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I think if you've thought it through, really, and you really want her back in your life you should try. I'm just trying to think of how. She might be avoiding you because of her issues too (her own feelings/embarrassment/etc) - not just fear of confrontation.
Maybe you could send her a note card. I would definitely do it in a way that gives her time to figure out how to react. Maybe you can just put on the table all the things you want to say in the letter, and then let her take the next step. Either way, you'll be able to move on without having the "things I wish I had a chance to say."
I would say let it go. You haven't talked in forever. Let her know if she needs you that you are there but other than that drop it
I am sorry but even at 13 I knew that you NEVER mess with your GF's boyfriends either past or present. I would not want to be friends with anyone who squashed a friendship over a douche bag.
@Amanda_Rae: It sounds like you're well and truly over the situation with the ex, and are capable of extending an olive branch without starting a fight with Jane. I think it would be okay to send an email or call and tell her you miss her and would like to keep in touch again. It's probably best not even to mention the ex, and just note that 'whatever happened in the past is the past.'
That said, don't expect too much. It's likely you'll never get your close friendship back, even if you can mend the bridge. But if your only goal is just to let her know you forgive her and harbor no ill will, I think you should do it.
I'm not sure if there's a way to establish you as acquaintances without trying to rebuild a friendship. I think it would be fine to tell her that you forgive her and don't think she should be skipping events for fear of seeing you?
My only concern is that once you open the lines of communication, it's not like you really want to be friends again, so I'm not sure if the gesture is worth it? In other words, is it worth opening the lines of communication if you don't plan on using them?
I guess I don't get why you want to be friends with a person that cheated on you with your then boyfriend?
Regardless of whether you're over it or not. She poached in a territory that you NEVER poach in! Another one's man, especially a best friend! To me I could never trust a person like that so why have her in your life?
@toshella: yes, WELL over the situation is indeed the point here... both of them acted really shady towards me, but after the dust settled and all is clear I miss her more than I ever missed my ex!
@futureMrs.L: I totally agree... which is why I am torn because it is just such a huge NO in my book to even go there in the first place it really showed a lot about her character
@atalante: and
@KendallR10: I was thinking about a simple card, nothing too over the top or meeting in person. I have thought about it a lot over the past year or so, but havent made any moves
@bookworm88: Yes, she is skipping events if she knows I will be there. She showed up for a wedding and left when she realized I was there and just skipped another one altogether
@Gerbera: true... I kind of want to chalk it up to being young and dumb... but that doesn't excuse it at all!
@Gemstone: good point... I am not sure if I would use them or not, just try to make it less awkward I guess? I don't want for other friends to be slighted, or "our" drama to impose on other peoples events like weddings and parties
I commend you for wanting to let her know you are soo over it. :) So that she doesn't avoid mutual social functions. Maybe a FB message or email is best for that type of message?
Given that you're not looking to be friends with her, I would say write her an email or shoot her a text to let her know that you're over it and she doesn't have to fear going to other gatherings that you'll be at. You're mature and won't cause a scene over a guy you're way over...especially now that you have your FI.
I definitely wouldn't want her back in my life though...let her know that you forgive her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to befriend her again.
You should not make an effort to have a conversation with her. That would be awkward for her and she would likely be defensive or contnue to avoid you completely. However, if you run into her somewhere then you could tell her how things are really no big deal for you. If you don't think you would run into her, at the very most, send her a note card expressing your forgiveness that does not require a response from her. Then let it go.
@Amanda_Rae: I understand. A simple card might do the trick then. Short and sweet, e.g. no hard feelings, let's leave it in the past, please don't feel like you have to avoid social events because I am there, take care. :)
@Gemstone: I am thinking a very brief note.
@Gerbera: I have written sooo many FB messages and then deleted them! I am such a chicken haha...
@2ndtime: I know it will be awkward... which is why I want to just put it out there and then let her be a grown up for once. BUT, my FI and my mother and sister are both in your camp.. maybe just a " i forgive you, but we dont need to start up a new friendship or anything" type of scenario. My FI thinks it is completely assinine to even consider trying to repair anything lol... but, he understand we were best friends for the majority of my life
I'm confused as to why she so aggressively ended your friendship when she was the one who was doing something wrong. If she was cheating behind your back, don't you think the normal response would have been to just fade out contact and avoid you? Why bother with the "Don't ever talk to me again" message?
I say let it go and leave it alone. She didn't give you any respect or consideration when she ended your friendship like that (and I'm not even talking about the cheating part!). I wouldn't contact her. If she wants to apologize to you, she will. She was the one who told YOU not to speak to her "ever again".
She doesn't sound like a very nice person - especially one I would want to bring back into my life as I'm trying to plan my wedding. Who knows what kind of drama and hurt she'll bring with her. And it doesn't sound like she's even sorry for what she's done...
