To go or Not to Go?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I went through a very similar situation with my cousin. We were only 5 months apart and grew up like sisters our whole lives – we did everything together. When i got engaged she was basically like my second moh (because my sister was my moh). I also bought her the dress to help make things easier financially. 

Soon after she flipped a switch (she also had gone through a lot in her life and a lot of trauma when she was younger and she often pushes people away and would destroy relationships or prevent others from getting close to her). Until this moment in our lives however, she had never done this to me. But she decided to break up with her long term boyfriend and lash out at me about getting married for the wrong reasons and all sorts of crazy horrible things. When i confronted her and asked if she was doing this because she was acting out of fear of commitment in regards to the trauma of her past – she just went crazy. For 9 months she called me and said things like how i was not her friend anymore and how i was an untrustowrthy horrible person. Eventually she said she wouldnt be attending my wedding because she accused me of turning everyone against her. 

I often wonder what I will do when her time comes around too. (She got back with her ex after cheating on him and they are now planning their wedding.)

Before she declined being in the wedding herself, i had posted on here what people thought i should do. All my friends, family, and most people on here said don’t have her in the wedding party or dont invite her at all – similar to what it sounds like everyone is telling you. (But it’s to not attend her shower/wedding).

The main reason i stuck with it was because I wanted to be that bigger person and wanted to try and honor the 25 years of being through thick & thin and being best friends. While, she ultimately through out history in the trash, I think I would still attend such events in the future. (If i am invited, which sometimes i hope i’m not lol). I might avoid smaller more intimate functions like the shower – I certainly dont think she needs an extra gift from me. But for the sake of being the bigger person, I would probably go to the wedding, make an appearance and leave early. 

With that said, just do what your heart says to do. Talk it over with your husband and hopefully you’ll find a solution that works for you. 

I’m so so sorry you had to go through this, and I’m sorry for your loss of what used to be a good friend. 

Post # 4
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@CallaBree:   At least attend the wedding. You say you aren’t holding a grudge but skipping her wedding sounds like grudge-holding behaviour to me.

The wedding is a big event and you won’t need to interact with her much or at all. Just go, be happy for her, and spend the day socialising with family. The bridal shower, I gather, is a smaller more intimate event, so I think it’s ok to skip that if you think you’d be uncomfortable.

Post # 5
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

She made no effort for you, I wouldn’t make any effort for her.

Post # 6
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Two questions:

1.have you been invited to the shower?

2. have you been invited to the wedding?

Honestly, I would think about the message you would be sending her in both situations- if you attend, and if you don’t attend.

Post # 11
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Putting her behaviour aside she did attend both your wedding and shower so IMHO if you don’t attend her’s (if you are invited) then you are the one being petty and yes holding a grudge.

Post # 12
3217 posts
Sugar bee

I always like to be the bigger person.  So I would go.

Post # 13
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.

Post # 14
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Do you want to repair your relationship? 

Post # 15
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would skip the shower (but send a small gift so it doesn’t feel like a snub) and then attend the wedding.  I think that’s a fair compromise.  Don’t give more than you feel comfortable giving.  

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