Post # 1
I am recently married and please if you are going to reply stating “you knew this before” please do not that only makes me feel worse, thank you.
Here goes..a little background info about us. We met through mutual friends and at first I did not really think about my now husband as anything more than a friend. He was not my type in the sense that I was into meat head bad boys at the time…yes yes I know how stupid but there was something about him (probably the fact that he was different, in a good way) and we continued dating. Three years into it and everythis is great and it turned ugly fast when he told his parents he wanted to get married. His mother forbid it and began to say that I was not even in love with him, I was not allowed to go over, and they urged him to hold off until the parents retired so they would receive retirement pay, yes they were living off their kids because of poor money management.
I come from a clost knit family and my parents basically lived for their children. We are all close and loving. My husbands family raised him to do any they say and if he doesn’t oh boy, his mother will yell at him and ignore him. So we went forward and planned our wedding after much hesitation on my part. My mother and I had many talks and she basically would tell me that I was marrying him and yes the family is there but I could distance myself and still be respectful but to set the tone from the start. He is a great guy and is so genuine. So we continued our wedding planning but the closer the day came the more my hesitations grew. Two weeks before my wedding I asked him if we can postpone it and this crushed him. So, ignoring my gut feeling, we went forth and got married.
The first year has come and it has been hell! Our relationship is so strained from his family that if we do end up divorcing (which is my next option) it will be because of the strain from his family. All i ever think is if we have kids I do not want them around his family unless I too am present and I hate to say it but from past experiences with his family i do not trust them. I know i should have postponed the wedding but what is done is done and now I am considering a divorce. I haven’t been able to learn to be ok around them yet. When they come near my family they all become so sweet (great actors huh) and when we go to weddings I feel like I am at the reject table (if only you see how these people are). I am shocked at how different my husband is but in all honesty how different can you be?
So now i am at the point where I just can’t continue like this and I know I shouldnt let his family affect our lives because it is our lives but it does. Any words of advice? Please, I appreciate everyone that posts back to me I really welcome your advice.
Post # 3
Family is a very touchy subject to bring up and so I would do it in counselling, where you have a neutral third party who can coach both of you in expressing how you feel and find solutions together.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry that thing has not worked out for the two of you. Do you think things would change if you were to relocate, so that you were living further away from his family? A few hours on a plane would put a good distance between you and them, and then you might have time to develop your marriage into something more along the lines of what you had pictured.
Post # 5
@Tina22: Hugs, to you! So sorry you are going through this.
I think marital counseling would be a great step. How close do the ILs live? Does your H stand up to them? It seems he rolls over and does what mommy says otherwise things would not be this difficult! Now that you’re married, your H should consider YOU his #1 family and if he is putting his other family above you, then he need a priority adjustment.
I knew a couple that almost divorced due to family issues. The bride’s family did not like the groom. The groom even overheard his FIL say rude things about him at his own wedding to FIL’s friend and he’s never forgotten it.
It seems there will always be this conflict. Conflict doesn’t necessarily equal divorce. Marriage will always have some conflict. You guys need to learn a new way in DEALING with this conflict – hence why you need a therapist to help guide you.
Post # 6
So sorry to hear that!! I think it would be a shame for you to divorce because of someone else of course it must be difficult to have such issues with ILs but all I can say is fight for your marriage!! Most MILs are just difficult as they feel like someone is taking their son away from them and in this case the fact that they expect financial help from him makes it worse! Your DH needs to stand for you as you now are his priority!! Hope you get through this!!
Post # 7
I agree, is there any way relocation is possible? I assume your husband still wants to be close to the family or else you could avoid them a bit more?
To be honest I’m not sure what you meant about them wanting you to wait so they could get retirement pay… is that because they had to pay for your wedding?
I think your only way forward is to explain to your husband that his family is too much for you to handle and you want as little to do with them as possible. He can go and visit them if he wishes but you won’t be going with him. I urge you not to divorce, though there must be more reasons than you’ve listed here because it it’s a hurdle but not a mountain
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
The only thing I will say is that since you knew it going in, you do owe it to yourself and your husband to try everything to make your relationship work. At this point it seems the only option is counseling. If he refuses to go with you for couples counseling then I would still recommend individual counseling for your own sanity. Regardless of whether you decide to stay or go, counseling will be helpful.
Post # 9
Thank you everyone for replying, it really means alot to me. Moving away is not an option because of our jobs but everyday we argue and its getting worse. He works overtime more and more so we do not have to see each other and I am moving out for a while. He recently gave away our puppy we were waiting for and it broke my heart. He is a really selfish person and I wish this side came out before, I am amazed how simialr he is to his family. I feel so stupid that I did this to myself and my famiily. I am just so stupid and feel so worthless
Post # 10
@Tina22: I too have serious IL issues, the key is to not let them decide the fate of your marriage. You seem to be more upset with how his family is treating you then actually your DH. I’m not sure if he isnt sticking up for you or things you say around him about his family which is causing the strain but you both need to sit down and talk together. This is not a deal breaker. Does he see you side of the issue and how his parents are treating you? I have a FMIL and FSIL from hell, I will never get along with them and I no longer go to any family functions where they will be there, but my FI understands where I’m coming from. We sat down and had a long talk about how to progress from here.
It sounds bad but sometimes distance between people are key. We both are considering moving back to NJ after living in FL for a year to distance ourselves from them since 5 hours right now isn’t far enough. The key is you both have to be on the same page, but something eventually will have to give. Your DH needs to see how upset you are over this, understand your points, and no matter what your married you should be his top priority.
Post # 11
@Tina22: You say moving away is not an option because of jobs, but in reality is it worth losing your entire marriage because you need to get a new job?
I understand in this economy its hard and i’m not sure where exactly you live or what your profession is but sometimes although you don’t want to moving is a good option. It would be a fresh beginning for both of you. My FI has a great fiance job right now and I like my current position but, we are moving regardless of those factors. Who knows you may find a position you love so much more than the one you have now.
Post # 12
He gave your puppy away?! That’s just cruel.
Post # 13
@Tina22: I am in a similar situation, HUGS TO YOU! It is hard and every day feels like a rollercoaster. We moved away, the very opposite side of the US and it did not get better. It only got worse. You cannot run away from it. Thats what we did and believe me, it wont change, it WILL follow you. The issues started with only my MIL and have now made its way to the entire extended family. The issues with my marraige is my husband puts his family first and doesnt stand up for us, even lets bad things be said in front of me…. Private message me if you like, I feel like we could have a good conversation. I would suggest to start with couseling and see what happens from there.