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I agree with you. Family especially, but friends as well, seem to view engagements as open season for criticism. Actually, even the pre-engagement period was hard for us: I think it starts with the "when are you getting engaged?" questions, and continues right on through to the ring criticism, wedding criticism, etc. It sucks!
Ugh, tell me about it. FI's mom put the guilt trip on me heavily today. It's just that people have an opinion about everything, and usually the people with the worst opinions are the ones always feeling entitled enough to speak them. So sorry you're dealing with this, but stay strong! You're happy and when your wedding is over, they'll end up moving on to criticizing other people... :/
I hear ya! It seems like once that ring is on the finger it opens the floodgates for everyone's opinions on your wedding, relationship, marriage, etc. When someone starts criticizing my wedding to no end I typically look at them and say "does that mean your rsvp'ing no?". That typically shuts them up. Or I pretend to take their advice and then completely ignore it. They'll never know until the wedding at which point it's already too late. :D
I feel for you. But I can offer some advice--don't tell people any details! Truely, no one knows the details of my wedding except for my mom and you bees. It all started with when I wanted Olive green as a wedding color and everyone told me how gross they thought it was (ugh, have you no vision, people!?). After that moment, I haven't told anyone a thing! Keep things on the down low, and you'll be happier. Come up with a standard response for people whn they ask for details. eg:
relative/friend/coworker: So tell me, what are your colors? What flowers? What's your dress like?
me: Oh gosh, there's so many different elements to our wedding. Some things are very traditional, some things are trendier. I'm just including everything we love! It should be a great day!
Then change the topic! It works like a charm. ;)
I think all of us soon to be brides go through this at some point. I just want to let you know though that whatever you do, no matter how expensive and extravagant your wedding is, no matter how intimate or how big it is, people are still gonna find something to talk about your wedding. No matter how carefully you tread and accommodate people, you are bound to step in people's toes. I think it's human nature. We all have different tastes and expectations so there really is no cookie cutter wedding that will fil all of us. I think that you just do what you want, however you want your wedding to be. In that way, you are spending your money in something that YOU AND YOUR FI are happy about. Don't let it bother you because you are just gonna feel so bad about your choices if you listen to them all the time :)
Good luck!!! *hugs*
@virginia: Love that response. Please allow me to "reuse" it LOL!
@Msgthoney--Glad I could help! The day I realized it's best to not talk about my wedding to people, the easier and more enjoyable planning became!
We have had to let a lot of things roll off of our back with our wedding. The good thing is that me and FH are totally on the same page with regards to the wedding planning, and that is what matters most!
We tend to reply "You have already planned your own wedding/You will have your chance to plan your own wedding one day - so leave our wedding up to us". It is a little rude, but tends to shut people up pretty effectively.
Every once in a while we get the "people will think that is rude/tacky/weird etc" ... we just tell whoever says that to get the people complaining to call us directly and will we explain our point of view to them.
It helps that we planned to cover the entire event ourselves (my parents have now offered to cover catering, but at this point the guest list and big decisions are already final, so we know the offer is string-less).
Thanks everyone! It was nice to vent a little and I'll be using all this great advice!
much love!
Virginia KUDOS to you
We tried involving others and keeping them abreast and then they attacked with words and eye rolls and suggestions. I have never offered a bride an opinion or a mother of a bride UNLESS it was "asked of me"...
I am appauled. I am disguisted with the STRONG suggestions people give the daughter and then say "It is your wedding do what you like" then 2 days later they are laying on ideas again.
Part of me smiled as she put her foot down with all including me last week....
GREAT WORDS VIRGINIA:
me: Oh gosh, there's so many different elements to our wedding. Some things are very traditional, some things are trendier. I'm just including everything we love! It should be a great day!
Then change the topic! It works like a charm. ;)
I haven't really told people details of our wedding, mostly because I don't know them all yet, but I am tired of people making suggestions or talking about it NON-STOP with me. What's really annoying is when people who aren't invited ask questions. I mean, if I open up that discussion, I feel like I need to invite them when I reaaaaally don't want them there. So I've been avoiding the conversation entirely.
