it’s not a fun memory to associate with my wedding when I look back at wedding photos. Don’t go through what I did! Ask someone you really really want to honor with the title and who you trust to be there for you.
Post # 7
I agree with all the PP’s. You didn’t really agree, you only said you two should sit down and talk. I would let her know that you’re going to have someone else be the Maid/Matron of Honor since she hasn’t contacted you. Let her know that you want to make sure you have someone who will be able to be there for you for everything, and not just when she wants to be there.
Post # 8
thanks, ladies! when she had called and claimed Maid/Matron of Honor it was pretty awkward and I’m sure she could tell I was hesitant to agree; like shastahun said, i told her we should meet and talk about it all. after that, she said “you’d better invite my aunt too” and i’ve only met her aunt once at HER wedding! what?? haha and then she said i should have the wedding in our hometown instead of closer to my family so that she and her hubby can get drunk and not have to drive far. uh… okay. this was all like an hour after i had gotten engaged too.
I’d like to ask my younger cousin to be Maid/Matron of Honor, she’s like a little sister to me but she’s away at college in Chicago (I live in OK). so while she may not be able to help with a lot of the planning and whatnot, I’ll just be glad to have someone who i know will be in my life forever standing beside me on that important day :]
when this gal gets around to getting in touch with me again, i think i’ll explain that since i didn’t hear from her and never got any response to my attempts to reach her, i figured she had backed out and explain my feelings about different lives and needing someone i can count on. ideally, she wont be in the bridal party at all, but i guess it depends on how she takes this – if she’s pissed and makes it about her, then forget it but if she seems like she’s willing to step up and make an effort to keep in touch – through this and beyond – then i might give her a chance as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 9
Personally, I think that it might be a bit harsh to remove her from the wedding party altogether–I’d probably “downgrade” her to regular Bridesmaid or Best Man, but then again, she sounds like a lot of work!
I’m more of a direct person, so I’d sort of tackle it head on as you seem to be doing and your response seems perfect, but you can also add in the excuse “You know, I’m really much more comfortable having a Maid/Matron of Honor who lives closer to me, given the amount of responsibility…” (Although that only works if your chosen Maid/Matron of Honor DOES live close to you!)
Post # 10
yeah i’m not trying to be vindictive or anything, i don’t have any ill will at all i just know how she is and because of that didnt want to strain our already weak relationship by putting us in a situation where she flakes when i need her most. since i didn’t ask her to be in the wedding party in the first place and only half-heartedly agreed to her telephonic demands, i don’t feel that bad about it. she jumped the gun when i didn’t really want her in the wedding party but i get that titles are important to some people and i know it would hurt her to say i dont want her in it at all. so really, it’s just going to be up to her and how she responds to the news. if she takes it as an attack and me stealing something that she feels is rightly hers then we’ll have a problem but if she owns up to her flakiness and can agree to make a better effort to be an actual friend instead of a long lost acquaintance then i think we can move forward and try to build up our friendship again with her as a bridesmaid.