Post # 1
Sorry for the length, but here goes…
My fiance and I were engaged in May 2010 after two years of being together. We decided on a long engagement, because he felt very strongly about me finishing school. I was supposed to finish my undergrad in Spring 2012. So we set the wedding date for September 29, 2012. He was living 45 minutes away from me with his parents because that’s where his job was located and we saw each other a few times during the week and all weekend every weekend. He was trying to find a job in his degree field in Fort Wayne so he could be with me. Well, A LOT has happened in the past 8 months. In December, he finally got a job in Fort Wayne but the pay was actually less than the warehouse job he left. But he took the job to gain experience and be with me. So, we embarked on the adventure of living together. When January rolled around, it was my final semester of school and I began having trouble. I was enrolled in a Physical Therapist Assisting program at my university and in the final semester you have 6 weeks of 17 credit hour courses (18 weeks packed into 6) and then 12 weeks of full-time clinicals. Needless to say I was stressed out. He and I began fighting a lot and I was being particularly nasty when I would come home. So in February he told me he was considering moving out because he was unhappy. We told each other what was bothering one another and said we would work on it. So everything settled down for a few weeks and then at the end of February I failed at test by 2 points that I had to pass to graduate from the PTA program. I was devastated. I have battled depression and horrible mood swings in the past, and everyone was concerned about my mental health. So that happened and things just steadily got worse. He started to shut down on me, wouldn’t communicate and was very irritable. Then a few weeks ago here in June, he told me he was moving out. I was devastated, obviously. We talked it through because it turned out he had talked to everyone else about it but me. All of his family and friends knew and I was in the dark. He agreed to stay and work on it with me. Well, the wedding is now less than 90 days away and it’s a lot of pressure. I feel like I shouldn’t marry someone who is not happy in our relationship, but yet I know it can get better and we can get back to where we were. Part of me feels that if I just give him some time we could get married as scheduled. The other part feels like it’s unnecessary pressure added. All of the deposits have been made, I have invitations that are supposed to be sent out at the end of July. Girls with bridesmaids dresses and family that is invested. It’s such a big mess and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Any advice ladies?
Post # 3
I agree with you. While its painful and stressful you guys should postpone the wedding. It doesn’t seem like a strong foundation to get married on when you come close to breaking up. Take some time to work on yourselves, and perhaps work on adjusting and dealing with stress better as couple before tying the knot.
You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and if it’s meant to be everything will work out. When you get married it should be a happy day and time, and getting married feeling like you do would be horrible.
Post # 4
So sorry your going through this… I think I would at least consider postponing the wedding for now, you should not marry someone when you have these types of feelings, a wedding is not going to suddenly make it all ‘ok’.
I know people worry about the money for the wedding and I totally understand that BUT from one who has experienced Divorce it is devastating so making sure that you are marrying the right person should be paramount and not that it is ‘too late’ to do anything about it because the deposits have been paid. Speak to your vendors most of them will help you and probably allow you to postpone your date for now – your family and friends will understand more than you think because they LOVE you and would not want you to be in an unhappy marriage.
Life happens and a relationhsip that is good an healthy will help each other to get through the problems…
At the end of the day do what your gut tells you to do – if that is to marry him then do it and if as your post suggests that you need more ‘time’ then consider your alternatives for now and give yourself that time to sort things out.
I wish you the very best of luck and lots of hugs…
Post # 5
I agree, you shouldn’t marry someone if you aren’t happy. But then on the other hand, marriage isn’t always rainbows and unicorns and sh*t, so if he can’t handle you being unhappy during a particularly stressful time, that’s a good indicator that he might bail later when things hit a bump in the road, you know?
Post # 6
Like some of the pp’s said, marriage isn’t a band-aid and it doesn’t really change anything. It just sort of solidifies the foundation. So if he can’t stick it out with you now.. how can you trust him to stick it out then?
Only you know how you really feel at the end of the day, but putting myself in your shoes.. i know that if my Fiance told me he was moving out because he’s unhappy, i would take that as a break up. Living together it the ultimate test, and if neither of you are happy, then that’s something you have to address. Have you thought about counselling together? It sounds like you both need to really open up to eachother.
Post # 7
This is a hard one! I think I agree that the added stress of a wedding isn’t what you two need right now to work things out and get back to a better place. Almost breaking up twice in the year leading up to the wedding is not a good sign.
Neither is his tendancy to talk about his feelings in regards to your relationship to “everyone else” and not you… I would be concerned about that.
Good for you for taking some responsibility (the stress of school, your depressive tendancies) but marriage is definitely a team of two and takes both people working equally to make it work.
Maybe couples counselling? and postpone until the Spring?
get to the root of his reaction to bail when times get tough. not a good thing for you to truly sign on “for better or worse”…
Post # 8
I hate to say this, but maybe he’s just not the one. Marriage is for better or worse, in sickness and in health. When you are married things aren’t always rosy-what if he decides to bail then? If I were you, I think I would bail now. Better to leave now than to have him bail on you, get a divorce later.
Post # 9
have you talked to him about this decision? you should really be talking to him about it. It sounds like he’s made a lot of sacrifices for your relationship. Marriage is not a joke and nothing is ever going to go as perfectly as you will want. That’s just life in general. There is always going to be “SOMETHING” getting in the way of everything else. what you really need to be asking yourself is.. are you ready to commit to him regardless of whatever is stressing you out, not just today but in the future. And if the answer is no than he needs to know that.
Post # 10
Marriage doesn’t fix relationship problems. Postpone until you work out your issues.
Post # 11
I really believe in living together before getting engaged and definitely before getting married. My fiance and I started living together at the start of the year, and I couldn’t stand it at first. I was considering leaving after two months. There were some circumstances that made it a stressful time for me, especially, and living together is HARD even if you’ve spent a lot of time at eachothers places. However, with lots of honest communication, time, patience and effort on both our parts, things got better and we’re now blissfully happy… and engaged! I am so glad we didn’t wait till we were married to live together, otherwise I would have forever wondered whether during that difficult time, I was staying only because I’d promised to, not because I chose to.
My point is, postpone the wedding. Work things out. Get married when you are truly happy and know you both want to spend the rest of your lives together.