Only you know the right thing to do though, so good luck with whatever you choose!
I think that if it's something that's been on your mind, there's no reason why you shouldn't reach out. If this issue is preventing her from going to social functions for fear of running into you and it's on your mind every now and then, then it's best just to put how you feel out in the open and put the past to rest.
Honestly, she broke girl code. She's not the kind of friend I would want.
If it's really bothering you and you think that saying something will lighten your emotional load, you can send her a note saying that the past is the past and you hold no grudge against her. That makes you the bigger person in the situation and will maybe help ease some of the awkwardness since it sounds like you still share mutual friends.
I think you should just send her a quick email and let her know that although you dont wish to be friends again, that you do not hold any grudges about what has happened and that she does not need to avoid any event that you may be at.
SOOOO.. I did it, simple and sweet and to the point!
When I started writing I just could. not. stop.
So I erased, rewrote, erased, rewrote and came up with a thoughtful, but short and concise letter and it has been sent so I guess that was all I needed to do!
Thanks for all of the great advice and thoughts to ponder before writing it!
@Amanda_Rae: I think that if this is still on your mind as much as it seems to be than it might be a good idea to clear the air a bit and say what you need to say. however, given her actions I would not be as close to her as I once was. I just would not be able to trust her again after knowing that she was so sneaky before. I understand your desire to make contact but i would be cautious about how close I let her get to me again. thats just my .02
ETA:just saw your response. I do hope things go well for you :) good luck!
I think there is a reason why you never kept friends, it should stay that way
I wouldn't put effort forward to be friends. She's the person who broke the friendship off, not you so you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
i did this once with my ex-bff--i sent her a note being the bigger person and saying i hoped she was doing well. she wrote back and then we had a few exchanges...which ended up in me getting mad all over again bc she wouldn't admit that she'd really hurt me and had been in the wrong...so basically, just be careful that if she does respond now that you've written her, you're really careful about where you want the correspondence to be going. it turns out it was actually really cathartic for me to write out exactly why i was still angry with her, but i hadn't realized when i started writing her that i even was still angry. i ended up kind of reliving the hurt of our original friendship "break up" all over again, but i felt like i at least got more closure. so there are pros and cons, re-contacting can be kind of a pandora's box...
@Amanda_Rae: Good for you! I voted you should be the bigger person. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting the past go, and if you feel like telling her "no hard feelings", then go for it.
I'd also love to hear an update if you heard back from her or if she just ignored your note.
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OK Bees--- here is my situation and I want some solid advice!
I have an “ex” friend of mine that I want to reach out to. Her and I kind of grew up together… well, since 6th grade anyways. She is 2 years younger than me, but we were BEST of friends all through middle ( her elementary) school years up until 2 ½ years ago. We definitely had our rough patches ( like when I moved away for college and she got pregnant at 17), but we always managed to have a “sister” approach to each other and work things out. Let’s call her Jane.
Well, while I was in school I was seriously dating this guy… we will call him Harry. Well, Harry and I had some ups and downs and eventually broke up after almost 3 years together. In the break up... it comes out that Harry slept with MANY ( and I do mean many) women all while we were together. Well, as soon as Harry and I break up, I contact my best friend Jane and she doesn’t respond to me. At the time I was living out of state, in Wyoming to be exact, so cell reception was touch and go. I get a message from her about 2 weeks later saying “ I do not want to be friends any longer. Do not ever contact me again.”
So, many months later… I have now moved closer to home and Jane and I are in close proximity again. A mutual friend took me to lunch one day and basically spilled what I already assumed had happened…” Jane and Harry were seeing each other while you and Harry were still together, it lasted x amount of months on and off behind your back, it has been over for a long time, she feels horrible… yada yada”
So, this was almost 2 years ago… since then, Jane has purposefully missed friends’ weddings, Christmas Eve services at church, birthday parties, etc because she now knows that I know and she either feels embarrassed or thinks a scene may be caused. Now, I want to reach out to her and tell her that 1- it is so far gone that I really don’t care anymore 2- stop missing out on things because you think I may somehow want to “retaliate” and 3- I want to tell her because even though she did something really down low and dirty I kind of miss her
Now, my FI and my mother are in the count your blessings camp of “ she showed her true colors and was always a pain in the ass anyways”... good riddance to rubbish type of thing. I don’t want to be friends again, but I want to extend the olive branch and let her know that she can come around without me wanting to meet her in the parking lot and take care of unfinished business type of thing.
I am not about to fight over a stupid boy that I am wayyyyyy over… I live in a new city, am engaged to a wonderful man and couldn’t be happier. Is it wrong/weird for me to say anything to her or should I just let it be her problem and keep on with my own business?