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I just have to vent for a second here. It seems like ever since FI and I got engaged, people want to tell me how stupid weddings are, what a waste of money they are, etc. Normally, I don't let it get to me because the most important people in our lives ARE supportive, but I'm starting to get a little tired of casual aquaintences, work colleages, and even some relatives unloading all of their wedding gripes on me.
The other day, at a work luncheon, my colleages spent the whole time either telling me how stupid weddings are or bragging about how little money they spent on theirs and saying that anyone who did any different was a wasteful fool. Clearly FI and I see the value in throwing a wedding, or we wouldn't be doing it, so what makes them think it is appropriate to unload all of this wedding hate on me? Also, I make it a point to not discuss my wedding with work colleagues, so they really have no sense of what I am planning, other than that I am planning to have a ceremony/reception. I'm getting a little fed up.
Ok, vent over. Thanks hive :-)
here's is how i think of it, the wedding and reception is going to be the biggest party that we ever have. ( and its about how you love and that you are celebrating being together for the rest of your lifes) its not about the money all the time. at the core it is a couple that want to share their love with their friends and family
Actually I was somewhat of the same opinion until it was time to plan mine! LOL
One of the best things about being an older bride is that I no longer care what most people think any more! So when I wanted a wedding DESPITE being older and DESPITE it being marriage #3, I went on ahead and just did it!
It's your day to celebrate your way and the amount of money you spend is your business!
Actually I was somewhat of the same opinion until it was time to plan mine! LOL
One of the best things about being an older bride is that I no longer care what most people think any more! So when I wanted a wedding DESPITE being older and DESPITE it being marriage #3, I went on ahead and just did it!
It's your day to celebrate your way and the amount of money you spend is your business!
Thanks for the kind words & input.
Most of the time, I just brush it off and figure that we're doing what we want to do and what feels right to us to celebrate our marriage. While we are spending money that could be used elsewehere, we're also sticking to the budget we decided upon and we're happy with that. So I really am comfortable with our choices, but I think it was just really piling on this week with my colleagues being especially negative and judgmental.
don't you just feel like saying "Cool! guess i don't have to invite you to my obnoxious wedding!" or "boy, I'll pass on an invite t any of YOUR parties!"
LOL
The way I've looked at it is that the people who are saying this to us are actually a little jealous mostly because they've been people who chose to have smaller weddings and spend money elsewhere. I just tell them we've decided to spend our money on this, the same amount if not actually less than they've spent on things (like having a baby right away, or buying a house). It is very frustrating still to hear "why are you spending all of this on a wedding and not a house?" but I go with the idea that it's none of their business. (And ours have at times been people close to us, even one or two members of the bridal party)
This is jealous. Are these girls, single, with no boyfriend? Or married, but had a very inexpensive wedding and is jealous when she hears about your details.
Let it go. Don't let these comments bother you. In the end, they have nothing to do with your wedding day.
I have gotten this constantly throughout our engagement. CONSTANTLY. It's become a real sore spot with me. Yes, weddings are technically unnecessary to marriage, and yes, a lot of the expenses involved are somewhat frivolous and/or indulgent. However, TONS of things that people spend money on in our culture are frivolous and/or indulgent. Like....practically everything, really. People like to have nice things, do nice things, enjoy the pleasures of life. I have never had my financial choices freely commented on/critiqued until I got engaged. It drives me nuts.
Here the top 3 comments I've gotten. And by top I mean rudest:
3.) Woman at a professional development conference for my job, who is a stranger to me but overheard me discussing my wedding with a friend and leaned over and said this: "Okay, you know what? My sister had a $40,000 wedding last year and is divorced already. Think about THAT."
2.) Close family member, being told I was in Pittsburgh doing some planning stuff: "Tell her I'll give her a thousand bucks cash if she calls the whole thing off right now and goes to Vegas."
1.) Another close family member: "I can't wait until you wake up the morning after your wedding and realize what a huge mistake it all was."
Phew. Felt good to get that off my chest.
Well, honestly, I do kind of think they are a waste of money... but I'm still having one and I'm going to enjoy the best waste of money of my life! :) Don't let them get to you!
I think we all get that. Mostly from people who already have had their stupid/waste of money wedding. There are certain things in life that are worth celebrating and this is one of them. That's why all cultures do it and have been doing it for centuries. The only thing I have learned is that it's really tough to do on a small budget. I'll make sure my children spend even more money:)
Thanks all for your input. I'm sorry that we all have to deal with this issue!
