Weddingbee boards

Can you tell me how to not see it as a big deal? I’ve been lurking around the boards and noticed there are many bees who don’t mind that their SO uses porn in their relationship (whether together or solo), going to strip clubs or any of those fantasies in the grey zone (not cheating but involves getting turned on), and I envy you for being able to do that.

I am a super jealous person and I do know it’s a problem. I have starting counseling but I feel like it’s easy for the conclusion of each session is for me to “let go” but hard to actually move forward. My SO is also compromising and we will meet in the middle.

Right now, I am trying to get into a new mindset that is ok with these (in moderation). I would like to hear from others why these activities don’t bother you so I can try to be a more understanding. Thank you for sharing!

I think for me at least, I'm fine with either because I don't feel particularly threatened by these "other" women. I know that (a) my FI loves me (b) I'm friggin awesome in comparison to anyone else and a total catch (c) these women are just doing their jobs and aren't really interested in much other than they money they are making. My FI and I also consciously try not to have too much control over what the other does -- like if I want to go out dancing all night with the girls and get hit on by other men, it doesn't bother him either!

From you saying that you are a jealous person, maybe it is a partial self-esteem issue for you. If you are confident in yourself and your relationship, it is easier to let go and let your man have his fun. Either way, it sounds like you are communicating and are headed in a good direction!

@lilyfaith. I used to be VERYYYY jealous and nag when other girls hit on him or if in a conversation he said something along the line of "oh I which so-and-so you're talking about, you mean the beautiful red hair girl right?" or if he said some stars were "sexy". While we were dating there were other girls eyeing him, or his ex still contacting him I'd always try to "get in the way" not letting anyone close. He was annoyed because he said he wasn't flirting or responding. One girl grabbed his phone and put in her number later I yanked it back and erased it. Yes I was pathetic I know...

@rplatzer, I applaud you! That is the exact relationship my SO really wants us to be in. It's more I control and set rules up and get mad that he doesnt agree or follow them all.We talked about self esteem but the conclusion was I'm leaning towards the need to be in control. My SO trusts me with going out alone, hanging/chatting with guy friends and would not question what I do when he's not around but he was pretty disappointed I could not give that same trust back to him.

@Lili316, I agree there is no "right" way to feel and I think I've gone through stages of "stop that or I'm walking" to trying to at least hear him out. We have different views about things and I understand he's not doing that to hurt me, it's just something he enjoys and feels like it's not "wrong".

@Recession, at first I felt it was a substitude for me so I was very pissed. But even when it's not, I found that I still am struggling letting go. In our "talks" I said I felt mad because he was getting turned on by other women and finishing off with them (masturbation) so he agreed to not "go solo". For some that might be asking a lot and I should have been satisfied but I still felt mad when he continued to watch porn even without masturbating so we "talked" and it came down to me having issues with being controlling. As for strip clubs he willing gave that one up.

Thank you for all the comments!

You mention porn and strip clubs in the same sentence, but I think of those as two very entirely separate things.  I have no issue with pornography because it's really just a movie or magazine - I see no reason why I would get anymore worked up about that than any other particular piece of media.  A strip club, on the other hand, involves an actual woman.  I don't care if he's paying for it, I would really feel like it's cheating.  And I am not cool with that, anymore than he would be okay with my being in a similar situation with a man. 

@cinnamon roll, oh I never though of it that way, now since you mentioned I find it interesting. I guess for me porn is watching other people have sex and then masturbating -which I feel like theres alot of fantasy going on in your mind...virtual cheating maybe? Strip clubs don't the ladies just dance on a stage in a very erotic way? I'm still bothered with both I don't know which one bothers me more though.

@cpgirl2000, yeah I get really jealous even over a fantasy. I don't want to be that way though. I know he's not physically cheating but I hate when his mond has the chance to wonder.

I think your background with some of these things plays a part. I grew up in a 'country-ish' area where all the guys went to strip clubs, it was just the accepted thing. When I was underage I even went a few times too because they would serve me drinks (for reasons unknown to me they love having non-stripper females in strip clubs.) I had a lot of guy friends and brothers - so in my little slice of the universe it was just this accepted boys will be boys kind of thing. 

In a weird way I think a strip club is the last place you have to worry about any real cheating - those girls are there to get paid only, they've seen it all and they're only interested in tips, and there are very strict laws about nothing 'real' happening. 