@Tampa--I'm glad I can help. I understand how frustrating (and hurtful!) people's opinion's can be when youre planning a wedding. My own bridesmaids pressured me out of using Olive green! I was so bummed. Hasn't happend since though...! and when people really push the envelope (which some do!!)--I just say "you know, we really want people to be surprised!"
@KM I know what you mean. It is so hard to avoid those conversations though...
I am so with you - we are having a more traditional ceremony (in a church), and then a more modern, 'after party' at a lcoal restaraunt. I got quite a few... 'looks' from people (including other vendors like florist, etc). like OMG you aren't having a RECEPTION? What about DANCING? What about the bouquet/garter toss? What about a CAKE!? Um, we are both terrible dancers and would much rather have a nice after party with the people closest to us (so we have more than 5 minutes a table to see people and can't eat a bite of our own food, etc). No bouquet/garter tosses, just not our thing. Cake? YES PLEASE. :) That we will certainly have. I agree with those who have said just don't talk about it with other people because they will judge you (as soon as some people hear our main colors are black and white, they flip a lid - like my grandmother who called it 'morbid.' Whatev.).
All I can say is this - keep your head up. It will be fabulous! :)
Bella
You should read my "need to vent" post I just put up. I know what you mean. I kept a lot to myself and my fiance for that reason. We are not having a wedding party and yet I still couldn't side-step everyone and their 2 cents, when they're not (financially) contributing to the wedding. It is YOUR day, do NOT let these people get you down. We are doing a lot of things people don't expect, and it's because some folks don't know how to think outside the box. Good for you for knowing your budget and that a "biggest ring possible" isn't your style - if anything you can always get something else down the road, if you wish. But it's about YOU and YOUR MAN! Don't forget that!!! (As I'm reminding myself with my own countdown)
I'm getting the same thing. Criticism because we want a big formal wedding instead of a simple, casual one. Everyone is different but your wedding is about YOU (meaning you and your FI) and what YOU want. I would very politely (or not) tell them that you appreciate their opinion, but what you have planned is very much what the two of you want and that you are not planning to please them and their taste.
YES x10!! In my wedding planning i have definatley learned alot about people that i thought were my friends. It started when we decided not to invite one of FI's aunts (she made a very rude remark saying that we will never make it past 3 years because she didnt with her ex husband...WTF??) so she was crossed off the list...well as it turns out FI's grandmother, cousins, basically all the relatives from his moms side of the family are calling US,, including FI's mom, liars and saying that there is no way that aunt would say something like that. Welllll, she did....so they arent coming. so whatever...THEN we talk to a couple other relatives and they say "oh yeah, we'll TRY to make it", Oh yeah, its on a long weekend when no one works...I dunno, i guess though the whole thing, i have really been shown who we mean something to and who is really important to us. It really weeds out the ones that dont care.
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Has anyone else noticed that you find out alot about people when you plan a wedding? I've had so many people wrinkle up there nose about my ideas for the wedding that its annoying. It first started with my e-ring. I dont really like diamonds and it just wasn't practical to have a huge ring (im a nursing student). What I'm most excited about is our wedding band (I want a plain silver one with engraving on it!). My poor ring was criticized to no end! I was told I should have held out for "the biggest ring possible." I felt so horrible because I think my ring is perfect! Then it moved on to how our wedding is going to be. My Fiance and I are planning a very simple, intimate and casual wedding. Thats just how we are. As soon as I tell people that its like I killed a puppy or something!
It really hurts especially since some of these people that are acting this way are my friends. I think you should do whatever makes you happy whether it be an offbeat wedding or a traditional one! I have one friend who is also wedding planning and she is going the traditional way and she still catches crap from other people! We always talk about it and she's been an amazing support person!!
I'm a very positive person but its begining to bug even me! Sometimes I feel like screaming to them "It's MY wedding, when you get married do whatever YOU want to do."
Has anyone else experienced this? Why can't people just be happy for you?