Tips on dealing with momzilla…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I can understand where you’re coming from.  My mom can be controlling, and if I don’t agree with her on something, she acts like I stomped on her heart and crushed her feelings.  She gets very emotional!  It can be hard to deal with.

I learned (through my sister going through the same thing when she planned her wedding), I just have to be direct and blunt with her.  Sometimes she gets upset, but if I don’t, it creates more problems.  At first, I tried to say things the nice way and beat around the bush.  She took this as an open invitation to do what she wanted.

If I were you, I would leave your fiance out of it.  Don’t put him in the middle!  This is between you and her.  Just be direct with her, and only involve her when you need to.

Best of luck!  I know it can be hard.  Weddings are stressful, so I am sure your relationship will be better when it’s all over.

Post # 4
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@mrsflores14:  Can you give her X, Y and Z to work on? My mom started like that but through a few crying fights we ended up at a good spot.

But her Mom was a nightmare at her wedding. So much so that my mom ended up telling her “Look, YOU do the cake, Whatever you want and think is best, you do, you pay for it, anything you want it will be yours”

That wya my grandmother was involved, but my mom saved a few more hairs. It helped elivate stress since it was a “Look, I’m no tgetting involved in the cake, you don’t get involved with this”

 

Just a warning also… make sure all of your vendors know that any changes require YOU to sign off on it. My grandmother apparently changed the music and the catering for my Mom’s wedding….

 

Post # 5
Member
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Giving her some projects really helps. My mom drove me crazy during the first couple of months of planning. I asked other Bees for help and this piece of advice saved our relationship and my sanity. 

I gave her the invitations (she designed them, placed the order and tracked them), and my shower, and the DIY projects (she’s really creative). 

 

Post # 6
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I gave my mom some wedding things to do that I honestly didn’t care about and gave her the budget and told her if she went over, she’d have to pay for the rest of the balance. She did our invites completely on her own, choose them, personalized them, ordered them, addressed them. They turned out amazing btw, she really does have good taste, even if it isn’t MY taste. And she did go over the budget, and paid for whatever she went over. She was also in charge of getting the ringbearer and flower girl’s outfits and choosing my necklace and earrings. 

 

Post # 8
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mrsflores14:  reading i thought.. did i post this and forget… my mom is the same way.. THANK GOD my wedding is in 4 days 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mrsflores14:  After reading your update, you need to keep your mother out of the planning. Calling and threatening anyone and causing you to *lose your dress* are absolutely grounds for expulsion. Good for you for having a backbone.

My mother is very manipulative (like yours) and after some bad behavior from her last week I do not think I’ll be telling her when BF proposes…because she will ruin the entire experience.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You need to have a direct talk with her, and you father as well – he is enabling her behaviour.

Tell your mother that this is your wedding, and you’re no longer involving her in the process. Tell her she’s being unprofessional and immature, and that she can no longer be trusted with any task in the wedding. You just want her to show up and behave.
And ask your father to talk to her as well. He should be sticking up for you – your mom is in the wrong here.

I’d also call the salon and apoligize, even if they don’t offer me the discount anymore.

And contact all your vendors (tell future ones this, too) that they are only to take calls, emails, and change from you and your fiance. Ask them to put it in the contract if you haven’t signed one yet.

Sorry your mom is being so unreasonable.

Post # 11
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My mother was so controlling and unreasonable that we eloped.

She wanted an extravagant wedding so that she could show off. I wanted something intimate.

My mother wanted to pick EVERYTHING. When I wouldn’t allow that, she became belligerent.

 

Post # 12
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I feel for you so much, my mother is very similar and it does make the wedding planning more stressful than the stessfulness I was expecting.  Having been brought up with her I’m not very good at making decisions and being sure about what I want, as always if I have an opinion, if it’s not in line with her opinion then it’s clearly wrong.  She seems unable to comprehend the idea that having different tastes is not a dig at her.

I found, as someone said earlier, that giving her a project or an area of the wedding to be in charge of that you are not that worried about, can make them feel useful and get them off your back a bit.  I gave my Mum food.  She’s also making bunting. I don’t particularly care for buntting but she is obsessed with the idea and I figure I can put it up in the toilets or something and it gives her something to do that isn’t hasseling me.

Regarding talking to them and explaining, I don’t know about the OP, but from my side I found that wasn’t really an option.  I tried when we started the wedding to kick back and tell her to back off, it just ended up with her telling me I was a horrible person and then my Dad calling up and shouting at me for upsetting her and saying “well she’s always been like this, you know what she’s like and you just have to find a way to deal with it.” No support that maybe she’s the one that needs to change. 

If it helps, I’ve found that as the engagment has progressed she has calmed down a bit and is not as hard work now as in the early planning stages.

As some examples of what she’s done.

She was obsessed with a certain wedding venue, pushed us to book something quickly and would strongly argue about anywhere except this one place.  We ended up going for it, it is nice, but it is still fundamentally her choice.

When I was dress shopping, she would tell me that I shouldn’t have strapless because everyong has strapless, she found one dress she thought was lovely on my, but really wasn’t me and would not shut up about it, everytime I tried on a dress she would bring up the one she liked, she organised a dress trip to a really fancy boutique and made me try on these £3.5k dresses.  One of them was gorgeous and I loved it, but there was no way we could afford it, afterwards she was really excited about the trip but I was just sad as I loved that dress but couldn’t have it.  I finally got a dress I liked, she’s accepted it but wasn’t happy.

I designed some shoes on shoes of prey (a website she found) and excitedly sent her a picture of them, to which she replied with “yeah I don’t like those”.

Apparently she’s going to the venue this weekend, I found out from my sister, she has not told me, I don’t know why.

She doesn’t like the colour scheme

etc etc etc

 

So advice.

– Give her a task to keep her busy

– Where possible communicate by email as it gives you time to work out what you want to say.

– Qive her specific questions to answer rather than general opinions

– On areas you care about, I’ve found that slight self deprication works, for example “it may not be the most beautiful but I like it”. I’m not sure I’ve phrased that well but generally make her feel that her opnion could be better but it’s not what you want and so please let you do what you want.

It’s tough and I’ve found I’ve that I’ve given in more than I wanted to, I feel that she’s wanting it to be bigger and more classy than I want and as the OP said, don’t think she really gets the hang of budgets. 

This is quite long already and not sure what else to say, except good luck.

 

Post # 13
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I have noticed that these types of moms like to use money to control their daughter’s weddings.

When I chose an affordable elopement, it took the power out of my mother’s hands.

My mother does not like being left out of my life and she knows that is exactly what will happen, if she tries to butt in and control like she did when I was engaged.

I am glad she learned her lesson and isn’t trying to control my vow renewal.

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