Post # 1
Can you tell me how to not see it as a big deal? I’ve been lurking around the boards and noticed there are many bees who don’t mind that their SO uses porn in their relationship (whether together or solo), going to strip clubs or any of those fantasies in the grey zone (not cheating but involves getting turned on), and I envy you for being able to do that.
I am a super jealous person and I do know it’s a problem. I have starting counseling but I feel like it’s easy for the conclusion of each session is for me to “let go” but hard to actually move forward. My SO is also compromising and we will meet in the middle.
Right now, I am trying to get into a new mindset that is ok with these (in moderation). I would like to hear from others why these activities don’t bother you so I can try to be a more understanding. Thank you for sharing!
Post # 3
I’ll openly admit that I’m still not totally okay with either of these things. For us, it’s not a big deal and has never been an issue because we got into a relationship so young that he never developed those habits or had single guy nights, but I know for a lot of people it can be an issue. For me, I became a lot more confident in our relationship once we had been together for longer. Seeing the commitments that he genuinely wants to make to me – that he tells me he loves living together, what he said when he proposed, how excited he is for our marriage – all lead me to not stress over the “little things.”
It used to drive me crazy if girls would hit on him. He’s a really friendly person, and clueless to flirting, so even though he talks about me, girls would still try to give him their number, invite him out, etc. I hated that for the longest time because I was sure that he would realize one of them was prettier, smarter, etc. But I have a lot more self-esteem now and I’m much more confident in our relationship. I’m not sure I can put into words what changed, but I’ve realized that he’s fought for our relationship every step of the way, and I don’t need to worry about some other girl screwing it up because he won’t let that happen.
Post # 4
I think for me at least, I’m fine with either because I don’t feel particularly threatened by these “other” women. I know that (a) my Fiance loves me (b) I’m friggin awesome in comparison to anyone else and a total catch (c) these women are just doing their jobs and aren’t really interested in much other than they money they are making. My Fiance and I also consciously try not to have too much control over what the other does — like if I want to go out dancing all night with the girls and get hit on by other men, it doesn’t bother him either!
From you saying that you are a jealous person, maybe it is a partial self-esteem issue for you. If you are confident in yourself and your relationship, it is easier to let go and let your man have his fun. Either way, it sounds like you are communicating and are headed in a good direction!
Post # 5
I’m so sorry that you’re having this struggle right now. First, I really think that there’s no “right” way to feel about the issue. Some people really just uncomfortable with it, and that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. I don’t really have much experience with the porn aspect of things, but in terms of strip clubs, I don’t really care about my Fiance going. For me, it really just comes down to the fact that I trust him completely, and I know 100% that he would never do anything to betray that trust. On the flip side, he doesn’t ever worry about me going out and drinking with my girlfriends, or even just another guy friend, because he trusts me the same way. I know it sounds really simplistic, but that’s really what it comes down to for us.
Post # 6
I have no problem with any of the things you listed, unless it becomes a substitude for me!! I would have a problem with my Fiance watching porn or masturbating if he was using it as his only “outlet” and leaving me out of it. I would have a problem with my Fiance and his friends going to strip clubs if he spent all our money there… however, he doesn’t do any of those things.
My Fiance goes to a strip club a few times a year. Once during the summer at a work conference, once during fantasty football picks & if he’s going to a game or a concert w/ certain buddies- he goes with. A few of his friends have been married like 10+ years & want to go to stripclubs any chance they get (everytime I hear Brad, I know). My Fiance is a very go with the flow kinda guy & he never makes the plans, he just goes along with them!
I don’t have a problem with it because he is open & honest about where he’s going & what they’re doing. I know my Fiance & what he likes… and he makes light of the whole stripclub experience, etc. His attitude towards it has put me at ease. If he were always wanting to go by himself or on a regular basis, maybe I’d feel differently. I just trust my FI & I see it as a chance for him to hang out with his college/work buddies that he only sees a few times a year…
I know that none of the strippers are going to go home with him… he really doesn’t have that much game! I’d be more worried about him meeting someone at the grocery store than at a strip club!
Post # 7
@lilyfaith. I used to be VERYYYY jealous and nag when other girls hit on him or if in a conversation he said something along the line of “oh I which so-and-so you’re talking about, you mean the beautiful red hair girl right?” or if he said some stars were “sexy”. While we were dating there were other girls eyeing him, or his ex still contacting him I’d always try to “get in the way” not letting anyone close. He was annoyed because he said he wasn’t flirting or responding. One girl grabbed his phone and put in her number later I yanked it back and erased it. Yes I was pathetic I know…
Post # 8
My fiance is one of those guys that female friends can ask him the truth about a guy, their outfit or whatever and he’ll give them the truth. One of the things I love about him! He goes to strip clubs seldomly so it’s not a big deal for us. He told me what really happens there… and no it’s not sex! It’s about a fantasy… something different. He gets a dance then comes home to me. He was telling me, if a guy wanted to cheat on his girlfriend or wife, the guy wouldn’t go to a strip club, the guy would just go to a bar or club where there are plenty of women willing to hook up. Out of curiosity I went with him once to a strip club and wasn’t this dirty sleazy place and we had a nice time. Now, I’m not gay or bi or anything like that but would take seeing female strippers over male strippers any day.
