Post # 1
To all those out there who found themselves in a situation where they felt their Future Mother in Law is trying to live out her dream wedding through you…how did you deal with it, and far how did you let them take it? Were you surprised to find yourself up against your FMIL more than your mother?
It’d have been easier if it was MY MOTHER doing this because we’re used to arguing with each other and hashing things out…but with it being my FMIL…it’s an awkward passive aggressive dance (but each of us is well meaning and just wants the day to be beautiful).
Post # 3
I would nicely say “I appreciate your suggestion. It’s a really nice one. However, I’ve had my heart set on xyz.”
Post # 4
@GFerg: What about when they whip out the checkbook to get it changed? I was so surprised, and she was so insistent on doing something “proper” that I said yes…part of me is regretting that and thinking I should have stuck to my guns and paid for the whole wedding myself like originally planned (well me and the FI). Because now there is a terrible feeling every time I say that I don’t want something…I’m REALLY not being overly picky I swear I just want the decor and all the other stuff to just be within a rustic (non seasonal) theme…I never imagined it would be this difficult with such a broad theme to work within
Post # 5
Another option: respond to her suggestions with “Let me think about that.” It acknowledges that you are taking her suggestion under consideration – yet it also implicitly emphasizes that the decision is yours to make.
Post # 6
@Merrymarbles: You’d think it’d be easier if it’s your own mother but it isn’t. Lucky me, I have both a FMIL and a mom that are doing this. I find it much easier to say things like, “I’ll have to talk to X (my FI) about it” or “I’ll have to see if that’s in the budget” to my FMIL. My mom on the other hand, just argues right back with me.
In fact, I just had to design a whole different set of invites so she could hand extras out to her friends. Even though I specifically called like 50 times before I made the first invites asking her how many she needed, she’s still demanding them now after all the invites have been mailed. When I argued that these 30 extra people were not budgeted for, she tells me she’ll pay for all of them. Since I’m her only child, and she never had a wedding, it’s hard to tell her no. It seems like no matter what, a bride just can’t win lol.
Post # 7
@Merrymarbles: I have one of those!! She isnt too bad but she trys to slowly push her ideas on me thinking I wont notice because fiance will shut her down right away lol I feel bad sometimes cause she doesnt have a daughter and I sometimes let a few things slide but on other things I wont budge and she will have to deal with that.
Post # 8
Mine is not bad at all, but there have been a few awkward moments. She offered to pay for my step-son’s tuxedo, but then she kept trying to buy just a black suit. I had to get really firm that I wanted him to wear a tuxedo and not a suit.
Then, I was showing her pictures of the bouquet I want and she kept saying, “well, you need greens and you need contrasting colors” etc, etc. I had to just say, “this is how I like it and this is what I want.”
But overall, she is just extremely helpful and sweet! I don’t think she is ever overbearing, those two instances were just awkward for me because I didn’t like telling her I wasn’t into her ideas. I just had to deflect that it was her idea I wasn’t into, and concentrate on the fact that I was MORE into my own idea. Get it?
Post # 9
I hear ya! My FMIL doesn’t have any daughters (just two boys), so initially she wanted to be my ‘mum’ in the wedding planning – go to bridal expos with me, visit the vendors together, dress shopping, the whole works! At first, we tried to accommodate her, but when her vision for the wedding was very different from mine and my fiance’s, we started to struggle (she wanted a Catholic ceremony, formal reception, white dress, $20-30K wedding, etc.). Fiance and I just wanted a casual, relaxed wedding, so in the end, we just said we were going to take a break from wedding planning, then a few months later, came back with “We’ve found our venue, celebrant, photographer, etc. We’re getting married in April!”
I think she was a little disappointed to not be included in all of that, plus it’s very different to any wedding she’s ever heard of, so she’s got no idea what’s going on, but at least I hadn’t done dress shopping yet, so she’s come with me for that a few times 🙂
Post # 10
I think brides just need to stand firm. If they hold money over your head (“I’m paying for xyz, so this is what needs to be done”) then kindly say “no thank you, but it’s appreciated. We’ve got this.” Otherwise, if you don’t stand firm, this wedding will have nothing you want and you’ll regret not saying something later.
Post # 11
We generally excluded our parents from wedding planning. Major sanity saver.
Post # 12
@LadyElva: “we just said we were going to take a break from wedding planning, then a few months later, came back with “We’ve found our venue, celebrant, photographer, etc. We’re getting married in April!”
That’s some good sh*t, there. I WILL be keeping it in mind. Thanks!