(Closed) Tired of other ppls opinions

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@memmielee:  You’re getting these reactions because it sounds like you have a good, rational head on your shoulders….and *alot* of other people wouldnt if they were proposed to. They cannot understand why you arent stacking wedding magazines on your desk or texting them pictures of your centerpieces…because that’s what *they* would do.

Weddings (not even BEING in one, just being AWARE of one) do crazy things to people, like your friend who blocked you for not asking her to be a bridesmaid. There are women out there that think that was a perfectly reasonable response…the same kind of women who would un-friend a person that couldnt make it to their 3 showers and 2 bachelorette parties.

Keep focused. You sound like you have your shit together, and congrats on your engagement!

Post # 4
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@memmielee:  I think as a general rule, a lot of people don’t start buying wedding stuff (like dresses and expensive shoes) until they have a date locked down. Maybe people are just surprised by that, but I’m sure they aren’t meaning to be rude (they are your friends afterall, who have your best interest at heart).

I noticed in your post you said you are less uncertain about your future. Maybe that is also why those close to you have reservations? Perhaps they knew you were uncertain before and they want to make sure you are making the best choice. Some people also see not setting a date as not being actually committed to getting married.

I agree a house is more important than a wedding. I would never waste money on a wedding, and we already have a house. I can never understand when people let wedding expenses get in the way of reaching their day-to-day and long term goals. I’m glad you aren’t doing that. However, you said you’re sick of people’s opinions, but it’s like you’re asking for more opinions here? 😛 So maybe you don’t want to hear all that.

Post # 5
Member
2381 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

After we got engaged, my Dad sat us down and asked if we’d rather have money towards a big wedding or for a down payment on a house.  We both instantly answered “down payment”.  He jumped up, did a little dance, pointed at my Mom and said “Hah!  I was right!  I KNEW they were sensible!”  She was hoping for the big wedding, but she got over it. 

Not everyone is irrational and gushy.  And there are still those of us that do not feel the need to overshare every itty bitty detail of the wedding to everyone we’ve ever met.  I didn’t know I was supposed to get hysterical about this crap until I saw one of those crazy wedding shows.  There’s no shame in communicating with your fiance in a rational way and being a calm, sensible person.  Learning to smile, nod and say “Hmm, interesting.  I’ll keep that in mind.” when you have unwanted opinions helps too. 

Post # 6
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry you’re getting so frustrated but I totally understand you’re dilemma.  DH and I had a 2 year engagement!  Not necessarily by choice, but life kept getting in the way which caused us to move the date a few times (Thank God we hadn’t sent out STD’s or invites!).  I would get the question ALL the time about when the date was and my response would be, “We have a few dates in mind but haven’t settled on one quite yet.”  Total BS because we didn’t have any idea of when we wanted to lock in the date haha!  Finally, last December, we decided that there was never going to be that “Perfect” time and sat down with a calendar and chose April 20th.  It.Was.Perfect!  So even though you’ve got a million voices trying to give you advice and tell you what you should do or that “so-and-so did it this way…” etc., just rest assured that you and your FI have a tentative plan and you’re working towards that big day 🙂  It was frustrating for me at first, too.  But eventually I was able to just smile at them and say, “Yeah, we’re doing things a little differently than most, huh?” Just own the “weirdness” of it, talk about your future nuptuals with confidence and conviction and slowly but surely, it will become less and less annoying 😉  Hang in there!  Before you know it, you’ll be married and people will be asking you when you’re going to have babies!! o_O

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Seriously, you sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.  So, you know any of their “concerns” aren’t really grounded in reality, just word vomit on their parts.  This wedding planning has taught me, over and over again: most people aren’t AGAINST you, they’re just FOR themselves.  Which means, most of the comments you’ll get are just their own neurons tickling themselves.  I used to get the most random drillings from co-workers – WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAKE??? – and it seemed so random until I realized, oh, they saw a cake earlier today so now they’re trying to make it my problem too.

Your relaxed pace sounds awesome.  Just stay on top of the stuff that does need to be booked a little further in advance (venue, pretty much) and you’ll be fine.  You do you!  

Post # 8
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

As long as it doesn’t bug you or your FI, then I don’t see a problem in giving yourself as much time as you need to save. FI and I will be engaged for about 14 months by the time our wedding comes along, and the reason why we chose the date we did was because it was the weekend closest to our anniversary. 

As a PP said, people get crazy when it comes to weddings. I think I had my entire family/workplace/friend groups whatever drill me with questions about EVERYTHING for the first 2 months of our engagement. I think it comes along with the territory of the uncalled for advice. They think it’s their job and their right. 

I got my dress way early too. My only worry is the amount of alterations I’ll need when it comes closer to the date. 

Post # 9
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@memmielee:  They probably think they are being helpful. You seem to be level headed and reasonable about enjoying the process, but I think some people interpret that as nonchalance toward getting married. We set a date a few months after getting engaged but I was taking my time with the planning because we still had over a year to go. Plus the wedding itself is just not that important to me in the grand scheme of things. Some people around me mistook my calmness for something else and were getting themselves all worried about me. I had one lady ask my mom “Does she even want to get married?” Umm duh lady, but who in their right mind wouldn’t pace themselves with over a year to go!? When people act stank about the way I’m doing things I remind them it’s my wedding. And when people offer unsolicited relationship advice I let it go in one ear and out the other…specifically if they’re coming from a bitter, resentful, or just plain ignorant place.

Post # 10
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MariContrary:  “He jumped up, did a little dance, pointed at my Mom and said “Hah!  I was right!  I KNEW they were sensible!””

I think I love your dad, lol. That’s awesome.

Post # 12
Member
18 posts
Newbee

[comment moderated for trolling]

Post # 13
Member
1728 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I don’t think in your case it’s the fact that you’re having a long engagement, but that you’ve been engaged for half a year and you still don’t have a date set – usually that’s among the first things people lock down. And, from an outsider’s perspective, it is unusual to hear a date still hasn’t been set after so long. Statistically speaking, even, the longer you go without setting a date, the less likely it is the marriage is ever going to come about. That’s not a guarantee – but often when couples resist setting a date, it’s a sign they’re avoiding something – whether they’re consciously aware of it or not. I am not saying that’s true in your case, but it is often something that other people think about.

You’re already under a lot of pressure, apparently. My best advice for getting others to shut up? Don’t tell them any details about wedding planning, your relationship, etc. If someone asks about your wedding or having a date, a firm, “We are still working on things with the wedding. We’re both extremely busy with our jobs, but once we get things worked out, we’ll be sure to tell you right away” should do. It makes it clear that the topic is not up for discussion, and that they will be notified if and when things change.

 

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