But back to your original post, I know you mentioned you are worried about feeling jealous. For me, jealousy is not really an issue. FI has to be gone for weeks at a time on long business trips, often overseas, he has his boys-nights-out plenty often. It just doesn't bother me. BUT...I am super-sensitive. One little comment is enough to make me pouty for the next 30 minutes. I know it's terrible but I can't help it! My point is, we all have little things in our relationship we wish we could change - it's only human!

I'm fine with it only because I trust my BF 100%. In the past, I have had BF's who I didn't trust, and although I never said, "No porn! No stripclubs!" I was still uneasy with it.
ETA ----- It's an industry. Those girls are just trying to make a living the same way you are, the only difference is their business is sex. They're not trying to steal your boyfriend/FI/husband away from you, they're just doing their job. Now, that's not the same for ALL the girls, but that's where the trust in your SO comes in to play. If for some reason there was a girl trying to get to him, if he is committed to you, it shouldn't be an issue; he should just be able to walk away.

As far as getting turned on by porn or by watching girls dance, I don't see an issue with that either. To me it's the same as checking out a hot guy or girl on the street. You see something you like, so you look more. Everyone does it; me, you, and your SO. Someone decided to make a business out of that, and voila, the sex industry.

I look at it this way, if you tell him not to do it and he really wants to, he will go behind your back and do it. I don't want that so I encourage my boyfriend. In fact, we go to strip clubs, read Playboy together, AND have used a little video if you know what I mean. I'd rather have that be a part of "us" rather than him feeling like he has to hide it from me. To me, it's all in good fun and I'm completely comfortable with it. Humans are sexual creatures by nature, and our sexual tendencies are innate; try to control his sexual desires and it might backfire.

I would like to say on my final note though that this is just my personal opinion. My relationship is also different from yours with different dynamics, and how you choose to handle the situation is up to you. There is nothing wrong with disliking it, it's just who you are. However, if you don't like that you are uncomfortable with it, then maybe try being a little more open to trying new things, or even talking to him about why he likes it. Maybe it can become something you do together. I guess what I'm trying to say is be a little more open minded. Best of luck! :)

Thank you for all these insightful comments. First of all, nothing is too harsh so please be as open and feel free to express your opinions as strong as you like. I surrounded by people that unconditionally side me, pat me on the back therefore it took me a long time to even come to see the problems that I have regarding jealousy and controlling.

@Toffee, @Ms.Caniche, @peterpotamus, it was very helpful for you to mention that porn is “not real” and the focus is the action. @Ms.Caniche please don’t worry, nothing is too harsh. I was actually hoping someone in here would give me a slap on the face and get me to my senses.

@yrret107, @Dolly, I’ve never been to a stripclub, maybe that’s why my view on it is very negative.

@danielle, @babyboo, I like what you said about voicing your opinions but allowing him to be entitled to his own opinion. I think that’s something I need to work on more.

@MsGoodfella, thank you for sharing your friend’s story. I’m sorry to hear about it though. I do hope on all lives of those strippers are as sad as that.

@Circus Peanut (your name makes me so nostalgic, I used to LOVE circus peanuts!), I agree we have things in our relationships that we’d like to change. I guess what I have found out through trying to communicate and counseling is that I have TOO many things I want to change and that without the change I can’t be happy.

@carrie, thank you for your kind words! And like a dagger through the heart, you hit the point right on. What you said is what I am going through.

“trying to control whether or not he ever has a fantasy, thinks about someone else, etc, is so incredibly futile. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to regulate what goes on in his mind, and I think it will just ultimately be incredibly frustrating for you both.”

@RenoRose, that’s very true and what has been happening. Instead of being open he will just have to hide and lie-which is a sucky relationship!

@LadyGoodman, It’s strange because I think I trust him but I still don’t like that he goes against my wishes when I said “no porn, no strip clubs, why can’t you just do it?”.

@Mrs.DG, thank you for your kind words and encouragement! I really hope I can get past this, more so for the sanity of myself in understanding I can’t control everything in life.

I think that the negative slant given to the sex industry in the US is due largely to our puritanical roots. I think it helps to remember that the people involved in sex work are doing just that: work. They don't want your man and likely have one waiting for them at home.

On another note, wrt men and sex, they are biologically hardwired to be controlled by their uh...little head. Many do a good job of controlling it but if we were to have a viewing window into their brains, we'd be mentally exhausted in 5 minutes. FH says "Your fiance thinks about sex roughly 10x more than he admits to you."

Of those trillion times, he's going to get turned on, even just by thinking. A lot of times, he won't even be thinking about you (ask your fiance about his spank bank). So yes, someone besides you is going to be turning your man on, a lot. Once you come to terms with that, its easy to dismiss whoever else is turning your man on. Bonus: You get to reap the benefits of his arousal. This is where incorporating porn into your sex life comes in.

