To Baby or Not to Baby? That is the question….

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

lizmeldaus:  Well if your husband isn’t on board with having children, I think you need to discuss this with him.  Finances can be a huge source of contention between couples, so the decision to have children, especially when one partner feels you cannot afford them, is not to be taken lightly.  Have you always wanted children?  Were children discussed before you got married?

Post # 3
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

We’re kinda in the same situation. I don’t know what to tell you. I have the same thoughts as you, but I also have days where I am so thankful that I do NOT have a child. I know FI would have no problem if we could afford a baby. I don’t know your personal finances, but I know we wouldn’t be able to have a baby right now without receiving some sort of welfare, so I plan on being very careful about birth control for the foreseeable future.

We live a modest life, but we certainly get to enjoy some extras here and there that we wouldn’t otherwise. There’s a lot to be said for the freedom of being childless. If we do have a child, it wouldn’t be for at least 5 years, and while I know more and more people are having babies later now, I’m still not crazy about the idea.

I also wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt our marriage. Also, newborn babies can bring out these baby fever feelings, so it’s possible that’s all that’s going on with you at the moment. Good luck sorting out your feelings on this!

Post # 5
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

You shouldn’t have a baby just because everyone else is, or you think you’ll be missing something(what exactly do you think that is, someone to look after you when you’re old, or actually being a mother?)in later life. Your husband has made his views clear, or is he still open to the idea(this is the big question, two of you will have to be on the same page). I personally would be happy with animals and as many vacations as I like for the rest of my life(I’m 28, we don’t want kids either, love to travel and have fun, lifes too short!), but I’ve always knows deep down I do not want children, it’s something you need to think about, don’t do it just because you think your time is running out, you can conceive safely right up until your late thirties.

Post # 6
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

This is something you should have been discussing before you got married. Would you walk away if he won’t budge on the children issue? 

Post # 7
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

lizmeldaus:  I personally don’t think that the decision to have or not have children is selfish, you have to do what’s right for you and your relationship.  While I don’t think it’s possible to ever fully afford children (i.e. have entire college funds already in savings, all money needed for activities, clothes, etc), I do think it’s possible to be financially stable before having children (i.e. money for child care, medical bills, etc).  I agree with other PPs though, seeing newborns and having friends/family that are starting families can make you a bit more baby crazy.  We’re expecting our firsts in a couple of months and I’m 34, so I feel that at 29 you still have plenty of time to decide. 

Post # 8
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I’ll get the obvious out of the way- there’s no way for us to tell you what’s in your heart.

 

With that out of the way, this is one that requires some soul searching and it’s not particularly easy. For me, it was an absolute gut feeling that I wanted an LO with my husband (after 15 years of swearing up, down, sideways, and diagonally that I NEVER wanted another child. EVER.). But for my husband, it’s been a journey to get to this point. We have a significant complicating factor that made his decision much more difficult. But I think the process still holds true. We talked… a lot. I mean, A LOT. And I will admit that more tears were shed (by emotional me) than I care to recount. We talked about life with a LO, how it would be different than the life we have now, what we want for our future, what we value as individuals and as a couple, how a LO would fit with our long-term financial goals, etc. We took turns mentally “trying out” different lifestyles. For a few weeks we would focus our attention on a future where it’s just the two of us every evening, where we have the discretionary income to travel more, where we streamline and downsize our life to enjoy that travel, etc. And then we would spend a few weeks thinking about out life with a new LO, coming home from work to the demands of a toddler or helping out with the homework of a school-aged child, talking about how we would want to handle childcare and what tradeoffs we were willing to make to afford our preference, talking about how we would handle discipline issues with a LO (we are already raising a teenager, so we’ve got the discipline of an older child figured out already), etc.

We went back and forth, and this issue REALLY tried our communication skills and patience with one another. I made sure to always make it very clear to mr. LK that this issue would not divide us. No matter what we ultimately chose, we would make our own happiness. We kept working through it, and after a year of really rough moments, we finally got to point where we are on the same page of wanting a LO and being willing to do what it takes to make that happen. So my best advice, for whatever it’s worth, is to think about all of the different paths you could choose as a couple, mentally try them on, talk about it a lot, and keep working together to get on the same page. Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

lizmeldaus:  I don’t understand how it’s selfish to not have kids. I mean, kids are really only brought into this world at the pleasure of their parents for no other reason than because parents want someone to love. That’s not “selfish” but it sure isn’t altruistic. 

Post # 10
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I completely agree with princesslettuce14.  Don’t let people make you think you’re “selfish” for not having kids.  Selfish to whom??  It would be selfish if you HAD them, but didn’t really want them.  I’m in the same position as you… I can honestly say that my husband and I have put more thought and consideration into NOT having kids than most people who DO have them.  I love the people that say “Who is going to take care of you when you’re older?”  Now that’s selfish!  Take your time and do what feels right.  If you’re really questioning it, wait until there’s not a doubt in your mind.  There’s nothing wrong with not having kids!  It’s a very personal and life changing choice. 

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