To add 'and guest' or not to 'add guest'

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If they don’t know anyone other than you at the wedding, I would invite them with a guest. Otherwise, I think you’re ok inviting them on their own if you know for a face they are not seeing anyone.

Post # 3
Member
7197 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You will probably get varied opinions on this one. The etiquette seems to vary a lot by region. 

Some people say every adult should be given the option of a guest. Some people say you only need to invite married, engaged and living together partners. Others, like me, sit somewhere in between, and say you should invite every partner, but single people don’t get a random “plus guest” (just like if you were meeting up socially). (So if I was in your situation – and in fact I was – it’s fine to not give your friends a “plus guest”).

You might do better asking other people in your area (like family members or friends), to see what’s most appropriate in your area / culture; rather than asking on the internet.

EDIT: Another point is whether they know other people. If they’re part of a group of mutual friends, they should be fine. If they know no one else, it’s a nice courtesy to give them an option of a date

Post # 4
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I was having the same predicament too!  And CaroBee’s suggestion was exactly what I’d thought to do too.  The folks we’ll be inviting without +1’s are folks that always show up to our friend-events solo, who will know most of the people there.  But I have just one co-worker to invite and although she’ll fit in, she doesn’t know everyone, so +1 for her. 

Post # 5
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not extending a +1 to everyone. I only invited +1s if they were actually in a relationship. We didn’t have room for more than that.

The only situation where I would have considered going against that would be if I had a friend who knew no one else there and wouldn’t enjoy themselves otherwise. I didn’t have that situation though.

Post # 6
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

No, you don’t have to give them a plus one.

Post # 7
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

Susied71:  you only have to give them a guest (not a +1) if they identify themselves as in a relationship – regardless of how close you are with the SO and they get invited by name.

A true +1 isn’t ever necessary, and there’s nothing wrong with inviting these two as singles however if they between now and then get into a relationship, you may want to account for that possibility and budget the potential for a date.

Post # 7
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Susied71:  I only gave and guest to single friends who were travelling from interstate and/or didn’t know many people at the wedding. That’s generally how it works where I’m from though.

Post # 10
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Susied71:  If they are close friends, maybe you can ask what they would prefer? I know in my single days, before I met my DH, I preferred to go to weddings alone instead of having to deal with the pressure of finding a date, especially when I knew other friends of mine would be there to hang out with. 

Post # 11
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m giving a couple of people +1s even though they are single, only because they won’t know anyone else at my wedding and that’s just not a good feeling…. 

Susied71:  I think you’d be ok if you didn’t give them a +1. If they know each other and half of the table, that means they won’t be alone all night. They’ll be ok without a date. Invite your friends from childhood

Post # 12
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee

Formal etiquette is actually entirely clear on this subject. Not only does proper traditional good form allow you to invite your single friends as singles (which they are), but in fact it forbids you to use “and guest” on any invitation. A formal hostess is not supposed to invite anyone that she does not know.

Do not get the impression that formal etiquette is thereby cutting you slack and giving you an easy out. Since you may not invite anyone you do not know, and since formal etiquette requires you to invite the fiances and spouses of anyone who is engaged or married (including any who are living together as presumably married), formal etiquette places on you the social obligation of getting to know your friends’ significant others. And in the case of single friends, formal etiquette places on you the obligation to design your guest-list and seating plans, and to pay attention to the millieu on the day of your party, such that your single friends have pleasant table-mates and are included in pre-dinner conversations and after-dinner dancing despite their not coming accessorized with a “plus one”. You may need to break off something you are involved in, to go introduce them to some other guests, or to prompt some gentlemen to ask them to dance — that’s part of the responsibility that goes with the privilege of being the hostess.

Because people, even people whom you do not know, deserve to be treated as people and not as accessories. And the minimum courtesy to a person, is to address him by name. So if you decide that you don’t want the responsibility of designing difficult seating plans or having to make introductions and you want your single friends to have an escort, then you do the following: You ask them if there is someone they’d like an invitation for. You get that person’s name and address from them, and you write that person his very own invitation as a single person. You find a chance, somehow, to meet that person, even if only in the form of a note of introduction. And then you send him his own invitation at his own address, or hand his sealed  and addressed invitation to your single friend and ask her to pass it to him.

And that way, since no-one gets a plus-one and single people are invited alone and by name, you stay in control of your guest list and can treat each individual situation individually. Which is very gracious of you.

Post # 13
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

For save the dates etc we invited everybody individually unless they had an SO (however they determine that- we aren’t judging based on length of time together), they wouldn’t know other ppl at the wedding, or all the ppl they would know at the wedding would be coupled up. Besides that, we’d let bridal party or immediate family bring guests if they wanted to regardless.  There’s also nobody who asked who we denied a guest. 

it turned out that since it’s a destination wedding w my Bach party the days beforehand and about 1/4 of the wedding guests attending my Bach party, a bunch of my gfs decided to save money and/or have built in child care by making it a girls’ trip and not bringing SOs or dates. 

We tried to know all names before invites went out, but where that wasn’t possible since our invites went out pretty early, we at least found out all names for escort cards/favors, placecards, and thank yous. 

out of the 120 max who could attend our wedding, about 6-8 ended up being add-on plus ones who weren’t invited SOs. Most of those ppl aren’t coming tho- maybe 4 or 5. So imo you don’t have to give plus ones in your situation, but know that you’ll probably get a few plus ones or new SOs added over time. 

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