Finally, there are bigger fish to fry than how your man gets his rocks off and I think this may be something you learn about once you get into the thick of a marriage. Honestly, when you start thinking about how you're going to afford the new place you need because your current place isn't big enough for your child thats due next month or how to deal with your mans depression after losing someone close to him, porn and strip clubs become less than the least of your worries.

Here's my 2 cents on this situation. I will admit--I didn't read everyones posts so I apologize if I repeat any other posts.

Personally..I have no issue with my BF going to strip clubs.  I've even given my BF a $20 when he goes out with the guys for a lap dance.

I've had this discussion with my BF in the past, the 2 of us (and this is just our mutual agreement on this situation and does not mean to offend anyone) agree that if a man is going to a stripclub and cheats on you with a stripper/dance/whatever the PC term is these days...he was going to cheat on your no matter what.  There woud've been another way for him to do it.  There was something else going on in the relationship to make him stray. 

I whole-heartly love my BF, he does the same to me. I trust him and our relationship that he would not cheat.  I think its sexy when other girls oogle my BF when we go out because at the end of the night...they see him walk out with me :)  I've had girls try to pick-up my BF right in front of me.  I don't get mad at him or her--I just laugh about it bc I am secure enough.  Again...I think its funny that after a few minutes of him talking to this girl, he kindly explains that hes with me. 

Personally, if he did things like that a lot, I wouldn't be with him because I'd always feel inadequate, but if he does it every once in a while (i did find a porno in his possession once!) it's no big deal. I mean...even girls get curious...

virtual cheating? come on! like you never imagine a hot guy nude! am i right? maybe you have some insecurities to deal with...you have to love yourself!! i hope i'm not overstepping my bounds in saying that, but i feel that you wouldn't be SO concerned if you felt secure...or maybe you ARE secure, but don't realize that that means you have nothing to worry about...

good luck finding some common ground with your man, tho. it will be OK!

@Maybee, Thank you for your support and understanding. I have voiced a lot about my feelings on these issues and I haven't really budged from my standing point since day one.

I do try to think that if it's a battle worth fighting for though. I don't want to use up my ultimatum cards up so I thought it would be nice to hear from ladies from the other camp as well to get a better idea:)

@pren, thank you for sharing your opinions. What you said is very true, at the same time that I feel my SO is disrespectful by still watching porn after I said I didn't like it, my SO feels like I am disrespectful by nagging him about something he feels is normal (and not obsessive) and actually telling him what I allow and don't allow in his private times.

Over time and with some help I have gotten better with handling SO and his female friends. I do still get pissed when he comments on people he thinks are attractive but I keep it inside instead of giving SO a hard time about it....hopefully I'll be getting to a more confident place and won't be bothered by the "little things" so much!

@kcasam, I think I'm trying to compromise with SO what "a lot" or "too often" means. And I hope to get some insights from other ladies although I'm sure each person's definition is different. If I found porno in SO's possession only once and that was it  (like you did) then maybe I could easily get over it.

haha no you're not over stepping your bounds. I tend to think and care too much about what goes on in my SO's head when he looks at porn...is he imagining he's having mind blowing sex with the girl on the screen? When I nagged more about it he tried to explain he doesn't even care nor know what goes on in his head it's just something he watches and helps with "self love".

I find it difficult to accept that my FI looks at porn. I think he would occasionally go to a strip club if the opportunity arose, but he doesn't really have friends that like to do that right now. The way I handle it is to not obsess over it. When I think about it, it does get me a little upset, uncomfortable. But I know that it is just something that a lot of men do, and again -it isn't instead of or above me. Still it is hard to think about. I told him once that it would make me uncomfortable for him to go to a strip club, and I think he was surprised - because we honestly just don't talk about it, and I just don't obsess about it. But now that he knows,  I think he will try and be respectful of my feelings. 

That's the best i can recommend. Be respectful of his feelings: this is what many guys do, they think it is natural and do not want to be told that their urges are unnatural, so bugging and nagging all the time may make them uncomfortable. Just explain your position and ask that he be as respectful of it as he can.

There was a very long and heated debate about strip clubs awhile back, and I'm going to refrain from a long discourse about why I'm OK with strip clubs since it's in the other post.

As for porn, I wasn't thrilled about it at first, but I got over it because the situations in porn are so unbelievable that it's sort of comical.  

Then I saw "I Love You Man" and found it really strange that Paul Rudd's character masterbated to a picture of his fiance.