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So are you not confirmed?
If your parents are so worried about the sins of not being married in a Catholic church, arent they equally concerned that you haven't completed one of the sacraments?
I apologize if I misunderstood anything, but why now the big push for a Catholic wedding? It doesn't seem as though the Catholic church has been a huge ongoing factor in your life. I understand the baptism angle, but honestly I had a courthouse non religious service and my daughter was still able to be baptised in a Catholic church... I'd probably compromise on this. It sounds like the real reason you now want this is family pressure.
@imalittlebirdie: Know right now, you can never make every single person happy with wedding choices. You really have to look inside your gut and come to a conclusion with what YOU can live with for the rest of your life. If you decide to get married by Dr. T, are YOU going to regret years later not marrying in a Catholic Church? Did you discuss with your FI on why he changed his mind? I mean, he agreed to involve himself in the Catholic Religion. Stop and think what you want and discuss it with FI and come to a decision together. You need to become a team.... make your joint choice and stick with it. Your families love you, they will attend.... but you two need to come to an agreement first before you can even tackle the family mess, they know you are both undecided and each side is pulling you in different directions.
They said that it is MY responsiblity to get confirmed.
I have no issue taking the classes to finish, but its getting everyone on the same page. FI has no issue with it, even though he does not want to be Catholic.
@ RR there are some long drawn out family reasons for beingn Catholic, starting with that my great- grandmother was adopted by Catholic Nuns, and straying from that apparently is a big issue all of a sudden.
I am seriously torn between doing the catholic thing, and being married methodist by Dr. T.
FI is really no help because his constant reply is "what ever you want, I will do"
@ RR as for him changing his mind, its partially his family and partially he has never gone to a mass so I took him and he did not like it.
Between the anti-religion thing, the talk about not having the bride and groom being lost in the middle of the mass, then the affinity for the Latin mass (is mass celebrated in Latin weekly in some churches?), and not being confirmed...I don't think you're fitting into what one of my theology teachers at my Catholic college said is the definition of a Catholic: Someone who says they are Catholic.
Why is your famiy, which doesn't seem to have practiced the faith since you were in your early teens, care about whether you get married in the church or not?
What religion is your FI and his family? If his family is strong in their faith, why was he so quick to drop his for the one that you kinda-sorta-might-practice back when he proposed? I'm surprised that he want from jumping into RCIA at the beginning of the post to reluctantly agreeing to getting married in the Church by the end.
Before anything, I'm going to apologize for the long post!
@imalittlebirdie: I can understand where you are coming from because my FI and I were in a very similar situation. When we first started planning our wedding we had decided to have an outdoor wedding (ceremony and reception). The outdoor ceremony idea went out the window when we found out that the Catholic church does not conduct ceremonies outside the walls of the church. Besides that I had promised my mom that I would have a religious ceremony and in her eyes it was a Catholic one. Like you, I am a Catholic by tradition and did all the sacraments but my parents stopped attending church as well. My FI doesn't consider himself a Catholic anymore and hasn't been been confirmed nor does he have proof of his baptisim or communion (long story). However, after much thinking I did want to have a Catholic wedding and my FI and I started contacting churches around our area. After speaking to many different Catholic churches we knew he would have to do all the sacraments all over again which would be difficult for him with his busy work schedule. I felt pretty sad because I knew it would have been hard for him to actually juggle work, everything else, and attend the RCIA classes even though he was willing to do it for me.
My FI had an alternative option which was to have the ceremony at a Methodist church. The Reverend which my FI had considered to marry us was his former boss who knows him very well. When I was presented with this idea I wasn't completely sold because it was a church that was not Catholic. My FI convinced me to meet the Reverend and at the end of the meeting I decided that the Methodist church was a great option. I realized that having the ceremony at a Methodist church would still allow me to have a religious ceremony, receive the blessing of a church, and (best part) avoid the hassle that the Catholic church may impose on non-Catholics. We had presented my mom our decision of choosing the Methodist church and why (discussed the pros and cons of Catholic/Methodist option). My mom accepted our decision and to show her that we made the right decision we took her to an actual wedding held at the Methodist church. She got to see the church which is beautiful and meet the Reverend who would marry us. Needless to say, she absolutely loved everything from the location to the actual ceremony.
