- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
My Fiance and I attended his uncle’s (not legal, as they were legally married last year; this is his third marriage) wedding on NYE. We didn’t want to go in the first place (in fact, Fiance and I, his dad, stepmom, half siblings, and FI’s grandparents were the only family who came), but we went to support Future Father-In-Law if nothing else. It was held at a local Victorian-era historical house/b&b that the best man used to own and restored. I had a feeling it was going to be a hot mess, and it sure was! (This is supposed to be humorous; we’re not upset at all, as we expected this.)
1. Make sure there’s someone to direct your guests when they’re trying to cram into the small foyer area for the ceremony. Make sure this person isn’t your 17 year old daughter who is also a bridesmaid, standing at the top of the staircase they’ll be coming down, frantically waving several people to move over. This also should not be your best man, who uses the phrase, “MOVE. The performance is coming down the stairs!”
2. If you’re using your 80-something year old father to “officiate,” make sure he doesn’t call your new bride by your ex wife’s name. (Thankfully, only a few people in attendance caught that.)
3. As a guest, don’t show up to a 7PM ceremony already wasted, and then immediately hit up the serve yourself bar before you even take your coat off.
4. Also as a guest, don’t show up in a VERY short, very unforgiving skirt (no one needs to know what kind of underwear you’re wearing) and sandals in December, especially if you’re going to complain about how cold it is.
5. If you’re the best man, the speech/toast you give is NOT about you. It’s not a thirty second anecdote about how you and the groom met, followed by fifteen minutes about you, you, you, and oh, that statue over there with the eagle? I bought that in Atlanta for $5000 at an auction because my middle name is Eagle, and eagle this and that and did you know my middle name is Eagle? I’m a lawyer, you know. DID YOU SEE THE EAGLE IN THE FLOOR UPSTAIRS BECAUSE MY MIDDLE NAME IS EAGLE.
6. For the love of puppies, PLEASE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SERVING. If you want meal preferences, expect to be asked what the meals are, and be prepared to answer more than just, “Um…beef? Chicken, I think? Vegetarian?” The least you could have said was to look at the venue’s website.
7. If you have invitations (and please do), GIVE THEM OUT TO PEOPLE. When you bring a pile of them to Thanksgiving, don’t leave them on the table in front of you, and then grab them without a word when you leave. I don’t want to have to call Future Father-In-Law five times to find out when the freaking ceremony is (we found out the day of).
8. Don’t spend the entire evening looking miserable and not speaking to anyone (I’m looking at you, bride).
9. Please THINK about your room layout. Most of us couldn’t see you (the couple) during dinner (not much that could be done about that), and we were forced to move so that they could set up the cake in this awkward corner behind our table, again when the bride and groom wanted to cut the cake, and again when the caterers were cutting and serving. Thanks, I’ll just stand over here by the wall.
10. If you’re one of the servers, coming around to take dinner preferences, please know what the meal is. Don’t tell me that the vegetarian dish is “sauteed vegetables over rice or pasta?” and then bring me a plate of mushrooms and tofu with some rice.
10a. If you bring us butter and tell us that it’s for the “oven-fresh bread,” and then bring us cold, hard rolls (and no plates!), I’m going to be really pissed.
11. As the groom, your speech is not a time for you to discuss “how hard” the past year has been, and let that be the ONLY thing you talk about. Saying, “As many of you know, the past year has been very trying for us, but I am so happy that we have been able to lean on one another and come out stronger than ever” is probably enough. As I understand it, you’re supposed to be thanking people for attending and standing by you. It’s also probably a really good idea to thank the only one of your brothers who showed up and was in your wedding for standing by you and supporting you on your wedding day, as well as allowing you to basically take advantage of him, rather than pointing out some guy and his family you just met a few months ago and having them stand up so that you could…? I’m not really sure what that was about. Oh, and then he brought out the sous chef and the staff that he didn’t even know to thank them in front of everyone, while saying several times that they couldn’t afford the meals.
12. Probably not a great idea to let someone in your Bridal Party (who obviously doesn’t know how to DJ) be your DJ/MC, if they’re going to choose hardcore rap and dance in between songs and then forget to, you know, DJ.