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I share things, although sometimes I wish I hadn't. I kind of agree that sometimes when you share things it paints a bad picture, so I really try to share both the positive and negative with the people I tell things too.
I totally talk to my closest girls about any stuff going on with my FI, but I also tell them the wonderful and sweet things he does too so there's not a one-sided aspect to it. Sometimes I just need to talk it out with the girls or be like DOES YOUR GUY DO THIS?!?! ARGH and then I feel better.
I think it's totally normal to vent to your gfs about what is frustrating to you about your SO, but I also think you need to use discretion in what you do share. Some things just don't need to be discussed outside your relationship, and I commend you on feeling that way and acting on it. I tend to share too much, I think, and I know it bothers my boyfriend. It might be okay to loosen up a little bit about frustrations, but I think ultimately you're making a good choice.
I think it's best to keep personal things personal. Your fights are between you two and get resolved that way. You are always going to be quick to forgive each other, but your family and friends won't be so forgiving of him if you tell them all the little details. If you ever do really need to vent, do it, but don't do so just because you feel you "should." I think you're doing everything right and wouldn't worry about it!
I also share things, but I completely understand why you may not want to. I do tend to vent about things that frusterate me, but I don't always share all of the sweet things he does. In the past this has led to some people having a negative view of him and wondering why I am with him - I then have to explain that I was just venting and that he is actually a really sweet guy. I agree with IA Snowflake that sharing either nothing or both positive and negative things would be best.
There are certain things you can talk about with your friends and certain things you can't. The rule of thumb is, at least for me, "Would I want him telling his friends/family this?" And if the answer is no, then I bite my tongue.
MrACS and I are a pretty good team. But my best friends know we have those "every relationship" moments where we drive each other crazy.
As far as your friend... if she's not comfortable disclosing things from her marraige because you don't do the same, then c'est la vie. Don't let her guilt or goad you into disclosing more than you are comfortable with or trumping up stories in order to hear her "dirty laundry." No one needs to be gossip fodder either.
If it comes up again, the quick and polite answer is "Oh you know how it is, every couple drives each other nuts from time to time, it's part of marriage and it's healthy too."
And leave it at that.
i think it's important to share things, at least for me, because i have to get all of my stuff out. it's always good to have a support system, a group of people who are there for you no matter what. plus, they should know if real life that people have fights and just because you and you're fi occasionally have a blow out doesn't make him a bad person. it makes you normal.
My husband and I don't tell anyone else about our fights (unless it's really dumb/goofy). I feel like it's such a private part of our relationship. I would like I was betraying him if I told friends/family about fights. Plus, I know I would feel betrayed if he told people about issues that come up between us or things I do/say during a fight. I guess I just feel like a higher level of loyalty to my husband than I do to my friends. And I know that I'll always be able to forgive him, but they won't. :)
I guess I wonder if maybe your friend is really upset because she feels like she's being vulnerable and you're not reciprocating? If you don't feel comfortable sharing with her on this topic, I don't think you should have to, just to make her feel more comfortable. Surely she has other friends she can vent to or commiserate with when she fights with her husband. And I'm sure you two can find other topics to confide in to each other without making you discuss things you're not comfortable with. Have you tried explaining your viewpoints to your friend? She might be more understanding once she knows where you're coming from.
We had this discussion too and decided if it's something so important that you need to vent that we really should be discussing it with each other and not our friends first. So we don't air any dirty laundry, though there are some things we tease each other about and our own little oddities, and our friends know about them. But we do try and limit the ranting to other people about each other down, otherwise we'll just get angry at each other and the other person will be in the dark as to why.
In the past, I have vented about my relationships with close friends or family, but with FI, I don't really feel the need to do so. For me, I've taken it as a sign that I'm finally with the right person - or maybe I've done some growing up myself too. I wouldn't worry about it - some people just simply don't feel comfortable sharing intimate details about their relationships with others. Doesn't make you any less "one of the girls."
@ Mrs. Spring - I completely agree with you. Plus, the FI is an even more private person than I am and I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about me discussing our fights either.
Like other girls (and the article) said, we tend to just vent out the bad but not talk about the good and it paints an uneven picture after time. I think I'll just talk to my friend and let her know where i'm coming from, there were a lot of drinks involved in our last discussion so i didn't really want to say something i'd regret later.
I am careful of this with my mother. I learned with my very first boyfriend: I can forgive but mom will NEVER forget. :) Now I do not share any of the spats we have because I know that she'd only see the negative and not the positive. I don't worry about it so much with friends because my friends all love my FI and the more common experience is my bitching about xyz and them telling me why i'm crazy and need to just get over it and/or forgive him and/or apologize if i'm being nuts hehe.
Honestly, I'm usually too busy listening to my friends and giving them advice to ever get a word in about me and FI. They all seem to have so much drama with their guys so I listen to them and help them through their issues. I swear, they should pay me for all of the hours I've spent hearing about their guy problems. I was actually just saying this to my FMIL last night that I have problems too, but no one to help me solve them.
Luckily, FI and I are fairly drama-free. We have little spats here and there, but nothing worth really talking about with friends. The big fights we do have are usually about sex (or lack of sex) and I'm not super comfortable talking to people about that. Only my very very close girlfriends know about those fights.
I think it's important to let your friends know that your life/relationship isn't perfect, but the nitty-gritty details of what goes on in your home is really no one's business. That just leaves the door open for people to talk crap about you.
Moonbaby - I'm like you. I generally naturally keep those things private. And more than that I am just the type to get over fights really quickly (unfortunately he is not!) so I don't feel the need to talk about it with girlfriends. In rare instances I have, but it's not usually about fights, more about dumb stuff that I did that I"m guilty about or about larger relationship issues that aren't exactly fights.
This probably does make me a little more boring to talk to, but I'm not going to air my dirty laundry when it's against my nature just to foster a better relationship with my friends. If it's not in your nature don't feel like you're weird for being that way either.
And I will say, I totally agree that some friends give you a really negative view of their relationships by only venting about the bad stuff. It can be so hard to keep your mouth shut when you just want to tell them to cut their losses and move on!
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I read an article once that talked about never discussing the fights or arguments you and your SO have with your girlfriends. The article said that women are more likely vent more about then problems than talk about something sweet their SO has done. So over time, the gf's get this really bad picture of the guy in their head.
I follow this mostly because I'm a private person and don't like airing my dirty laundry out in public (or however the saying goes). While out with a friend this weekend she brought this up and said I try to make it as though things between the FI and I are always perfect. And that she feels weird confiding in me about any issues she has with her hubby b/c of it. THEY ARE NOT PERFECT! I mean, we have stupid petty fights over things and sometimes fights about more serious stuff like money (He's a saver, I'm a spender). They don't happen all the time, but they do happen. My question is, should i start sharing more with my friends? does anyone else here keep fights private? is it healthy?
I mean, we (the FI and I) do talk and work things out. I dunno, I guess i find it pointless to talk about a fight that's already been resolved and ultimately the only people in the relationship are us two... hmm... what do y'all think?