Post # 1
Hi Beehive! I need to vent. I can’t vent to my BM’s or Mom because they are all part of what I am venting about, and Fiance is too consumed with fantasy football to actually listen for 10 minutes (and one of my BM’s is his sister.)
I am SO TIRED of compromising on everything having to do with my wedding! I had to compromise on the venue because their preferred caterers list was out of budget. I had to compromise on the caterer because the style of caterer was out of budget. I have to compromise on plates and decorations and beverages… it seems like every little detail that I would like to have is just not acceptable for some silly reason or another. I only have 3 bridesmaids and Fiance has SEVEN groomsmen, and I’ve had to make compromises on that as well.
Every time I have an idea that I think would be just PERFECT for my dream wedding, it doesn’t work for someone (or the budget). Most recently, that has me all wound up, is the bridesmaids dresses. I found a dress. It’s perfect. It’s beautiful. It’s everything I could ever want in a dress and it’s the PERFECT shade of minty blue. Mom and one Bridesmaid or Best Man say it’s too expensive. (I understand $250 is on the higher end) So, I offer to gift each Bridesmaid or Best Man with a $100 gift card to help pay for the dress. (This would have been in addition to giving them each a very special Bridesmaid gift when the wedding gets closer) I’m not made of money either. Fiance and I are teachers, and no money was saved for the wedding prior to our engagement due to student loans. I thought this gift card idea would be fine, and settle it, and I would have the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses I am dreaming of. NOPE! Now Maid/Matron of Honor says no way will she ever buy a dress online without trying it on. The place that sells this dress is quite a distance away, and my BMs want to get togther IN TOWN to try on dresses… but we can’t travel all the way to that store. Bridesmaid or Best Man number 3 (FI’s sister) is mute during the entire emailed convo, but when i suggest I might start looking for a different dress in a different color that would be easier to get ahold of, she is all for it. I don’t want a different dress. or a different color. This is what I pictured, it’s right there online. It’s what I would really love for my wedding. Now I have to compromise on that too.
My BM’s and my family are all spread out across the state, so it’s not exactly easy to find a day to get together. I’m having a really hard time keeping everyone happy while keeping myself happy at the same time. And I want being a bridesmaid to be a good experience for my girls. They mean so much to me, and I want them to be happy. I get that they aren’t going to be as into my wedding as I am and won’t care about every detail. I feel like they are only seeing dollar signs, though, and not thinking about me, and how much time I’ve already spent thinking about everything before I go to them with my ideas. Honestly, to get the dress shot down so quickly wasted probably 36 hours of my time (ALL time spent searching) I spent finding it. I also worry that if I share my opinions or thoughts with BMs, they are going to think I’m having “Bridezilla” moments all the time if I’m not always cheerful and upbeat. (this has happened.)
I’m just feeling very put-out with the whole thing. The only wedding detail I have not compromised on is my groom, and I don’t feel very supported in my vision for the wedding.
Thanks for reading. I’ve don’t all this ranting, now I’m scared to ask… advice?
Post # 3
Buy the BMs’ dresses yourself. Tell them you are buying them, they are wearing them, because this is YOUR wedding and you want THAT color. End of story.
Post # 4
These budget issues are things every bride and groom, indeed every adult, face. I would have loved to have my wedding at Fenway Park (where the Red Sox play) but it wasn’t in the budget. So I found a place that was.
About bridesmaid dresses – its ok to be bummed that the dress you like isn’t in their price range, but you really need to talk to each of them individually to find out their budgets, THEN start looking. If you find something over someone’s limit, you should pay the difference. Yes, as bridesmaids they buy the dress, but as a bride you need to be respectful of their finances. Its also understandable they want to try it on – online sizes and real life sizes can be VERY different, and I’m sure they’d rather not buy something and then have to return it (and pay extra postage to return and get a new dress).
About the wedding party – you decide # of bridesmaids, he decides # of groomsmen. Period. They are his friends, so it is his decision.
Post # 5
Realize that compromise is a part of life, and a *huge, essential* part of marriage. Learning to do it through wedding planning is a key skill as you prepare for the important part – the marriage that you hope will last the rest of your lives.
It’s also good to get into the habit of calling it OUR, not “my,” wedding.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
No matter what happens with the dresses, or the caterer, or the plates, just remember that it is ONE day, and you already have one thing you’re not compromising on- your fiance! And at the end of that one long, expensive day, that is the one thing that matters.
ETA- but go ahead and vent! at least venting on the bee means no one’s feelings get hurt
Post # 7
This sounds like a really frustrating situation.
I suppose if it were me I’d focus my attention on something I could actually have some control over. Feeling like everything is out of control SUCKS. And your bridal party doesn’t seem like the place to start…because people are difficult and have their own needs/wants/perrogotives etc.
Maybe find something you can control and have exactly as you want it…maybe it won’t be a big ticket item like the venue but it might help you feel better.
Post # 8
@KCKnd2: I think you read me wrong… and I don’t want to come off as a self-centered kind of person, so I feel like I should clarify. I said “my” wedding because it seemed appropriate when discussing issues I am having personally, that had nothing to do with my Fiance. I was just venting… I would hope no bride to be would ever call it “my” wedding when talking to her fiance!
Post # 9
Ditto those who have said that compromise is a part of life. If all the things that are so important to you are being eliminated due to budget you always have a choice to find a way to try to make more money, or have a longer engagement to have time to save. That’s partly why Fiance and I are having more than a 1.5 year engagement to ensure that we can have the wedding we want without having to compromise. We’re getting all our vendors well in advance and are making sure to save up a lot over that year and a half so that we can have the wedding we want.
As for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, I think your BM’s are being a bit unreasonable. Part of agreeing to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man is to wear whatever dress the bride chooses, within reason. I’m assuming the dress is neither the ugliest dress nor super expensive (especially given you’re offering them $100 towards the dress and the dress is only $250)nor are they so horrid or revealing that they shouldn’t be worn in public. I haven’t been to a wedding yet where I’ve looked at the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and thought “Oh that’s cute, I would totally wear that again if I were a Bridesmaid or Best Man in that wedding!” In fact pretty much every wedding I’ve been to in the last 5 years my thoughts on the dress was “Ugh, that’s ugly, glad I’m not a Bridesmaid or Best Man in that wedding.” It seems to be pretty much a part of being in a wedding party.
Post # 10
@icetea: Thank you, that’s a good idea and I’m already feeling a little better.