@Mrs. Louboutin, in this instance, it was a variety of colleagues including a young woman who got married three or four years ago w/ an inexpensive brunch reception (which I think is totally FINE and lovely, but not what I'm doing), a couple of married and single men, an unmarried older woman, and a middle aged man planning his first wedding. They all have their different baggage, I guess, but I'm just over their opinions about what my wedding should be like.
The other thing that really annoyed me was that they all kept assuming that my FI must think a wedding is stupid too and that he wouldn't be into it or interested in planning it. They kept acting like he must be soooo miserable since we're planning a wedding. Honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth. He likes planning and has done a lot of work. When I casually said, "Actually, FI has been very involved and is happy to help plan" they all acted like it couldn't be possible and like I must be very controlling of him if he was helping.
I am lucky, I guess, because we haven't gotten a lot of this from our close friends/relatives...ok, a few relatives here and there, but by and large, the people we care most about have been great. They're all excited that we're "finally" (their words) getting hitched after five years :-)
i think weddings are a HUGE waste of money.
and i cannot wait for mine.
I think weddings are ridiculously expensive! I have wavering feelings about my wedding because it is costing more than I wanted to spend. But I also know we'll never do anything like this ever again. I also think about what we could do with the money (ie. down payment on a house). What gets me down is when my FI mentions it AND when his parents constantly say how expensive it is when they aren't even giving us a cent! I just want to scream, "SHUT UP!" haha, okay, that was my vent. But I still can't wait for my wedding and seeing all my hard work come together! :)
I got this a lot too.
It was a mix of what you stated, and "I don't know why you are wasting so much time and energy on this, no one will notice".
To someone who is a bit of a perfectionist, it was hard for me to hear either one. Ideally, wedding celebrations would be cheaper, but its an indusrty. It is what it is. We were only doing this once & we went for it. If we had a little more money, I would have picked a much fancier reception location, but its probably the only thing I would have changed.
You are allowed to be proud of your wedding. I actually think that not only is this jealousy, but some people's way of saying that they don't want to hear about it. Every time someone said this to me, I stopped talking about the wedding around them so much.
People can be rude. Ignore it and keep going!
I totally agree that weddings are ridiculously expensive! Our original budget was definitely less than what we are now planning on. I wish it weren't the case, but we've had to make some choices that feel right to us. And I guess that's the bottom line...we're doing what works for us. I just don't get the need some people feel to judge other's wedding choices. *sigh*
I've heard so many of these things, too. They make me sad. People can have their own opinions, but how is my wedding hurting you?
I personally agree that overly lavish weddings would be a waste of money to ME. But that doesn't mean I have any right to tell you what you should or shouldn't value! If you have been dreaming of a fancy wedding for your whole life, then by all means have your dream wedding! We should all have the right to throw the party of our lives if that's what we're hoping to get out of the experience.
I feel guilty having my parents and in-laws shell out money on unnecessary things and even with our very simple wedding, with the economy the way it is and with an infant whose daycare takes up almost half of my income...I'm strapped for cash too. So to someone in MY situation...going all out seems wasteful and too much to ask of our families. But you're probably in a different situation.
The thing with weddings is everyone has their own dream or vision for what they want, and if you have the cash to recreate every little detail you have been envisioning, you have every right!!!
@quickiebride, the thing that really gets me though is that we're not even having a very lavish wedding. It will be a cocktail/dinner reception and it is costing a bit more than I initially estimated, but we're sticking to a budget that we're comfortable with. We also cut a bunch of small detaily things we initially wanted so that we could stay within our budget. And we're paying for most of it ourselves since neither of us feels that our parents should have to. I guess I was just feeling like some folks (my colleages in particular) think that weddings of any variety are a waste and want to share that view with me on a regular basis.
In thinking about it, I think our biggest cost comes from the fact that my family is HUGE and of course, the guest count determines a lot of the costs. But my family has been through a lot of tough times, and I think it's important to celebrate happy times together too, so I really want to include as much family as possible. For me, it's worth the extra costs to inclulde them in our celebration. But I know not everyone is in the same situation with a big, close family and not everyone wants a bigger wedding (heck, in theory, I'd ideally love 50 or so people, but we're likely going to have 150).
People will always have something negative to say. Just ignore those naysayers!
It's so hard to know where to draw the line with guests! We can only seat 110 at our venue and there are way more people I'd like to invite (or that are inviting themselves). I do not think your wedding sounds like a waste of money at all! It sounds to me like the important part to you, just like me, is having your big family all together and show them a good time. Ignore the naysayers!
I'm in the same boat as you. My FI's coworkers repeatedly hound us both about how it's a waste of money, that we should save our money not get married (just live together) that way there won't be a messy divorce. We can just split.
These people are all part of +50% of people who are divorced. I don't care if you got a divorce so why do you care if I get married? I too am very tired of hearing this.