The best thing I can tell you is that this is your wedding and you should think about what is the most important thing for you and your FI regardless of what both families think. Remember you are not going to always make everyone happy and what matters the most that you and your FI are happy with the choices you make. Also, be open to compromising with your FI regarding the option he presented. I am sure you will both figure out what you two want.
You don't have to marry in the Catholic church for your children to be baptised. And I'm of the feeling you need to do what you want, but I honestly don't believe you meet the requirements of having a Catholic wedding. I think what your FI suggested is a great idea. And like others have said, - you will never please everyone in wedding planning. You shoudl try to please yourselves first, and then everyone else
I am so sorry you are going through this! What a terrible position to be put in, a wedding is a happy occasion not one where you have to feel like you are torn in a million directions! I don't know what to tell you to do but I will share my story...
I was born protestant and my husband was born catholic. His family is very religious and the catholic traditions were always a part of his family traditions. After many years of soul searching, I ended up taking classes for a year and becoming catholic. We were married in the catholic church with a full mass and plan to raise our family catholic. We attend church every Sunday and it is a part of our relationship together.
That is what I did, but I did it because my heart was in it. It is a big commitment to take the classes, even for you who only needs confirmation. We had classes for 1.5 to 2 hours every Tuesday and then classes during and a after church every Sunday (about 1 hour) from September through Easter and beyond into May. It was a big commitment and I don't know if my heart wasn't in it I would have been able to dedicate a large chunk of my time and energy to do it. Religion is a deeply personal thing and something that shouldn't be taken lightly. You shouldn't have to convert only for the purpose of family pressure and for your wedding. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out alright!
msfuturea, autumn865,MrsSl82be, Thank you for your responces.
I am seriously toying with the idea of the Methodist wedding, but I might take FI to a few more masses and make sure he is positive of not wanting to be catholic. I have the same promise with my mom, which is why she freaked out when i brought up the methodist thing.
Just as a note I am not Anti-religion. I like God just fine, my issues are like i said, are personal,( such that i do not want to share them here) and a general disastisfaction with what i will call "mega churches". I do enjoy the way Dr. T teaches theology in class, its not the Iwillshovewhatithinkyoushoulvbelievedownyourthroat, that i have gotten elcewhere. I have yet to go to his church, but that is olny because it is 45 mins away from my house and i work sundays.
As for his parents, his dad does not care, but his mother is Pentacostal, which as a really half-assed way of explaining what that is, there the ones that speak in tounges and do the healing. She has told me she gets "Jesus Tingles". I love FMIL to death, but that is sooooo not for me.
FI is not terribly sure he was ever babtised as anything, and the last time he went to chruch was to my grandmothers funeral. He is also not terribly thrilled with the "Jesus Tingles". He is actually very religious in his own way, reads the bible, and has his own set of convictions that actually lines up fairly well with my own. Its just.... finding something. I would like to raise my children (when i have them, many years from now) in some sort of religious background. I grew up with Catholicisism, and i allways thought that that is what I would marry and raise my children in.
Sorry that was so long.... and in Itallics.... its stuck and will not turn in to normal font. :(
@imalittlebirdie: I had the Itallics problem once, annoying I know.
The big question here is What do you and your FI want? What do you feel comfortable with? It's hard but your families should support you in your decisions (I know easier said than done).
FI and I were raised catholics (we're both confirmed) but we drifted appart from religion and at some point we're a bit (don't be offended) against it. At the edn of the day it'd be easy for us to have a catholic wedding just to please evryone but being honest we both fell it'll be disrespectful to stand there and have that ceremony just because is a tradition when we don't mean to live a marriage lead by catholic rules (which is what you promise).
I'm not saying it's disrespectufll to have that ceremony if your not catholic, but in our case we fell it'll be so as mad as everyone will be, we're not willing to do it, because it's about OUR union not everyone else beliefs.
