Post # 1
FI and I have been together 3 years and will be married next November. So, naturally I figure we should get this “baby” stuff straight. I’m older and will be 34 by the time we get married. I’m pretty sure I don’t want a kid. If it happened by accident with him, would I be miserable? Nah. I’d be terrified of parenthood but happy we’d be adding our greatness to the gene pool, etc. Anyhow, I keep trying to bring up this question with him, the “So do you think you want a kid?” one.
He’s never really sure either. He’s a few years younger at age 30. I don’t think either of us have that overwhelming need to procreate but I keep feeling guilty because I think my “not-so-child-wanting” attitude is influencing his thoughts (and I truly don’t want that – I want his own heartfelt choice). At this point, he won’t give me a yay or a nay about it and I think I just automatically assume he’s more on the “nay” side with me, since I figure if he really wanted a child, he would have a good idea by now. But I worry, what if he DOES want a kid…and what if I TOTALLY do not? People always say you’ll regret not having one, but I just don’t understand that. Sure, in my mind a child can end up a benefit, but it could also turn out as an awful drain on many aspects of your life (I think that’s true even if people won’t really admit it!)
I guess my question is to any other ladies that are in a similar boat, how have you handled it? What does your SO think/feel? What eneded up happening? I just never got that “OH NOES, MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING!” feeling. I think I assumed that women generally get that at some point and feel out of place for it not happening. If he wants a child…do I go along with it for him? I love him. I think we’d make a cool little person but…oh man, that’s a heavy thing to deal with!
Post # 2
Ninebones: If you don’t think you want one, you shouldn’t have one just to see if you like it. You can have a happy, fulfilled life without a kid! You should check out some childfree by choice sites and see if you and your partner like the idea:
My partner and I are childfree, so I’m definitely biased, though.
(ETA: your profile pic is so adorable!)
Post # 3
I debated about this, a lot, before we got engaged. My husband definitely wanted a kid and I was on the fence. I really could have seen myself happy either way, but I eventually settled on having a kid (1) and staying with my husband. I arrived at this decision after many months of internal debate and talking with people. Most people just seem to “know” one way or another, which isn’t really helpful to those of us on the fence. So I did a lot of thinking about what my life would be like with a kid or without a kid. I tried an exercise where I spent a week pretending that I was never going to have a kid, then a week pretending that I had a kid (imagining, I didn’t go kidnap some kid). That helped a lot. But, in the end, it’ just a personal decision. I would spend a lot of time talking this through with your husband and just see where you end up. And, if all else fails, paper/rocl/scissors it is!
Post # 4
If you don’t want one dont have one. Even with the most hands on dad, you’ll be doing the majority of the work most likely, so don’t have one just because he might want one.
Post # 5
Ninebones: Sorry, but children aren’t like puppies or kittens. If you decide it’s not for you, you can’t just return then (not that I advocate for returning pets).
Honestly, if you don’t have a true desire to have children, then don’t. It won’t end will just because you decided to “give it a whirl.”
Post # 6
What if you don’t make a cool little person? What if your child has some major challenges? If you don’t feel fully committed to the idea then don’t go there.
Post # 7
It’s very important that both of you are on the same page regarding this, even if neither of you knows right now what ultimately may be written on that page.
What I mean by this is that, currently, it sounds as if you most likely will not have children but that you both know that a possibility (however remote) exists that you could end up having a child. It sounds as if, right now, neither outcome would be a deal breaker for either of you.
However, given your very strong leaning toward not having a child, it’s absolutely vital that you both enter this marriage with your eyes wide open that one or both of you may decide never to have a child. If, deep down, one of you just could not live with that outcome, then you should not get married.
Post # 8
Please do not have a child unless you are 100% committed to it. My mother wasn’t sure she wanted a kid and I spent my entire life living in the shadow of her seething hatred of me. Childrearing isn’t something that you can (or should) just try out to see how it goes. What’s going to happen if your child has a serious medical condition, or is a disobedient brat, or isn’t very bright? You can’t assume your kid will be awesome just because it’s made of you.
