(Closed) tired of anxiously waiting – venting

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: If he doesn't propose for our 5 year anniversary, what should I do?
    Discuss my disappointment with him. : (34 votes)
    92 %
    Give him an ultimatum. : (0 votes)
    End the relationship. If it hasn't happened by now, it never will. : (3 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    8042 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @MissChaiB:  I think that if he doesn’t propose on your anniversary, you need to tell him how you feel.

    You’ve been together 5 years, he knows you want to get engaged… it’s time. I would never stick around for 5 years hoping for a proposal.

    I don’t think it should all be left up to the man. If he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you by now, then how will he ever know?

    I think you need to have a calm, rational discussion and tell him something like “Look, you know I love you… but it’s been 5 years and I think it’s time we made the next step in our relationship. I hate to think of my life without you, but I want a commitment. You know what I want out of life, and I am not getting any younger… can we please set a timeline for when you will propose so that I am not crushed every holiday when a proposal doesn’t happen?” (or something to that effect).

    Post # 5
    Member
    2390 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    If you’ve set a date and are planning the wedding, aren’t you . . . engaged?

    Post # 6
    Member
    8042 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @MissChaiB:  No problem. You can’t wait forever. It sounds to me like he just needs a bit of a kick in the butt.. maybe not an actual “I will leave X date if you don’t propose”, but a discussion needs to be had for sure.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1966 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @canarydiamond:  +1

     

    You definitely neef to have the talk with him. Men don’t think the way we do sometimes you just have to lay it out for them. Nicely of course 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    1670 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Just talk about it and be open. If you’re planning a wedding, you are technically engaged but I 100% get where you are coming from because I am in a similar situation.

    My SO and I are already planning and are going to set a date and book a venue this summer. However, we are waiting to “announce” our engagement until I am able to fly out to his home country and meet his parents this coming winter. Then we’re going to do the ring and all that jazz and just have a miraculously short engagement (around 6 months) I don’t mind because I want to meet his parents before we’re publicly engaged, and he wants to tell them in person that he is planning on doing it. A formality yes, but I think it is nice.

    The only way this is working though is being completely open through the process. No teasing, no beating around the bush. I 100% trust him to follow through with our plan. Also, we’ve been completely frank with my parents about our plans as well (they have met him many times and are very excited.)

    How far into planning are you? Are you just talking about it or are you moving on to the booking stages?

    I’d say wait it out till the Anniversary, and then if it doesn’t happen then just sit him down and have a calm talk about how it is making you feel planning a wedding without knowing if or when a proposal is coming. He might not even realize.

    Post # 10
    Member
    401 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I didn’t vote because none of the options really fit what I would do in your position. 

    First off, do you think that HE thinks that your discussion a few months ago WAS a proposal?  Does he know without a doubt how important a ring and a real full-fledged proposal are to you?  If not, I’d say you need to have that conversation first.  Men can be pretty dense about things like that, sometimes you have to be super blunt and hit them over the head with it.  It’s possible that he just doesn’t realize that you’re still waiting for an official proposal.

    If that’s not the issue, I think I’d discuss my disappointment with him.  I would first ask him what the hold up is and try to figure out if there is something holding him back (finances, etc).  Barring a logical explanation for the delay, I would try to get a timeline out of him. I would discuss where you both see yourselves and your relationship a year or more from now.  If I felt that he wasn’t sincere or was just trying to appease me or was being noncomittal, or if his response to the discussion wasn’t what I was hoping for, I would probably walk away as hard as that would be to do.  After 5 years, I would think that you would know one way or the other if this is the person you want to be with.  When you want something bad enough you do anything you have to do to make it happen.

    If he told me that the ring/proposal is coming soon, I would say ok and try to patiently wait until then.  Then I would give myself a time limit, say 6 months.  Not an ultimatum, as I wouldn’t tell him or put further pressure on him.  But if August 31 comes and goes without exchanging vows, then that would be it for me.  I wouldn’t want to be with someone who makes empty promises.

    I wish you all the best and I truly hope this works out for you.  Good luck and keep us updated 🙂 

    Post # 12
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee

    Hey,

    I just wanted to say hang in there! I think the plans for your anniversary sound really promising and have my fingers crossed for you! If it doesn’t happen then, then a talk is def in order.  I’ve got a special date coming up too -let’s hang in there together and keep everything crossed!!!

    Lots of luck coming your way xx

    Post # 13
    Member
    1980 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @MissChaiB:  *hug*  I feel for you, I really do.  But if your SO wants to get married this summer, he NEEDS to make this happen and SOON!!  Holidays are awful for waiting bees and I would be really disappointed with anything in a jewelry box that wasn’t a ring (which is harsh but honest).

    A few of my friends were engaged over the holidays and one was married. I am happy and excited for each of them but I also feel like maybe I have done something…wrong. Clearly, the men who proposed to my friends realized this is who they want to be with, saved up, bought a ring, and proposed. I feel like I just didn’t have that effect on my boyfriend. If I had, then he would’ve saved up since the moment he knew he wanted to marry me…which was over three years ago according to him.


    This struck a chord with me- I have totally felt like this and while it is logical, love isn’t logical and I think it is really harmful to compare your relationship to others.  I will admit that I have the same thoughts and do the same thing sometimes (I actually thought the same thing last night when a friend of mine got engaged after 5 MONTHS!), and it is hard not to make the comparisons, but that in the end it is just hurtful for you.  I see no positive outcome coming from it.  So if you try not to do it, I’ll try too!

    Lovers Leap for your anniversary sounds promising to me, it really does!  I know it is hard, but maybe keep venting to the bees for these last two weeks and see what happens.  I really hope he comes through for you and gives you a beautiful proposal!!  (If not, then a talk is in order)

    Post # 15
    Member
    186 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I think the plan for your anniversary sounds promising too!  I feel your pain, I was with my guy for 8.5 years before he popped the question.  I would get the same questions you got about why he hadn’t done it yet and watched my friends meet, date, and marry guys in less time than we had been together.  Waiting is tough, but I always say stick it out if you really love him and know you want to be with him!  I think if nothing happens on your anniversary have a calm talk with him about what you want out of the relationship and then leave it at that.  Good luck!! 🙂

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