I have to share my story. We are both from strongly catholic families and were taken to church every sunday, baptised, received communion etc. Now I'm agnostic and he's an atheist. Because of family pressure and emotional blackmail (his dad said all their friends would spit in their faces if we didn't have a catholic wedding), we agreed to get married by a catholic priest. The ceremony will be held in a "chapel" (it looks exactly like one but does not have an altar). They are annoyed that we won't allow them to bring a crucifix.
It's left both of us feeling resentful towards his parents, and annoyed
that the most meaningful day in our
lives yet will occur in a way that does not hold meaning for either of us.
Moral of my story: do what gels with both your beliefs, not anyone else's.
@winerygirl: Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope your wedding turns out amazing. HUGS.
@imalittlebirdie: I think it is a good idea that you are taking your FI to mass to make sure he doesn't want a Catholic ceremony. You mentioned an important detail which is whether your FI is even baptized. Does your church require both of you to have all sacraments done before the wedding? There are some Catholic churches that will agree to conduct a wedding ceremony as long as one of you have all sacraments completed. If that isn't your case, is your FI willing to take the courses?
In my case, my FI was willing to take the courses if I really wanted a Catholic wedding. However, I decided that it wouldn't be right to make him take the courses because I knew he would have to lie to the priest (because he doesn't agree with the aspects/beliefs) in order for us to have a Catholic ceremony. I prefer for him to stay true himself rather to lie, be miserable, and possibly resent the Catholicism . Another factor was his busy work schedule. I even put myself in his position and in all honesty, I would've done it for my FI but I would have dreaded the entire process. This realization helped me reach a decision.
I think your answer is here: I would like to be married Catholic simply because of tradition,
so do you want to BE Catholic or do you just want what you see as a traditional ceremony? You can have a very traditional ceremony, but why have a Catholic wedding if you do not believe in it? ( I do not say that to be snotty, just for you to think about it)
i would like to get my children baptized so when they get older they have the option to be catholic or not.
You can be Catholic or you not and so can your children. When you baptize your children Catholic you are pledging to RAISE them Catholic. If you do not plan to raise them Catholic, why baptize them as Catholic? They are not barred from being Catholic later if they are not baptized as infants.
I think you need to do some reflecting and you will be able to tell where your heart lies. Do you feel Catholic? Would you like to? You do not have to think the Catholic church is perfect, but you need to feel part of it.
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Sorry for the Hamlet reference. It seemed apropriate
Ok here is the long and the short of my story,
When FI and I were talking about getting engaged he told me that he had no problem taking the classes with me and getting married Catholic.
I was born and raised in Catholicism, but somewhere around the time I was supposed to get Confirmed we stopped going to church and did the gambit of protestant churches, Baptist, Methodist, ect. I then went to a party school for College and then transferred to a Catholic University. I started going to Mass there and was not thrilled because the Masses that I went to when I was little were in Latin.
Then my grandmother died, whom was not catholic, but rather was a very active member of a non-denominational church. The funeral itself upset me greatly and I got on an anti-organized religion kick.
Now we are in the process of planning our wedding and I want the Latin Catholic mass.
He does not want to be Catholic anymore. He wants one of our Professors at the College, Dr. T, to marry us. He says that it is a good compromise because Methodists are just Catholic Light and I really like Dr.T and HE KNOWS US very well, and besides getting married is about the bride and groom and their commitment to each other and God, not Mass and oh by the way were going to get married in the middle somewhere. ( his words)
NOTE: Dr.T is a Religious Studies professor at the University, and is a practicing preacher in a Methodist church three towns over.
My side of the family all almost had a stroke when I brought up this idea. There was yelling and crying, Fear for our immortal soul, and our children will be bastards yada yada yada…. just not good times.
So I talked to FI and he agreed grudgingly to consider getting married catholic.
Cue yelling and terribleness from his family now. FI’s mom has told me that Catholics are evil people and pedophiles. And that all Catholics are going to hell. At one point she said she would never set foot in a catholic church.
I can’t win.
And I have no idea what to do. I would like to be married Catholic simply because of tradition, and i would like to get my children baptized so when they get older they have the option to be catholic or not. I also would not mind terribly for Dr. T to marry us, mostly because it amuses me.
A joint ceremony is out of the question. I got a resounding NO from EVERYONE on that one…
Help?