The thing is if you are jealous you’ll always be jealous. I don’t get jealous very often but usually it’s when a regular girl is flirting with my guy… not a stripper. They’re just doing their thing to pay the rent or whatever their story is. I have married friends that don’t allow their spouse to watch a movie with a certain actor because they get jealous. So, it’s really finding the balance of what makes you and your partner comfortable. To each their own!
Post # 9
@rplatzer, I applaud you! That is the exact relationship my SO really wants us to be in. It’s more I control and set rules up and get mad that he doesnt agree or follow them all.We talked about self esteem but the conclusion was I’m leaning towards the need to be in control. My SO trusts me with going out alone, hanging/chatting with guy friends and would not question what I do when he’s not around but he was pretty disappointed I could not give that same trust back to him.
@Lili316, I agree there is no “right” way to feel and I think I’ve gone through stages of “stop that or I’m walking” to trying to at least hear him out. We have different views about things and I understand he’s not doing that to hurt me, it’s just something he enjoys and feels like it’s not “wrong”.
@Recession, at first I felt it was a substitude for me so I was very pissed. But even when it’s not, I found that I still am struggling letting go. In our “talks” I said I felt mad because he was getting turned on by other women and finishing off with them (masturbation) so he agreed to not “go solo”. For some that might be asking a lot and I should have been satisfied but I still felt mad when he continued to watch porn even without masturbating so we “talked” and it came down to me having issues with being controlling. As for strip clubs he willing gave that one up.
Thank you for all the comments!
Post # 10
You mention porn and strip clubs in the same sentence, but I think of those as two very entirely separate things. I have no issue with pornography because it’s really just a movie or magazine – I see no reason why I would get anymore worked up about that than any other particular piece of media. A strip club, on the other hand, involves an actual woman. I don’t care if he’s paying for it, I would really feel like it’s cheating. And I am not cool with that, anymore than he would be okay with my being in a similar situation with a man.
Post # 11
@cinnamon roll, oh I never though of it that way, now since you mentioned I find it interesting. I guess for me porn is watching other people have sex and then masturbating -which I feel like theres alot of fantasy going on in your mind…virtual cheating maybe? Strip clubs don’t the ladies just dance on a stage in a very erotic way? I’m still bothered with both I don’t know which one bothers me more though.
@cpgirl2000, yeah I get really jealous even over a fantasy. I don’t want to be that way though. I know he’s not physically cheating but I hate when his mond has the chance to wonder.
Post # 12
I’m fine with porn, mostly because it’s not “real” and I know that I don’t satisfy every fantasy and that’s ok with us, as I know that we would both rather be intimate with each other than with anybody else. I’m only ok with strip clubs because I know he would never go without me and the only time we even considered going was simply because they had free prime rib on amatuer night and all you had to buy was a drink (soft drinks counted). We didn’t end up going, but if we did I wouldn’t have cared if Fiance was interested in looking at the women as it is their job and how they make a living.
Post # 13
I really have no problem with either. I know my Fiance so well and I know that he is very uncomfortable at a strip club. (we have been to one with a large group of friends which was more fun and games with our friends) Even if he went with a bunch of guys it would be more about the guys night out. Then he would call me to tell me about all the ridiculous things that happened.
Porn is not realistic… its not like he is going to sleep with the girls on the shows.
One thing I have learned that being jealous is your own worst enemy. Men completely turn off to nagging and jealousy and find it very unattractive.
I know that this sounds harsh and I am sorry if this was post was too harsh. Good luck with controlling the green monster.
Post # 14
i’m okay with them because i watch porn and would go to a strip club. with porn- you really don’t focus on the person, just the action. with strip clubs- i’d worry if it’s an every week/every month thing… but once in a while? fine… guys like seeing boobies. haha. my advice is… try to experience these things with your bf.
Post # 15
For me, I allow my Darling Husband to go to strip clubs because I myself have gone to one with the Darling Husband. (well we were dating at the time and we were in the city and the guys wanted to go. I said sure.) Yes, I felt completely uncomfortable but I saw that these girls dance for you. They are not trying to steal your boyfriend.
When my Darling Husband goes to the stip club, he’s not there to pick up women. He’s there for entertainment. There is not emotion attached, he doesn’t leave there thinking that he is in love with a certain girl.
Early in the relationship I was mad but my opinion changed when I went to one. I have told the Darling Husband that I would be mad if he requested a certain girl every time. He doesn’t go that often maybe 3 or 4 times a year and he doesn’t go by himself. It’s almost always is with another friend.
Plus, I have been to a male strip club myself and I think it is so much fun! I love going with my girlfriends. Maybe that’s another reason I’m fine with it because the guys that dance for us- I have no feelings for them. Yes, they are attractive but that’s it. Would i want to have sex with them… nope. Would I want to kiss one of them.. nope. I know that I would never go to the back room because they have no boundaries back there. I know my Darling Husband doesn’t go in the back room either… it’s just asking for trouble.
That’s my reason why I’m ok with my guy going to strip clubs.
Post # 16
My problem with porn and strip clubs is that they are basically marketing women as products to be consumed. Yes, there is porn for women and male strip clubs, but women on display far outnumbers that. It is all about dominance over women and women’s bodies as a product for male enjoyment. That doesn’t fit into my value system. While I am not worried about FI’s loyalty, it bothers me that he would want to participate in these things because I think they are morally wrong. Just like anything else I object to, I voice my opinion clearly, but in the end he is entitled to his opinion as well, and we try to have a rational discourse about it.