- 5 years ago
*my apologies for the length
J and I have been together for a little less than year. I’m a full time student with a full time job, and J has a full time career. He’s financially stable, and I’m “so-so” still depending on my parents for financial aid with school. Long story short, he had asked me about my thoughts on marrying him. I told him, if he was serious, I would love to marry him, no doubt about it! So, he and I talked about it seriously for the next week or so. We basically talked about our seriousness. That involved me asking him numerous times a day if he was serious about it. His word-for-word answer was that he was never so sure about anything in his life.
He told me to start planning a wedding for March, and I eventually told him about my wants for an engagement ring. J laughed and said he’s in the process of looking for one. He made it very clear that when and how he was to propose was important to him. He said not worry; he’ll propose soon. I know what every girl is thinking – “what kind of proposal is that? It’s not romantic and there’s no surprise?”, but I didn’t care. All I cared and still care about was that he wanted to marry me. I love him. As naïve as it sounds, there are no words to describe how I feel about him.
Well, almost two months went by with no proposal. So I mentioned it to him one day. I asked him why he hasn’t he proposed yet, and J said you can’t put a time limit on it. I probably said the following more out of impatience and anger rather than logic, but I told him “If you want to get married by March, you need to propose to me VERY soon, so I can get everything (wedding vendors) in order”. [My real reasoning was, of course, to tell my family. My parents, although they love me very much, won’t understand my wanting to get married before I graduate school. They are very old-fashioned, religious, conservative, and won’t take my engagement seriously unless I have a ring on my finger—especially if the wedding is only months away.]
Anyway, J and I argued back and forth, and I regrettably said “do you even want to marry me?” I was definitely not expecting his answer: “I do know I want to marry you… eventually. I just don’t know if I want to marry you in March. I thought I was sure, but I started looking at rings and freaked out. I’m scared. Believe me when I say I love you because I do. I’ve never felt this way for any other woman. But what if we don’t work out? What if we’re making a mistake? It just seems that we’re rushing into it.”
I was blindsided and didn’t know what to say. I guess I was angrier than anything, probably angry that his sureness about marrying me was just a slap to my face. Through sobs I managed to say “I understand. I wish it different, and I can’t force you to want to marry me. But the thing is, for the past two months you brought my hopes up. You offered me more, I accepted it, and you took it right back. I can’t sit here waiting like a fool for something that may never come my way.” I guess I just wasn’t willing to take a step back in our relationship. I wanted to move forward and have a future together.
Obviously, I ended it. However, our break-up is somewhat pathetic. We talk on a regular basis. I know it’s weak to say, but my heart and the pit of my stomach physically hurts all the time. When we talk, it goes away. Sometimes it slips out that he loves me so much; he’s just confused about marriage, but wants to be with me. I love him. I really love him.
I guess my question(s) is/are was I wrong to have ended it? Was I wrong to be so prideful and not want to take a step back in our relationship? Should I put my wants of being married to him aside so that I can have him period? I know it’s ultimately my decision, but I would appreciate your thoughts. What would you do?