Post # 9
I say don’t have a child if you are on the fence. If, down the road, you decide you want a child, adopt. There are plenty of children who need good homes.
Post # 10
The other replies to this post are good 😉
But I would like to add that before your wedding you have to talk to you fiance about this situation. It would certainly be a deal breaker for my husband (and myself). He should have a saying in whether he wants a kid or not. And if you don’t want kids, then he needs to be free to choose if he wants to find another partner.
Post # 11
Personally, if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t have a child. I would focus on why I didn’t want children and make plans to do things I always wanted to do. More than likely a child wouldn’t fit into that lifestyle and if you can live with that you have your answer.
My FI and I know 100% we want kids, and I know people who 100% don’t want kids. Neither is right or wrong. I just think if you don’t have the drive you shouldn’t force it on yourself. You can live a great life childfree as you know, so don’t make any quick decisions. Either way, you have a loving partner who you get to spend your life with! That is a wonderful thing in itselft.
Post # 12
Can you have a more in-depth discussion about it? And it’s true as PP said, even with dads who are very active and involved, you will end up doing most of the work when baby is young. I’d say if you’re not commited, don’t have one.
Post # 13
Ninebones: As the “oops” child of people who weren’t sure they wanted kids, don’t give it a go unless you’re 100% sure. My parents love me to pieces, and I know that, but I also know that they saccrificed an awful lot for my sake and it didn’t always make them happy.
“People” always say that you’ll regret not having one, but I’ve found that most of those “people” are friends & family that just want you to have a baby so they have a play thing, without the poopy diapers and sleepless nights that go with it.
Post # 14
I’ve never been the person to know 100% one way or the other & I’ve never felt the “biological clock ticking”. I always said I would be fine either way and I would kind of “leave it up to my partner” If I were to have a baby, I would want a partner who was 100% in because I didn’t want to be a married single parent. If that makes sense. My DH does want a child, 100%. So we will TTC for one and see how that goes. I think we will only have one, but that could change.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Two things come to mind.
1. You don’t have to desperately want to be a parent in order to be a good parent. I’m a good Mom, even though 18 year old pregnant me did not want kids. DS is now 16, well adjusted, kind, compassionate, funny, thoughtful, and all around pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself. I didn;t go into parenthood longing to be a parent, and that’s okay. I still love the heck out of my kid, even in the dark times where I regretted everything, including parenthood (it’s a looooong story).
2. If you can go either direction and be happy, then what would be the harm in choosing the direction that your partner wants to take? This question applies equally to both of you. If he can be just as happy without children, what is the harm in him choosing to be childfree with you? If you can be equally happy with children, then what is the harm of choosing that path, should it be the one that brings your partner greater happiness? It’s okay to base your ultimate decision on the desires of your partner. Many people will say that it is not. Many people will say that this is a black and white kind of thing. But I think it’s a whole lot of shades of grey.
Stpry time: Mr. Lk and I were on opposite sides of the fence, me desperately wanting another child, and him not so keen on the idea. My poor husband is terrified of breaking a kid. Even when I point out how awesome he is with DS, he still doubts himself something fierce. We kept the lines of communication open, had lots of conversations, and he eventually came to a place where he could see himself happy with a LO or happy without one. And he decided, much to my surprise, that creating and raising a LO would bring him as much joy as pursuing a “child-free in just a few more years” path. There are different kinds of happiness in the 2 very different paths, to be sure, but for him they were equal. So, given that he could go either way, and he knew that my greater joy was in having a LO, that is the path we are taking. And now that he has chosen his path, he is excited about TTC. He’s already started talking about how we’ll decorate the nursery and even researched different birthing options. He’s developed an opinion on our childcare options, excitedly chose names, and has started making observations about things in the house that will need baby-proofed. People can change their perspective on things over time to align with their partner, and that is okay.