My sister and brother in law couldn't afford a big wedding so they did JOP and now they are trying to rain on our parade. Telling us to save our money and blah blah blah. I'm almost to my snapping point, I fear I will say something I can't take back to all these people.
Sorry about the little vent.
This happened to me too! We heard all sorts of negative comments on nearly every aspect of our wedding. I just don’t get why people were so incredibly rude to us, and some of those people were our closest family and friends.
My only conclusion was that weddings are a subject that nearly everyone has an opinion on and for some reason they feel the need to share that opinion no matter how inappropriate it is.
My advice is to ignore and deflect all negative comments and questions. After a while, these people finally get the hint and will leave you alone.
And btw, its not just one day. Its the first day of the rest of our lives!
I think that people feel they can interject their opinions for ANYTHING!! it is rude and insensitive to say the least. As my fiance says, weddings are a celebration and we are going to celebrate. I love him for that. Do and spend what you want and enjoy your day.
How to respond to rude people...you can't, because they would not understand. You can cross them off your guest list. LOL
My mom makes comments all the time and it drives me INSANE!!! She says things like "well, Christine wants everything perfect.. sooo... " and "I know you are spending way more than you sisters every would, but that's because you want a princess day" First of All.. NO I don't want a princess day, most of the moeny we are spending is for food and drinks for our GUESTS... and I have never wanted to be a princess or centre of attention in my entire life! FInally, I snapped at her one day and said, go ahead, find me a caterer for cheaper, find me a photographer for cheaper... if you think I am being frivolous and extravagant, go for it... she agreed. About a week later, she came back, apologized and has not made a single comment since then.
I had to stop talking about planning my wedding because of comments like you mentioned. It was rather annoying. But on the bright side, it helped me cut down on my guest list. I figured people who thought my wedding was a waste of money, didn't want me "wasting" my money on them. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
I've heard this as well, very often, and I am somewhat of the same opinion.. but at the same time, people can do whatever they want. If that means spending xxx amount on a dress or venue or whatever, so be it. It may not be the choice that I would have made, but that doesn't matter, because it's not my wedding :)
@Engaged_With_Love, don't be sorry about the mini vent :-) That's what this thread is for! :-) I'm sorry your coworkers sound just as "supportive" as mine.
@TwinkleToesJMU: I hope you're right about them taking the hint :-) My coworkers can be somewhat dense about stuff like this, but from now on, I am avoiding wedding talk with them or just ignoring their strong opinions.
@DeaconBride, you and your FI are so right about the importance of celebration! Life is hard sometimes, so the good stuff is worth celebrating! Also, you're so right about people having opinions about everything. I'm sure if I ever have kids, I'll just *love* everyone giving me opinions on how to raise them ;-)
@cecullaton: Sorry about your mom! But I'm glad she started to realize how tough this planning can be! My mom is a little out of the loop too, and totally didn't realize how expensive photography is. I had to explain to her why I was choosing to hire a pricey photog, since I've always been extremely into photography & sentimental about pictures. For awhile, she totally didn't get it, but I think she has come around.
@baldor1: I like the way you think!!! :-)
@sassmeister: That's how I tend to feel about other people's choices too! Wish everyone felt this way about mine.
@octopus: Those comments are SOOO RUDE! I can't believe your family said two of them. People are damn bold, I'll tell you that -- do they share such unfiltered opinions when other family members have a big purchase, like a car? I'm betting not.
@quickiebride: That's the struggle, for sure! Family is so important, and I believe strongly in the importance of celebrating the good stuff together. It's hard when there are so many people I'd like to include, but I also feel blessed to have this "problem." :-)
@octopus : It's true...some of those things people said to you really take the cake. I can't imagine why people think these are acceptable things to say to someone!
My parents keep telling me how stupid it is to have a wedding at all. Easy for them to say, they already had theirs!
I was actually in tears about this today. Our families have grasiously offered to help out with the wedding (a good thing, b/c otherwise there wouldn't be one), but even so, they constantly drop hints about how we are not making the financially responsible decision to have a wedding at all. And we're not talking an extravagent affair- we're trying our best to keep to a budget. I think the most frustrating thing is that they act like we haven't considered the pros/cons of the wedding vs. saving for a house/etc. Of course we have! It would be great to bank all of the money, but a wedding is not something you can redo later in life (at least not hopefully, and not with the same fiance:), and we'd like to celebrate with our friends and family. This process is far too stressful in and of itself to deal with people's criticism too!
OK- sorry for the rant, but I really needed that.
@astrochick & jenny8283: I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing!
@astrochick , I really hope your families come around and let themselves enjoy the celebration!
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